Can I begin my life at 38? I’m Even with neurodiversity? Or am I kidding myself?

[Nosuchthingasover]

So, I’m 38, with ASD and ADHD, which probably isn’t relevant to be honest. I was only diagnosed as an adult a few years ago.
My life has been a complete failure. At primary school I was extremely clever and got top grades in everything with zero effort, then the same at secondary school, until we got to the last couple of years and had to submit coursework, procrastination and poor time management won, and I did terribly. Got a couple of A-C grades, and the rest D’s.
Left home at 16, ended up pregnant with my first born within a year, due to grooming/exploitation, ended up with 3 children.
My children are all neurodiverse, mainly Adhd/ASD. Spent the last 15 years on benefits and receiving carers allowance with my children receiving DLA.
I get PIP for myself, which will most likely end in may due to me attending a pre access course, and due to start the full access course in sept (only got it awarded after applying for the first time last year) and that’s fine, if it ends because of this; it’s a risk I’m willing to take, to improve my life. I don’t want this life, I’m bored, I’m doing nothing, I have no direction, no passion, nothing. I add nothing to society, and often wonder what the point in my existence actually is.
In September when I start this course, I will lose carers allowance and income support (plus disability premiums that are added) so I’ll lose £880 a month.
Am I being unreasonable thinking that it’s the right decision, and a risk worth taking?

The following year will be much more tough as I’ll have lost PIP by then most likely. But I’m thinking about the long term, 4 years from now I could have graduated, and have the potential to earn.
I have no experience of anything right now, so I’m basically unemployable. But is it right to knowingly do something that I know will cause us, including my children, to be much worse off over the next few years? I can’t help but feel selfish for considering it. But I can’t just carry on with life as it is. It’s a completely bleak future. If I look forwards 5 years with me taking no action, then it’s miserable, there’s no point in it. So I need to change the outcome.

I worked out what I need to do to get where I want to be, and it includes the access course, alongside doing my maths GCSE (I’m enrolled for both) plus I need work experience, so I found a work coach who is hoping to get me volunteering with the CAB one day a week, who will provide training.
Plus, I need to drive! So many job opportunities not available to me due to me not being able to drive. So, I was thinking about starting lessons again in an automatic and hoping I can pass.
I can achieve this in 1 year can’t I???
Oh, I forgot to say, my children are 15… almost 16 (about to attempt his switch from DLA to PIP, which I don’t see being successful) and I have an 11 year old, who’s starting secondary school this year. They’re both still under camhs/sen etc. but nowhere near as much appointments as in the past, so there’s no reason I can’t work or study, other than my complete fear of it all going wrong and failing 😭
I’ll be doing the voluntary work/driving this year in preparation for next year living on student finance, hoping I could possibly get some paid work alongside the course once I have some experience and the ability to drive.
All I keep getting told is that I’d be mad to give up our benefits, and it won’t work out (by family)

But I don’t think they understand, I don’t want the benefits, I want a life, and one that I’ve built and makes me happy.
I feel like people think I’m incapable because of adhd/asd, but I can’t see why I shouldn’t be able to change things around if I really want to and work hard enough.
Or is it me that’s being unrealistic?
Sorry about the essay! Need to learn how to be concise!

I'm following and cheering you on because I have a similar story, unfortunately quite a common story for women with ADHD :( Something I didn't know is that teen girls with ADHD have a shockingly high pregnancy rate - something like 60% of us will be pregnant before the age of 20. I had no idea that I had ADHD at that time but if I had known and I had known that statistic, I might have been a bit more proactive in choosing contraception that didn't require any action or willpower from me. I was forever forgetting my pills, not bothering to use condoms etc. Just stupid looking back and obviously I got pregnant. Was not actually even using anything at that time but I didn't think it would happen

Driving licence is definitely a good thing to get. Do you use medication? I am thinking of having driving lessons again once I'm medicated.

I agree with all of this, I ended up dropping out of OU as the help was woeful. I also have adhd and autism and the help at a brick uni was far better then OU, which was really crap.

Hi, sorry I can’t remember who’s name to highlight for each answer!
I thought about enrolling with the open uni, but I know that it won’t work out with me , I don’t have the discipline, I’ll procrastinate, I’ll lose focus once the initial novelty wears off. I need accountability, or I’ll put the assignments off and end up overwhelmed. I need a brick uni definitely.
Yes, carers will stop with the access course as it’s classed as full time by the college. I will be doing one full day in college 9.30 till 4.30 and one day in uni 9.30 till 4.30, but also they expect the same hours again in independent study, so takes it over the 21 hours. And way over the 16 hours that income support allows (and unfortunately it’s income support that my disability and severe disability premiums are added, so I lose those too)
It’s annoying about the carers, as I’m doing this course while my son is at school, so I wouldn’t be caring for him in these hours usually anyway! But never mind.
I did the pre access earlier this year in psychology, sociology and criminology and absolutely loved it! I wanted to start the social sciences full access course this September, but they’re only doing it in the evenings this year, which isn’t practical with my children. So my tutor advised that I could do the social work access course during the day which will still get me onto the degree that I want, she said it’s a related subject, and to just look at it as currency, it gives me the entry requirements that I need to get into university. And shows my ability to work at the necessary level.
The modules we will be doing in social work will be… sociological theory, criminal justice and social policy, and social work and mental health. So it does seems relevant. My tutor said that the only thing I’ll be missing out on from not doing the social science access course is the psychology part of it.
It’s a psychology degree I’m considering though. I don’t want to be a psychologist, but I think it’s a more open ended degree that is useful for someone who changes their mind often like myself! And psychology absolutely fascinates me, I could obsess for hours! and I research it for fun! (Very strange)
I want to work in; advice/guidance/advocacy/human rights/raising awareness/campaigning for change etc
Which is why I’m hoping to get the CAB placement.
It’s hard to know what you actually want to do after such a long time doing nothing useful! So I just thought, well, what am I good at… Research! allll the research, for no good reason other than I thought about it and couldn’t let it go so hyper focus sets in lol. (And I’m pretty good at it actually!) I love finding out information for people from different sources, informing others and problem solving. My passion lies in social justice and equality. Oh and I’m the person everyone comes to when they need help to appeal any sort of government/welfare decision, and I have a 100 percent success rate so far! (unfortunately for me, I bloody hate filling in forms 🙄)
So it looks like advice work is the best fit I can think of that combines what I’m interested in and what I can actually do unless I’m missing something obvious that I might fit?

a politics or social policy degree would probably be better suited but they don’t offer it at my local uni, and I’m restricted to this uni really with me not driving and kids.
If driving wasn’t an issue my dream would be to become a forensic psychologist.

I feel for you OP

i too feel like this, late 30’s and have done nothing productive with my life career wise. Living on benefits and desperately wanting to get into work but feel like I’m unemployable. Have beautiful children who are 9+. On AD’s and also on waiting list for ADHD. I feel like everyone else in life is heaps and bounds ahead of me and I feel embarrassed I’m sitting in same spot not knowing what to do. Negative thoughts and procrastination is my biggest problem.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale yes, I’m on elvanse, and it’s very helpful.
dooneby the course is delivered mainly by face to face tuition but with self study too.
ReedtheReviews I haven’t tried anti depressants, because they thought I might have bipolar before they realised I have Adhd/asd, so antidepressants were contraindicated. I do wonder if they’d be helpful though. Some days it’s just like going through the motions. Existing rather than living and just waiting for the day to be over. But then at other times I feel positive about life, oh the joys of emotional dysregulation! Everything feels so flat sometimes.
But no, I’m not on anti depressants.

LunchBoxPolice I will inbox you after I’ve made the kids lunch :)

I’m surprised at the college classifying it as such given that their cohort will be mature students usually reliant on benefits.
Might be worth asking a very specific question regarding benefits and Access. See if there’s a finance/welfare specialist.

When I’ve advised people with caring responsibilities I would suggest adding up the hours in evening / weekend/ overnight as your caring responsibilities.

Theres a lot to unpick in your situation and I suggest you ask these specific questions. And it’s worth asking a specialist.
ime CAB can be hit and miss depending. on who you get (I used to volunteer with them)

OP, you are not unemployable. You just haven’t found your niche yet, and at 38, you are pretty young still- still young enough to start and enjoy an interesting career in a field that is right for you.

We are v similar ages, but I am childfree being a difference. First of all, just remember, you’re a mum: that’s amazing!

Now it’s time for you to do you. Regrettably, I haven’t read the entire thread, but could you:-

• explore some free online courses in IT, which- even if you have no interest in IT- will be helpful.


• tell us your passions and interests which may be a starting point for where you’d like to work?

I am also on the ASD spectrum (unofficial but part assessed by 3 x pros), and have also found it hard to commit to work, even with 2 x degrees and teaching experience. Since covid I've worked in admin in the care industry and am ready now to retrain (for 4th time lol!) in something new and rewarding such as SLT or OT. IF I get on the course and acquire the funding!

Rumikub
it doesn’t specifically say it’s over 21 hours on the course information. But CAB said that if the college classes it as full time education then that’s what carers will class it as.
student services just said that yes it’s a full time course, but maybe I could ask my tutor if she could confirm that under 21 hours is needed to complete the course? I’ve no idea if that would be helpful, or even if she would.

It says 12 hours/ week so that’s not classed as full time hours in theory.

Your best bet is to ask a welfare adviser at the college as they should be across the specific guidance for students and carers.

www.gov.uk/carers-allowance/eligibility

Find someone at college that will write a letter saying it’s not full time and it’s 12 hours.

Yes, but then on the carers website it says the same as cab, that if the college classes it as full time then it’s full time. And I found the rules somewhere else that says it needs to be under 21 hours but that includes any independent study that’s expected and college said it’s the contact hours plus those hours again in study time.
So I’m not sure, I’m confused. Do I go by what cab and student services say? I did actually wonder if I should just say nothing to anyone as the course details say 12 hours. But that would be dishonest, so I shouldn’t do that.

I should at least try and challenge it with the college shouldn’t I, as would make life so much easier for this year.

Rummikub
this says full time. So I really don’t know. 😫

soeak to the finance/ welfare specialist at college. They’ll advise you appropriately.

i have had benefits agency contact me about students hours but we route them only through welfare so wrong statements aren’t made. Your College should be aware of implications of making these statements for finances for their mature students.

Again ime curriculum staff will emphasise commitment required in terms of hours but welfare staff will have a more holistic view.

It’s all very confusing.

just seen that image. That’s annoying!

Depending on how you feel about it you can ask someone higher up in college to amend it. I know we did because of this type of issue.

Rummikub
oh that sounds hopeful! I’ll ring them in the morning and see if they can help! Thank you

@Nosuchthingasover so brave of you to start this thread! And I think you sound wonderful.

i have autism and adhd too. I’m 36! I wish we were together at a recruitment fair I attended last week - there were disability charities there offering to fill out application forms for roles (I struggle with them!)

The local college was there too encouraging me to keep studying. We had a chat about apprenticeships, career changes and finding employment.

I wish you were there to see all the options you have, laid out and easy to access.

In my head, it’s like a ball of string and I can’t find the end to start unraveling and make progress (Adhd sucks!) all the ideas I have get all jumbled up and I can’t choose a pathway.

🤗 You’re going to do fabulous. Keep goin x

It is confusing I agree. It’s a minefield guiding someone appropriately.

Is the college in a city btw as I guess that would influence how many students this would affect.

You don’t need to find the end. Just find a loose thread and start pulling. It will make sense eventually.

@Rummikub now you’ve said it, I think that’s what I did at the recruitment fair. I only decided to go on the day because it seemed like it “could” be a great idea. I think that was the loose thread!

and I came away with so much easy to process information! And I feel quite positive.

My brain is a massive jumble, terrible considering I’m a reluctant software developer

I have no advice to give but I admire you very much. You aren't the first or only person to drift along not knowing what to do with your life. But you do now.

Your writing is so articulate and comprehensive.

Best of luck.

That’s great! Now find the next loose thread. Remember those people at the fair will have advisers you can contact too

NellesVilla
Hi! I could definitely look for some online courses. I did a couple through the OU yesterday, not IT though. I’ll look for some IT ones.
Passions and interests… erm…how the human brain works. Sociology, Justice, equality, what shapes a person, what makes them who they are. What makes people tick. Nature/nurture theory. The importance of advocacy for those that can’t advocate for themselves. Research! which is what I spend most of my spare time doing! Noticing patterns! But not in the conventional way, more in the way of noticing patterns in human behaviour.
Hyper sensitive to facial expression and body language.
I can read people like a book, I pick up on other peoples moods and it can get uncomfortable.
Oh and I want to educate/raise awareness of asd and adhd in women and how it’s misunderstood, and often misdiagnosed (often as personality disorders) and how there are many different presentations. I get quite angry about it at times!
and I love writing!
forensics. And I’m good with admin type things too.
in fact, I think there’s just too many things I’m interested in 😅 so it’s hard to decide. No one can want to do everything.
retraining sounds exciting, I really hope you get the funding you are hoping for!

I'm a mature student who is autistic and currently going through the ADHD assessment process too.

Make sure you ask your college/ uni for a disability needs assessment in order to put support into place.

I don't think DSA is payable at access level but it is when you reach degree level. I got computer equipment with accessibility software and an hour each week with an autism communication worker and a separate MH advisor which makes a huge difference.

I also volunteered with CAB a few years ago, their training is excellent and very highly regarded by employers. You will come across a diverse nature of people and issues if you volunteer there so I highly recommend it.

I'm not sure if you are trying to achieve too much in a single year with volunteering, study, driving and kids but you do definitely need to look to your own future since it will only be a few years till your youngest is an adult.