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Original poster

Really let DD down about dummy and I'm so upset.

46 replies

MumbleCrumbs · 24/07/2022 23:07

DD has just turned seven and has SEN. Her issues are mainly around emotional regulation and the ability to soothe herself, it started during covid and never really got better to the point school told me they suspected she needed to be assessed. Her first autism assessment is in September.
Since whe was little she has been extremely orally fixated and is incredibly attached to her dummy. I know seven is much too old to have it. However it is how she soothes herself. She will hyperventilate and make herself sick without it at night time and tonight we tried again as we have a holiday next week. I thought going might provide an incentive for her and I was dreading it as I always get barbed nasty comments about it as my in laws "don't believe in autism". She had a full blown meltdown and made herself sick to the point I gave it back. I just feel like a failure. I don't know how to wean her off of it. She sucks her fingers and thumb without it but at night it really is just so extreme. I now put her through all of that distress only to buckle and give it back. Her teeth are fine but I know they will be ruined if it goes on much longer. I just don't know to do anymore. Sorry just looking to vent as everyone is asleep and I'm awake feeling like the worst mother in the universe.

OP posts:

feministqueen · 24/07/2022 23:09

Oh love. That sounds really really hard.
What change do you want to see and when do you want to see it by? How do you think you can get your daughter on board?

You have not let your DD down. Please don't think that way x

Thatsenoughnow · 24/07/2022 23:09

I don't think I'd tackle it until she's been assessed. She clearly needs it and until you can offer her an alternative i don't think it's right to take it away and expect an autistic child to go cold turkey.

AnyFucker · 24/07/2022 23:12

Let her have the dummy just to facilitate bedtime routine. Ease it out once she is sleeping. Ignore any idiotic onlookers.

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parietal · 24/07/2022 23:15

if it helps her sleep, let her have it to sleep. work gradually on using it less in the daytime, especially if it prevents her speaking. but at night for sleep, it is fine.

and completely ignore the in-laws who 'don't believe in autism'. they are ignorant and unhelpful.

nachobusiness · 24/07/2022 23:15

I have an autistic daughter who is really attached to her dummy too. Her teeth aren't great. Oral hygiene is a battle and her diet is extremely poor. I have seen a video recently where a little boy took his dummy into build a bear to say goodbye to it, they put the dummy inside the teddy and the boy got a big sticker. I'm thinking of trying this but I don't think it will work, I'm not going to force it either. The distress is really not worth it for her.

user1471548941 · 24/07/2022 23:16

Sensory seeking behaviour from autistic people is usually the only way we know to cope from stress.

i sucked my thumb until I was 14 even through huuuuge family pressure to stop. I didn’t care, I needed it to help regulate my emotions. Grew out of it naturally when other things became more effective. No negative impact on teeth!

Age 29 I cannot sleep without rubbing a piece of ribbon on my face. My husband accepts this and all my sensory behaviours as part of me- I’d be SO upset without them, constantly stressed.

my life I so much better with my sensory aides, I cannot even fathom how I’d feel without them, I’m not sure I’d still be here.

if it soothes her, why take it away?!

BellaLab · 24/07/2022 23:17

You’re not the worst mum in the universe. As a PP said wait until you have her assessed. If your IL’s don’t believe in autism that’s their tough shit. Are you going on holiday with your IL’s? If not then you have nothing to worry about in my view, do what makes your DD a settled happy child. If you are going on holiday with them then firm words are needed with them before you go.

nachobusiness · 24/07/2022 23:17

My daughter doesn't have it for school neither. She got used to that really quickly and only really has it when she is sleepy or if she becomes distressed. Her blanket and dummy are her comfort.

Original poster

MumbleCrumbs · 24/07/2022 23:20

She doesn't have it at school or during the day mostly, but at night she gets so anxious about everything and just cannot sleep without it. I've tried, and she's tried so hard but she just gets so genuinely distressed. I'm so worried her teeth will be ruined and that she will miss out on sleepovers and residentials with school. I just feel so upset for her and angry with myself for putting her through it.

OP posts:

Thefriendlymoth · 24/07/2022 23:20

I work with children and lots ours use chew necklaces/toys to sooth or regulate. It might be a stepping stone if you really wanted to get rid of the dummy but honestly, don’t feel bad for doing something that helps your daughter, especially don’t feel pressured into it by people around you that clearly have no clue about ND children.

JustAsking90 · 24/07/2022 23:21

No contact with the gramps, stat.

user850301848172 · 24/07/2022 23:21

Leave her with her dummy. It doesn't matter if she's 7months, 7 or 17, she's happy and it helps her.

Original poster

MumbleCrumbs · 24/07/2022 23:22

Thefriendlymoth · 24/07/2022 23:20

Yes we tried this tonight, she calls them her "chewlery" but at night they just don't work. They are good during the day though and have helped a lot.

OP posts:

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 24/07/2022 23:22

OK, so be completely honest with yourself are you bothered about her having it, or are you bothered by other people judging you for letting her have it? I'd bet money that it's the latter.

The way I look at parenting is that I know and love my children more than any other person in the world does, that means that I go with my instincts. So listen to yours - it's telling you that her being happy and settled is more important than anything, you don't need to explain anything to anyone, you know what is right for her.

Take a deep breath, let the guilt you're feeling now go, and trust yourself - you've got this. Tonight was a blip tomorrow is another day, be kind to yourself and let your other half deal with your in laws, you sound like you have enough on your plate already.

FlibbertyGiblets · 24/07/2022 23:23

Your inlaws. They don't care much about her emotional well being, do they, if they 'don't believe' in autism. So ignore them, any pointed remarks about Dd and her soother, you can bat off with a stock phrase such as 'we will be following advice from the paedriatrician, thanks for your concern' repeat as neccessary.

Are you going away with them next week (hence triggering this panic to take away the dummy) ?

Bovrilly · 24/07/2022 23:26

I honestly think it would be cruel to take the dummy away since she so obviously needs it. Wait until you get a diagnosis and ask for some strategies then. I am autistic, sucked my thumb until I was in my 30s and have other soothing behaviours now. It's not the same for us as it is for NT people.

Plinkyplankyplonk · 24/07/2022 23:30

Both my children have additional needs, although mostly in different ways.

I do what works for us, and what is best for the kids and us as a family. I've been judged to high heavens! For a dummy, chew toys, my 5 year old using a pushchair, being too "soft" on my kids, FFS. Honestly, just do you. If you aren't judged for the dummy it will be something else, might as well just stick to what you know helps. You know the dummy helps her, she loves her dummy. So fuck all else matters!

alnawire · 24/07/2022 23:31

I wouldn't take it away. It helps her. The only reason you are removing it is because you think 7 is too old to have a dummy. It's not. If it helps your child settle then 7 is just fine to have a dummy. Also if you do remove it, the week before going on holiday is definitely the wrong time, she will need it even more when away.

Original poster

MumbleCrumbs · 24/07/2022 23:31

If im being honest its a lot of things. I want her to be able to soothe herself without it and I want her to not feel embarrassed by it (she does now, says its for babies and doesn't want her friends to know). I want her to be able to cope with her anxiety at night without relying on it. I don't want her teeth to be ruined. But yes I also hate the judgement. I hate being made to feel like a failure because she still has it. I hate people thinking she's "naughty" when she's really melting down and distressed. My other children are neurotypical (I hope that's the appropriate term). I've never gone through this before.

OP posts:

Sprogonthetyne · 24/07/2022 23:35

Wait until after the assessment before you do anything. Parenting an autistic child is nothing like parenting a NT one, so I think you need to know before you both go through anymore stress trying to conform to NT expectations.

My autistic DS is nearly 6 and still sometimes had a bottle. Is it ideal? No. Is it better then the distress it would cause him to not have that calming mechanism? Absolutely.

LittleBabyBump · 24/07/2022 23:36

My oldest is similar. He NEEDS his dummy. I had a full on shouting match with the in laws recently because they were being nasty about it and kept taunting him and pulling his dummy out. They just did themselves out of any unsupervised time with him. Next time we see them I’m tempted to take my own dummy just to annoy them. 😂 If he didn’t adore them and ask to see them I’d have insisted on NC after the way they behaved. They don’t believe in autism either.

AyeUpMeDuck · 24/07/2022 23:36

I'd let her have a dummy until she doesn't want it anymore.

If she doesn't have asleep over or a residential.. well, she doesn't have them.. not all kids do and will any way so meh.

Stress for her over something they may never happen anyway seems a waste of everyone's energy tbh.

Let her have the dummy and if any has a problem with, tell them to take their naked arsed and go sit on a wooden fence post... See how they like a bit of sensory input..

Afterfire · 24/07/2022 23:37

Let her have it. It’s very hard for people with autism to self soothe and if it works for her that’s the main thing. It really doesn’t matter what other people think - particularly stupid arseholes who clearly don’t have any understanding of autism.

My dd - who doesn’t have autism - sucked her thumb until she was about 14! We couldn’t - and didn’t - stop her so she just carried on. The dentist always says she has perfect teeth (she’s now 19 and I actually don’t know if she still sucks her thumb at night or not!)

My Ds aged 10 has severe autism and does a lot of things others would roll their eyes at and get judgey about but fuck em, they’re not the ones living with autism, and they don’t know my son.

Original poster

MumbleCrumbs · 24/07/2022 23:41

I just feel so out of my depth and I let it go too far tonight. I just thought if she could do it just once we would be able to get rid of it. Thank you all for being so lovely I am now having a bit of a cry.

OP posts:

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 24/07/2022 23:44

I'd wait until after the assessment and then see what the speech and language therapist says or whatever other specialist that works with her says about it. Seems like she's not ready yet to let it go.

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