So, I’m 38, with ASD and ADHD, which probably isn’t relevant to be honest. I was only diagnosed as an adult a few years ago.
My life has been a complete failure. At primary school I was extremely clever and got top grades in everything with zero effort, then the same at secondary school, until we got to the last couple of years and had to submit coursework, procrastination and poor time management won, and I did terribly. Got a couple of A-C grades, and the rest D’s.
Left home at 16, ended up pregnant with my first born within a year, due to grooming/exploitation, ended up with 3 children.
My children are all neurodiverse, mainly Adhd/ASD. Spent the last 15 years on benefits and receiving carers allowance with my children receiving DLA.
I get PIP for myself, which will most likely end in may due to me attending a pre access course, and due to start the full access course in sept (only got it awarded after applying for the first time last year) and that’s fine, if it ends because of this; it’s a risk I’m willing to take, to improve my life. I don’t want this life, I’m bored, I’m doing nothing, I have no direction, no passion, nothing. I add nothing to society, and often wonder what the point in my existence actually is.
In September when I start this course, I will lose carers allowance and income support (plus disability premiums that are added) so I’ll lose £880 a month.
Am I being unreasonable thinking that it’s the right decision, and a risk worth taking?
The following year will be much more tough as I’ll have lost PIP by then most likely. But I’m thinking about the long term, 4 years from now I could have graduated, and have the potential to earn.
I have no experience of anything right now, so I’m basically unemployable. But is it right to knowingly do something that I know will cause us, including my children, to be much worse off over the next few years? I can’t help but feel selfish for considering it. But I can’t just carry on with life as it is. It’s a completely bleak future. If I look forwards 5 years with me taking no action, then it’s miserable, there’s no point in it. So I need to change the outcome.
I worked out what I need to do to get where I want to be, and it includes the access course, alongside doing my maths GCSE (I’m enrolled for both) plus I need work experience, so I found a work coach who is hoping to get me volunteering with the CAB one day a week, who will provide training.
Plus, I need to drive! So many job opportunities not available to me due to me not being able to drive. So, I was thinking about starting lessons again in an automatic and hoping I can pass.
I can achieve this in 1 year can’t I???
Oh, I forgot to say, my children are 15… almost 16 (about to attempt his switch from DLA to PIP, which I don’t see being successful) and I have an 11 year old, who’s starting secondary school this year. They’re both still under camhs/sen etc. but nowhere near as much appointments as in the past, so there’s no reason I can’t work or study, other than my complete fear of it all going wrong and failing 😭
I’ll be doing the voluntary work/driving this year in preparation for next year living on student finance, hoping I could possibly get some paid work alongside the course once I have some experience and the ability to drive.
All I keep getting told is that I’d be mad to give up our benefits, and it won’t work out (by family)
But I don’t think they understand, I don’t want the benefits, I want a life, and one that I’ve built and makes me happy.
I feel like people think I’m incapable because of adhd/asd, but I can’t see why I shouldn’t be able to change things around if I really want to and work hard enough.
Or is it me that’s being unrealistic?
Sorry about the essay! Need to learn how to be concise!