Devastating news at 12 week scan

[Riviera16]

Hi all,

I can’t sleep as I have woken up in tears so need a bit of hand holding.
Yesterday my partner and I went for our 12 week scan, we originally went 2 weeks ago but were told baby was measuring a bit small so that we would have to return.
Unfortunately we have now found out that our baby has several deformities and that we can’t continue with the pregnancy.I am devastated. I now have to choose between delivering the baby or having a surgical abortion.
We live aboard and might have to wait up to 7/10 days to even get an appointment.
My head is a mess and I just feel so sad. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and can advise between the two options?

Thank you everyone for your advice and love. It has helped me. I’m hoping that I will get an appointment sooner so that we can begin the process in moving forward x

So very sorry you are going through this 💐

I'm so sorry op. Very traumatic for you. I've had three miscarriage two of which were missed.

This is not the same as your situation so please don't think I am implying that.

I had medical management and like pp had complications and the experience is not nice long recovery traumatic bleed due to RPOC.

Second time I had surgery and it was easier, physically and emotionally.

I am so sorry OP. My baby was diagnosed with Edwards syndrome and a heart condition at the 12 week scan. Like you we didn’t really have an option to continue with the pregnancy, the baby was extremely poorly. We had the same choice as you and we chose to have medical management purely because there was a longer wait for surgical management. We would have had to wait two weeks which felt impossible.

The medical management was a very intense process which I’m happy to describe in more detail if you would find that helpful. A big decision factor for many people is that you may have the chance to see and hold the baby if you choose medical management. That won’t be possible with surgical management.

The charity ARC is extremely highly recommended to chat through your options. I didn’t speak with them as I already had a therapist to speak with but I lost count of the number of people who told me how helpful they were.

In the meantime please know that whatever you feel on any day after this news is just how you need to feel. Please lean on your loved ones as much as you need to and take really good care of yourself. Sending lots and lots of love from someone who understands a little of what you are going through 💜

This happened to me but at 16 weeks. I wasn't offered a choice and just had an abortion under general anaesthetic. It was a terrible time and my heart goes out to you. I still think about my baby, I named him before the termination and have always carried him with me in my heart. Good luck with whatever you decide OP xx

So sad for you, OP, 💐.

Sadly I have had a similar experience at a 12 week scan. After a week of tests we discovered that our baby couldn’t survive. The situation was taken out of our hands as when we went for our results I was scanned again and his heart had stopped. Thankfully I didn’t have to wait long for surgery and it all went as smoothly as it could. I hope that you have support around you and someone you can talk to.

OP I’m so sorry for you. I know some of the pain though through different things (stillbirth and a seriously disabled DD (though I did not find out how bad she was until she was born)).
I hope you have all the love and care you need

OP, I'm sorry. I would want it over as soon as possible.

I just thought that I’d update you all and let you know that I have an appointment to meet with the consultants tomorrow then hopefully a date will be set for when I can do the procedure. I’m leaning towards the surgical termination as I think this will suit me better even though I’m terrified of being under general anaesthetic. Thank you again for all the support x

I'm so sorry, this must be unbelievably painful for you. Sending you a big hug and a handhold. Lots of us will be thinking of you as you go through this

Good luck OP.

I think the termination will probably be easier on you emotionally. Out like a light and all over when you wake up. My experience was of extremely kind doctors and nurses too which definitely helped. Bless you OP, I hope it all goes as well as it can xx

I have experienced both options and personally found the termination easier both physically and emotionally. Delivering the baby lingered on and was painful, but it resembled an extremely heavy period rather than actually giving birth to a baby (same sort of stage of pregnancy).

I am so sorry to read your post. I found out at an anatomy scan ( first pregnancy )that my baby was incompatible with life and had an abortion at 18 weeks. I never regretted my choice, I felt it was the right thing to do for my DD and myself mentally.

Only you know what is the right decision for you. On a positive note, I went on to have 4 healthy babies afterwards, having an abortion did not affect my future fertility, and everything went very smoothly during the procedure.

Hugs to you.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. ARC is great and I cannot recommend them highly enough although the best information will now come from your clinician as to what they will offer from here on in.

I think it boils down to how aware you want to be of what is happening. Surgery and general anaesthetic is quicker, less physically painful. It will be over in what seems like the blink of an eye. The baby will be gone in the physical sense.

On the other hand, going through a delivery lets your body and mind go through the process of the pregnancy ending and you can see your baby if you want. It can be traumatic though and there is something unbearably awful about the pain of delivering a baby that will not live.

I’ve delivered at 16 weeks and at another point had general anaesthetic following a miscarriage because the baby just stayed put, but that was an earlier loss and I’d never seen that baby on a scan.

We had the daughter we lost at 16 weeks cremated and she’s still with us in a physical sense because of that.

Go through everything with your clinician and think about what will sit best with you in the longer term, and you’ll make the right choice for you. Give yourself lots of time to recover afterwards. Whatever you do, you will always remember this baby and they will always be in your heart. Sending hugs.

I've had both, delivery was at 20 weeks though so I didn't have a choice that time . Personally I'd go for surgical.

I'm so sorry , its an awful thing to be going through x

Hi all,
Could we please ask that everyone on the thread focus their attention on what the OP is going through?
We are thinking of you and your partner, Riviera16, and hope your appointment goes as gently as possible. Sending love to you both. x

Thank you all again for your support. It has really helped me through this scary time. I have decided to go down the surgery route as I think this is better choice for me physically and mentally right now. I am booked in for Wednesday x