Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Kids dad has tumor

43 replies

Cookiecrumble22 · 25/07/2022 15:48

My children's dad has a tumor. Hes going to hospital at begining of August. To get it removed. He's expected to be in hospital for around 2 and then around 3 months to recover.

The problem is i have no idea how I'm going to manage to visit him. He's got his heart set that I will be able to. Which I do want to and it would be awful to say I can't. I just don't know how i will get there. It's in a really difficult location. I don't drive and it's a long way from where I live and I have no one to ask.

On top of that I don't have any childcare. And no one to ask. I can't ask my older /adult children as there's mental health issues which make things very difficult and could cause a risk.

He has never understood the mental health side of things with my older children. So either way I'm going to be left feeling extremely guilty. I need to keep my children safe. But also he could die. So how can I possibly tell him I can't make it.

I will add the name or the tumor on my next post as I cant seem to post it here. So please look at My 2nd post.

OP posts:
OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 25/07/2022 15:59

Does he want you to visit or does he need you to bring your shared children to visit?

Midlifemusings · 25/07/2022 16:01

He might die and wants to see his kids?

You find a way.

iwantavuvezela · 25/07/2022 16:03

You may well find that friends of your ex Dh and yours ask you how they an help you during the time while he is in hospital - this would be something (if your children are not to young and your are okay with it) - that you ask people to help facilitate with lifts and taking your children to the hospital. If your Dh has friends reach out to them and say that you will need help - people will often say "let me know if you need anything" - this would be it!

familyissues12345 · 25/07/2022 16:03

He's going to be in hospital for two months?

PurpleDaisies · 25/07/2022 16:11

Is there anyone else in his family who could collect the children, take them for a visit and return them after?

It’s very, very unusual to expect be in hospital for that long after acoustic neuroma surgery. Has he definitely got that right?

abdidab · 25/07/2022 16:11

acoustic neuroma's are very unlikely to cause death. Some are monitored and others require surgery which is usually curative and wouldn't need that long in hospital.

Does he have form for exaggerating?

Thelnebriati · 25/07/2022 16:20

OP how about you contact all of the relevant charities and see what help is available?

Original poster
Cookiecrumble22 · 25/07/2022 16:22

Midlifemusings · 25/07/2022 16:01

He might die and wants to see his kids?

You find a way.

The kids won't be going they are to young to see dad like that in hospital banged uo etc. It would scare / upset them to much. One has autism as well. So it would not work

OP posts:
Original poster
Cookiecrumble22 · 25/07/2022 16:25

Ponderingwindow · 25/07/2022 15:59

Does he want you to visit or does he need you to bring your shared children to visit?

No it's not so the kids can see him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cookiecrumble22 · 25/07/2022 16:28

familyissues12345 · 25/07/2022 16:03

He's going to be in hospital for two months?

No 2 weeks in hospital the around 3 months recovery at home.

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 25/07/2022 16:30

Is he your partner? Sorry, your OP isn't clear as to whether you are still with him or not.

Original poster
Cookiecrumble22 · 25/07/2022 16:30

Sorry maybe I was not clear. He's in hospital for 2 weeks recovering at home for around 3 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cookiecrumble22 · 25/07/2022 16:32

Dozycuntlaters · 25/07/2022 16:30

Is he your partner? Sorry, your OP isn't clear as to whether you are still with him or not.

Erm its complicated. We still have feelings for each other we are still close ect. It's very complicated though. Dint really want to go into that as its really about the hospital thing/visiting etc

OP posts:
Somuchgoo · 25/07/2022 16:34

My toddler had/has a brain tumour. Her older (4yo) sibling was able to visit her, and she was ok with it. Well, specifically she was fine when she had a bandage on, but she did get upset on one visit where there was a visually disturbing complication. So I'd suggest he either has his head bandaged, or wears a soft cap, but equallly, you cant hide him from them.

Thankfully my daughters scar is covered by her long hair, but most men with short hair, are going to have more of a visible scar for longer/permanently.

He's going to be recovering for a while, may have some concequences of the surgery. It would be better to discuss it so its less of a shock to them.

Original poster
Cookiecrumble22 · 25/07/2022 16:36

abdidab · 25/07/2022 16:11

acoustic neuroma's are very unlikely to cause death. Some are monitored and others require surgery which is usually curative and wouldn't need that long in hospital.

Does he have form for exaggerating?

Hes definitely having surgery. He's been unlucky that his has been fast growing. I think he's scared that one side of his face could become paralysed. And i think the risk of death if something gos wrong.

And it's 2 weeks in hospital then 3 months recovering at home.

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 25/07/2022 16:38

Well, it does make a difference as to you visiting him as to whether he is your partner or not. Is it just visiting him in hospital you are worried about, is it easy enough to visit him once he is recovering at home.

If it's just the hospital then he's only there for two weeks so if it is a real issue for you regarding childcare and distance to see him then he will just have to accept it isn't possible.

bloodywhitecat · 25/07/2022 16:40

Can you use Zoom calls to stay in touch? It's what we had to do when DH was in and visiting wasn't allowed or was limited

Original poster
Cookiecrumble22 · 25/07/2022 16:46

bloodywhitecat · 25/07/2022 16:40

Can you use Zoom calls to stay in touch? It's what we had to do when DH was in and visiting wasn't allowed or was limited

That was going through my head. But does not seem the same. But maybe that is the answer.

OP posts:
MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 25/07/2022 16:48

You must be able to arrange for friends or someone to have the kids while you visit. Can you ask the parents of their friends? You could return the favour another time.

bloodywhitecat · 25/07/2022 17:02

It's not the same but it is better than no visits at all

Original poster
Cookiecrumble22 · 25/07/2022 17:07

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 25/07/2022 16:48

You must be able to arrange for friends or someone to have the kids while you visit. Can you ask the parents of their friends? You could return the favour another time.

I don't know anyone at all. I don't really have friends. And don't really speak to mums at the school. Well not enough to ask for child care.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cookiecrumble22 · 25/07/2022 17:08

bloodywhitecat · 25/07/2022 17:02

It's not the same but it is better than no visits at all

It is. And it will probably be easier when he's home. To visit.

OP posts:
LaSavoie · 25/07/2022 17:13

I really think you should do whatever you can to visit. It will be scary as hell for him and he will remember forever if you don’t.

alnawire · 25/07/2022 17:16

I don't really know what you are looking for here?

If it's to have your decision not to visit him validated it's unlikely you will get many takers.