Really let DD down about dummy and I'm so upset.

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DD has just turned seven and has SEN. Her issues are mainly around emotional regulation and the ability to soothe herself, it started during covid and never really got better to the point school told me they suspected she needed to be assessed. Her first autism assessment is in September.
Since whe was little she has been extremely orally fixated and is incredibly attached to her dummy. I know seven is much too old to have it. However it is how she soothes herself. She will hyperventilate and make herself sick without it at night time and tonight we tried again as we have a holiday next week. I thought going might provide an incentive for her and I was dreading it as I always get barbed nasty comments about it as my in laws "don't believe in autism". She had a full blown meltdown and made herself sick to the point I gave it back. I just feel like a failure. I don't know how to wean her off of it. She sucks her fingers and thumb without it but at night it really is just so extreme. I now put her through all of that distress only to buckle and give it back. Her teeth are fine but I know they will be ruined if it goes on much longer. I just don't know to do anymore. Sorry just looking to vent as everyone is asleep and I'm awake feeling like the worst mother in the universe.

Her speech has never been a problem luckily and we've gotten to a point where she barely has it in the day time.

have a hug, this parenting lark is hard (hug)

If it soothes her, let her have it. The world is a challenging place if you have autism, so really is a dummy so much of a problem? If she recognises that she doesn't want people to see it, she will self regulate on when she has it.
I'll be honest, I still suck my thumb and I'm 32. My parents think I stopped as a teen...
I'm picky about who I do it around, but it does soothe me. Not autistic but definitely some ND characteristics.

You're not a failure because your 7 year old potential asd daughter uses a dummy. Letting her have the dummy at night allows her to rest and you. She just doesn't have the ability to self sooth , there is no shame in using tools to help your child. I've asd and I still sleep with a teddy in my mid 30s, I also have to have a clock at the foot of my bed that I can see in the middle of the night and I have to have the TV on. Otherwise I can't sleep. I've no shame about the way I help my brain and neither should you or your daughter.

You haven't let her down. Unless you try something you won't know whether it's worth trying.

Leave it for a few nights. Weeks, even. Is the summer holiday a good time to make changes? Or is your dd more settled during the routine of term-time, and therefore it might be easier to make changes at home then?

Whenever you choose to try again, how about backward chaining? Rather than starting without the dummy, encourage your dd to take it out when she feels calm and settled, and put it under her pillow (or on the bedside table or wherever works). She can put it back whenever she likes. She is in control of her self-soothing. She does it once or twice every night, just so she knows that she is safe. The objective is eventually to extend the time before she puts the dummy back, extend the time she feels safe and calm without it. During her dummy-free time she might develop a new self-soothing behaviour that does not cause any concern.

It doesn't matter how long she takes to extend the time, or even if the dummy-free time gets shorter for a while when she is more stressed. No pressure and no promises. It might work, it might not. But, hopefully, it won't be distressing.

Dc is nearing 4 and has it far too much in the daytime and overnight so I do worry that I’m making excuses and life harder for myself. But we’ve just moved house and preschool/playgroups/playgrounds, been on holiday and met all different people, had all sorts of lockdown mischief etc so I tend to go with my gut.

I have a sibling with Aspergers and remember trips away being very difficult because of the routine changes.

I think the trip will be stressful enough for her so I definitely wouldn’t remove it now. I’d rather deal with the scorn of a few idiots than the meltdown.

Is it worth finding headphones, weighted blankets etc if they would help. We were also once able to apply for priority boarding on a plane which also helped.

This sounds like a really good idea. Tonight when she was crying she was saying she "just wanted to be able to see it" so I think maybe as long as she knows where it is she'll be less panicked and maybe try going longer periods without it.

If you wanted to transition from a dummy (not saying you should btw) you could try chewlery? sensoryneeds.co.uk/collections/chewelry

Your H needs to have a firm word with his horrible parents.

Or chewstix: sensoryneeds.co.uk/collections/chew-stixx

Oh OP this isn't that bad. I wouldn't be going away with your inlaws though.

So it's only a night thing. At 7 your DD has understanding I think to just take the dummy is a bit cruel as she's aware herself and feels embarrassed. I think in her own time she will use it less and less but don't ban her from the dummy.

The thing is, she may be 7 in body physically but emotionally she is not. You have to wait until she gets to the right point emotionally too.

DC is nearly 10 now and had his until he was 7 ish I think ( I actually can't remember now so clearly isn't a big deal in the grand scheme).

Now we're fighting other battles with him but choosing them carefully. Something that is private and brings comfort and not dangerous? Nope, not a battle worth having imo.

We're still on the pathway with CAMHS too, the waiting times in this area are horrific so just firefighting as we go as much as we can.

Chalk this one up to experience and forget about it. Tell the critical in-laws to sod off too.

Hope you and DD have a brighter day tomorrow

Her friends don't need to know, she just needs a special box to keep it in by her bed.
I really wouldn't worry about missing out on sleepovers, they aren't important, and you may find other reasons why she can't cope anyway.
One thing I've come to realise with mine is you can only go at the pace a child is ready for (which is why I've effectively got a star chart for my 17yo this summer).

Honestly stop worrying about her teeth. More than half of the teens I know had braces and those that are not eligible for them wish they had.

Children suck their thumbs without others realising. Let's not borrow trouble and start worrying about residentials yet.

No one needs to know, agree with the box idea.

Right let's look at the evidence

1. She needs the dummy to settle and it works
2. She may be ND in which case you Must be totally child centred and anything else won't work. You simply won't be able to wean off, lose the dummy as a parent might with an NT child.

3 Her speech is FINE 4 Her teeth are FINE

Stop feeling worried. You are responding to your child's needs.
And as the parent of several ND children - she'll not stop surprising you!! Really!! One of mine (now 18) had a dummy til 6...we came home one day and said "I don't want my la-la" and that was that!! Also, my ND 12 yr old daughter has started using gummy chew jewellery to help her not bite her nails and the skin around her nails. Her idea and we will see if it works.

He came home not we came home - he decided!

I would advise 'chewellery' as pp suggested. I have a 7 yo with adhd and the chew necklaces help with her oral fixations (nail biting, sucking fists) It's made a massive improvement and lots of SEN children are seen with them now, they're allowed in schools etc. Etsy have brilliant range that are safety tested. Maybe have a look through with her and let her pick some new colours and designs as a swap for the pacifier?

My dd is ASd. We got rid of hers by hanging it on the dummy tree for the dummy fairy to take.

She immediately started sucking her thumb! She was referred for a brace at11. At 15 she started going to orthodontist and stopped ducking her thumb.

It will happen eventually. I had a dummy until l was 6 which l immediately replaced with my thumb.

Leave her be until she’s ready x

I knew a similar parent who did something like this and it was really effective. The kid had a chart and if she had used the dummy, the next day she would put a blue sticker, and if it was under pillow, a green. After green days, she got a small treat (nothing huge, a sweet or something), but she had the liberty to choose so if the need for the dummy outweighed the treat, that was ok. It helped that the kid was really competitive by nature. As time went on, they did challenges like 4 greens in a row and you get something bigger. It really worked for her, as she was in control, there wasn't any pressure, but was aware that ultimately not using it was better.

It sounds to me like a great deal of your distress is directly caused by your lack of a supportive family and the fact that it takes so, so long to be assessed and receive help. I don’t think you’d be feeling “like the worst mother” if you weren’t dealing with these outside issues. You’re doing great. Don’t internalise things.

Your husband needs to urgently speak with his parents and tell them in no uncertain terms that their behaviour is harming you and their grandchild and that it won’t be tolerated. End of. It’s not his job to convince them that autism is real and I wouldn’t even attempt to do this. They can choose to exist in ignorance or they can educate themselves; that’s up to them entirely, but they are not entitled to harm other people with their ignorance. I would quite seriously go no (or very, very low) contact with anybody who caused such upset and distress to me and/or my children. I don’t care who they are. If they are going to continually make your autistic child feel as though they are naughty/stupid/weird etc for not behaving as an NT child might, that is going to be extremely harmful for your child going forward so be aware. Any time they make the slightest remark in the future, I’d get my things and leave. They will learn quickly that their comments are not going to be accepted.

RE the dummy, I’d leave it until you have the assessment. I really wouldn’t change anything. Wait until you have some proper support and guidance in place and other strategies that she can use. It’s not the end of the world at all. I understand your point about her teeth but it’s fulfilling a genuine need for her.

How about trying this? My friend had a huge success with this. Buy a nice tin or plastic box. My friend got a unicorn one from Wilko I think. When DD goes to bed put dummy in box/tin - make sure DD can open tin/box to get dummy out herself if she really needs it. Show her how to shake said tin/box so she knows it’s in there and that may well be enough for her to self soothe herself to sleep. It worked in no time at all. It also means when going for a sleepover she can take the box/tin with her HTH