Daughter 8 being excluded on the road

[Myname23]

Hi, my daughter is 8 & always played with a little girl on the road, bffs... Now this girl has teamed up with 4 other girls & they have stopped calling for dd, when she goes out to them they run & hide in her & basically making her feel uneasy...parents not approachable but don't want this for the whole summer... Dd is very sensitive & is upset by it all.. Aibu to just keep her off the road anyways?

I caught some girls doing this to my daughter on our road once. They were hiding behind our front wall to avoid her but I was sitting in an upstairs window and could see very well what they were doing. The window was open so I was able to call down in my best teacher voice (tho am not a teacher) "I hope you are all being kind, girls". Shat them right up and they called for DD the next day. The playing on the street petered out soon after though, presumably everyone's parents had enough.

I must say it was extremely satisfying if there's any way you can engineer it!

Validate her upset feelings which are understandable with some constructive empathy. It is hurtful to be rejected and excluded so let her know her feelings are natural. The other friend might be feeling very flattered at all her new mates and not want to share (which is rubbish and immature), but the chances she'll be back are not insignificant as the new friends may not be as amazing as they first seem.
Meanwhile tell your daughter all about the fantastic times she will have though she's feeling wounded right now.
Tell her the experience can show her the kind of person she doesn't want to be and that will be a way she can take something positive away from it. Perhaps this other girl will learn that this is no way to treat someone one day as she's only 8, but meanwhile your dd has learnt it already so she's in a good place to be a brilliant friend in the future which good people will value and that's important.

She's here telling me that they say "come on Freya (not real name) let's go down to the tree le & talk about little lunch, Isla you can't come, you don't have Netflix".. Etc..

Bumping again🙈

Frankly - kids are horrible.

Firstly I don't believe kids this young should be playing on the road alone. I know you said it's the done thing in your area as kids of 5&6 play out too but you also said the parents aren't approachable. Says a lot.

She isn't missing out on anything. These kids are cruel and would just end up having a detrimental effect on her confidence and self esteem. Keep her in and invite children round/plan play dates where your work schedule will allow. Also speak with your older 2 DD's because what you've said above, effectively they're doing the same as the kids outside if they stick together and don't want to include younger DD in anything. It's not like she's 8 and they're 16, there's only a couple of years in it. You've said they have clubs but since they're of school age then I'm assuming those clubs aren't all day every day.

I wouldn't encourage her to play with these girls right now. She'll only get upset.
The dynamic will almost certainly change at some point and once the girls engineering the divisive play are out of the picture, your DD will probably be invited to join in again.
Don't frame this group or exclusion as having any significance.
Keep her busy with other things and arrange playdates with kids she gets on with.
There were lots of little girls on our street when DD was growing up and this is very common. It's how kids learn some of the social rules in life. Protect your own child and don't get drawn into the drama.

Thanks @Beamur &@Olsi109 for putting it in perspective, you're absolutely right it is affecting her confidence & self esteem.. She is actually doing 4 weeks off camps this summer (art camp, a dance one, a yoga & mindfulness & gymnastics) all 4 or 5 hours long so that's those weeks covered. I will need to enlist the older dc alright...

Just a thought - given these girls go to different schools, could this be a ‘class’ or snobbery issue (straight or inverted)? It was very common when I was a kid for the private/grammar school/scholarship kids to be frozen out if the rest of them went to the local state school. This also happened the other way, though usually abetted by the parents.

No, all kids are in state schools but different.. A couple of the girls are in dd's school but different years & classes

As an aside

How on earth are you WFH with kids around?

Does your employer know?

My Dd at a similar age went on a play date (actually Dd didn’t want to go but I made her big mistake) and the host girl and the other guest password protected the tree house and wouldn’t tell dd2 what it was so she sat on her own all afternoon.

Depends where you live.

I have a similar set up to you OP but luckily my DD not left out. How about cherry picking one girl to come and play? Is there one nice one, with approachable parents? Divide and conquer.

I am my own employer @GirlInACountrySong so yes I'm my employer is well aware of my kids 🙄

That sounds terrible.. Your poor dd...

That is an option as well however I'm at the stage where I just don't want her involved with any of them....

I have to say if I had been hosting a playdate and spotted that sort of behaviour I’d have sent the culprits home in disgrace. 😡

They don't want to play with her.

You can't make them.

Invite other children from school over

They have excluded her. Show her that you do not change yourself or beg to be included - you get some self respect and say that you will not play with people who are mean to you - and this is choice you make for yourself.

Have you got a back garden that is inaccessible to the mean gang?

@rnsaslkih yes we do, she's out their all the with her dog & little cat. She plays lego with her older siblings & they read out in the garden every day (weather permitting)

Your garden sounds far superior to playing out on the road.

Being excluded like that is awful, definitely look for alternative activities - maybe your dd can go to a school friend if you can’t facilitate a play date?

A couple of the girls aren't out & one of them called for dd, she was reading & said she might go out in a while but is happy out the garden curled up with her kitten & Harry Potter, not forcing her as sure when the others appear she'll be dropped & left out again..

Just saw this, have arranged 2 for next week, shifted my hours around a bit to facilitate (self employed but like to be more present when we have other kids around) ..

Apologies for bumping this again, still very upset on dd's behalf..