Page 2 | Kids dad has tumor

Cookiecrumble22 · 2022-07-25T14:48:36+00:00

My children's dad has a tumor. Hes going to hospital at begining of August. To get it removed. He's expected to be in hospital for around 2 and then around 3 months to recover. The problem is i have no idea how I'm going to manage to visit him. He's got his heart set that I will be able to. Which I do want to and it would be awful to say I can't. I just don't know how i will get there. It's in a really difficult location. I don't drive and it's a long way from where I live and I have no one to ask. On top of that I don't have any childcare. And no one to ask. I can't ask my older /adult children as there's mental health issues which make things very difficult and could cause a risk. He has never understood the mental health side of things with my older children. So either way I'm going to be left feeling extremely guilty. I need to keep my children safe. But also he could die. So how can I possibly tell him I can't make it. I will add the name or the tumor on my next post as I cant seem to post it here. So please look at My 2nd post.

DPotter · 25/07/2022 17:20

I'm not clear on whether you live together or just nearby.
But unless you're planning on not allowing the children to see their father for several months, there will be signs of surgery on his head for some time after he returns home, so they will need preparing for this. Also for the resultant deafness on the side of the operation.

Is there a hospital support group who could help with transportation - both for him getting there and back and for you visiting. The hospital may insist someone comes to take him home - has your kid's father got other support for this? and if he has support, could they help with looking after the kids for you to visit

gogohmm · 25/07/2022 17:38

Children cope a lot better than you think, he can speak to his specialist to see if it's possible to get resources you can use with the children. Due to the seriousness I would strongly suggest finding a way to bring your shared children, nurses are used to the scenario of scared children and it may be helpful to all

Original poster

Cookiecrumble22 · 25/07/2022 17:41

DPotter · 25/07/2022 17:20

I'm not clear on whether you live together or just nearby.
But unless you're planning on not allowing the children to see their father for several months, there will be signs of surgery on his head for some time after he returns home, so they will need preparing for this. Also for the resultant deafness on the side of the operation.

Is there a hospital support group who could help with transportation - both for him getting there and back and for you visiting. The hospital may insist someone comes to take him home - has your kid's father got other support for this? and if he has support, could they help with looking after the kids for you to visit

We don't live together or near by. We are 90 min car drive.

The kids will definitely see him. No way would we not let then see him for a few months. We would do a few pictures of daddy so they know what he looks like. Then a few video calls. Then visits in person. Also home will be a different environment so won't be so upsetting.

With the hearing side of it. He already had hearing problems. He's worn hearing aids before this problem started. But now he's practically completely deaf in his right ear so he's having something done on his hearing aid so the sounds from his left ear bounces to his right ear. So he should actually hear better.

OP posts:

urrrgh46 · 25/07/2022 19:21

Hi OP my Mum had an acoustic neuroma removed 10 yrs ago. A 12hr operation. I really don't think he'll be in any state to visit for a few days at very least after the operation. He's also unlikely to die! My DM has been left with a little facial paralysis and due to that an eye that doesn't close properly and is permanently "dry" but the surgeon was quite disappointed with this & it definitely not a given that it'll happen. I don't think it appropriate for young children to visit until he's out of hospital tbh.

urrrgh46 · 25/07/2022 19:21

Zoom calls would definitely be more appropriate.

Dewsberry · 25/07/2022 19:39

It's a very unusual set up OP and you're not giving the info for anyone to help with ideas etc. You say you can't drive so it's impossible to get to, you can't leave (?) either older children or younger ones,.but with no ideas of why this place is so impossible to get to for a non-driver or the basic details such as ages of the children it's very difficult to know what to suggest.

I'm struggling to understand how you can have children with someone and be physically unable to visit him. It's not that I don't believe you, I'm just struggling to understand it. I wonder if some of these barriers - that look insurmountable - could actually be overcome with the right support or ideas. On the face of it, unless he lives on the other side of the world, asking you to visit while he is incapacitated doesn't seem an unreasonable request.

Original poster

Cookiecrumble22 · 25/07/2022 19:45

urrrgh46 · 25/07/2022 19:21

Hi OP my Mum had an acoustic neuroma removed 10 yrs ago. A 12hr operation. I really don't think he'll be in any state to visit for a few days at very least after the operation. He's also unlikely to die! My DM has been left with a little facial paralysis and due to that an eye that doesn't close properly and is permanently "dry" but the surgeon was quite disappointed with this & it definitely not a given that it'll happen. I don't think it appropriate for young children to visit until he's out of hospital tbh.

Thank you. I thought the same about the kids. One has autism as well and I think he will be quite upset by it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cookiecrumble22 · 25/07/2022 19:53

Dewsberry · 25/07/2022 19:39

It's a very unusual set up OP and you're not giving the info for anyone to help with ideas etc. You say you can't drive so it's impossible to get to, you can't leave (?) either older children or younger ones,.but with no ideas of why this place is so impossible to get to for a non-driver or the basic details such as ages of the children it's very difficult to know what to suggest.

I'm struggling to understand how you can have children with someone and be physically unable to visit him. It's not that I don't believe you, I'm just struggling to understand it. I wonder if some of these barriers - that look insurmountable - could actually be overcome with the right support or ideas. On the face of it, unless he lives on the other side of the world, asking you to visit while he is incapacitated doesn't seem an unreasonable request.

It is very complicated. I should have posted under a different name. So I could just give all the full information. But its to late now. And I don't want to out any of it under this name. I had not realised my op would not be enough. But I have managed to get some general advice which I can have a think about.

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MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 25/07/2022 20:22

I don't know anyone at all. I don't really have friends. And don't really speak to mums at the school. Well not enough to ask for child care

Well, once you've sorted out this current situation, this is something you need to put right.
What would happen if you were taken ill? Or if one child was, and you had to stay at the hospital with him/her? Or if you couldn't be there for a myriad of other reasons?

HernamewasMary · 25/07/2022 20:29

I think Zoom or Facetime sounds like the best compromise to reduce the need for in person visits

SD1978 · 25/07/2022 21:14

It's not usually a fatal tumour is it, from what I remember. Have you researched it? It's usually a benign tumour, so surprised he would be hospitalised for that length of time. He's not your responsibility. You're not taking the kids to see him, whilst it's nice that you feel obligated- what would he do for you in the same situation? Also has he exaggerated to you the seriousness of the condition?

SD1978 · 25/07/2022 21:16

I misread that the stay in hospital would be 2 months- sorry!

lastminutedotcom22 · 25/07/2022 21:19

I'd phone up your local children's services team at the council and speak to a social worker to see if they can assist.
A lady I know lost her husband to cancer and they had no family to support and they managed to arrange some temporary respite care for the children with fully DBS'd foster carers this could be a solution for you x

cestlavielife · 25/07/2022 21:21

It wont kill him it's benign

You dont need to visit with or without the kids
Call on facetime

Just go visit when he home recuperating

ApolloandDaphne · 25/07/2022 21:22

lastminutedotcom22 · 25/07/2022 21:19

I'd phone up your local children's services team at the council and speak to a social worker to see if they can assist.
A lady I know lost her husband to cancer and they had no family to support and they managed to arrange some temporary respite care for the children with fully DBS'd foster carers this could be a solution for you x

There is absolutely no chance SS will help with hospital visits. He isn't dying he is having an OP and will be unwell. The children can zoom call him to keep in touch then visit once he is home and feeling better.

Original poster

Cookiecrumble22 · 25/07/2022 21:37

SD1978 · 25/07/2022 21:14

It's not usually a fatal tumour is it, from what I remember. Have you researched it? It's usually a benign tumour, so surprised he would be hospitalised for that length of time. He's not your responsibility. You're not taking the kids to see him, whilst it's nice that you feel obligated- what would he do for you in the same situation? Also has he exaggerated to you the seriousness of the condition?

I know this sounds very selfish of me. Actually I sound like a shit bag. But I said tonight when we were messaging that I will try my best to get there. I will do all I can extra. And he said he understands if I can't as he knows it's difficult. He did say he would try see if he could help at his end for child care with the 2 youngest. So that might help.

But then he added "if you can't make it not to worry. I have to go through this on my own" but he has. At least 8-9 people on his side of the family who will visit and support him. So it's not that he had no one. I guess it could be that he's getting worried.

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Icannoteven · 25/07/2022 21:39

Are you a stay at home mum? Do your children go to school? If so, could you change/cut down on your working hours so u can visit him while the children are in school?

Could someone else visit him instead? A friend or family member? Could a family member come and stay with you and have your kids while u visit?

I was in a similar situation recently - partner with cancer, had multiple surgeries, 2 small children, no family near by, I didn't drive etc. I know how stressful it can be. If there is anyone you can possibly ask for help, do. You will be surprised how much people will step up in situations like this.

Another option is, once your partner is mobile, bring your kids to the hospital and have your partner meet you in the hospital cafe for lunch. It will be less scary for your children that way.

And if u need to, prioritise keeping things ticking at home. There is a lot to be said for that. At the end of the day, your partner will be being cared for in hospital. You are at home alone with no support, having to be everything to every one! He will have everything he needs there. There have been lots of times during the pandemic where people haven't been able to visit loved ones in hospital. It's not ideal but it is what it is.

Re. Your older kids mental health issues - is there anyone who can stand in as a sort of emergency contact?

Original poster

Cookiecrumble22 · 25/07/2022 21:40

ApolloandDaphne · 25/07/2022 21:22

There is absolutely no chance SS will help with hospital visits. He isn't dying he is having an OP and will be unwell. The children can zoom call him to keep in touch then visit once he is home and feeling better.

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💯% I would not do that anyway

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