Can I begin my life at 38? I’m Even with neurodiversity? Or am I kidding myself?

[Nosuchthingasover]

So, I’m 38, with ASD and ADHD, which probably isn’t relevant to be honest. I was only diagnosed as an adult a few years ago.
My life has been a complete failure. At primary school I was extremely clever and got top grades in everything with zero effort, then the same at secondary school, until we got to the last couple of years and had to submit coursework, procrastination and poor time management won, and I did terribly. Got a couple of A-C grades, and the rest D’s.
Left home at 16, ended up pregnant with my first born within a year, due to grooming/exploitation, ended up with 3 children.
My children are all neurodiverse, mainly Adhd/ASD. Spent the last 15 years on benefits and receiving carers allowance with my children receiving DLA.
I get PIP for myself, which will most likely end in may due to me attending a pre access course, and due to start the full access course in sept (only got it awarded after applying for the first time last year) and that’s fine, if it ends because of this; it’s a risk I’m willing to take, to improve my life. I don’t want this life, I’m bored, I’m doing nothing, I have no direction, no passion, nothing. I add nothing to society, and often wonder what the point in my existence actually is.
In September when I start this course, I will lose carers allowance and income support (plus disability premiums that are added) so I’ll lose £880 a month.
Am I being unreasonable thinking that it’s the right decision, and a risk worth taking?

The following year will be much more tough as I’ll have lost PIP by then most likely. But I’m thinking about the long term, 4 years from now I could have graduated, and have the potential to earn.
I have no experience of anything right now, so I’m basically unemployable. But is it right to knowingly do something that I know will cause us, including my children, to be much worse off over the next few years? I can’t help but feel selfish for considering it. But I can’t just carry on with life as it is. It’s a completely bleak future. If I look forwards 5 years with me taking no action, then it’s miserable, there’s no point in it. So I need to change the outcome.

I worked out what I need to do to get where I want to be, and it includes the access course, alongside doing my maths GCSE (I’m enrolled for both) plus I need work experience, so I found a work coach who is hoping to get me volunteering with the CAB one day a week, who will provide training.
Plus, I need to drive! So many job opportunities not available to me due to me not being able to drive. So, I was thinking about starting lessons again in an automatic and hoping I can pass.
I can achieve this in 1 year can’t I???
Oh, I forgot to say, my children are 15… almost 16 (about to attempt his switch from DLA to PIP, which I don’t see being successful) and I have an 11 year old, who’s starting secondary school this year. They’re both still under camhs/sen etc. but nowhere near as much appointments as in the past, so there’s no reason I can’t work or study, other than my complete fear of it all going wrong and failing 😭
I’ll be doing the voluntary work/driving this year in preparation for next year living on student finance, hoping I could possibly get some paid work alongside the course once I have some experience and the ability to drive.
All I keep getting told is that I’d be mad to give up our benefits, and it won’t work out (by family)

But I don’t think they understand, I don’t want the benefits, I want a life, and one that I’ve built and makes me happy.
I feel like people think I’m incapable because of adhd/asd, but I can’t see why I shouldn’t be able to change things around if I really want to and work hard enough.
Or is it me that’s being unrealistic?
Sorry about the essay! Need to learn how to be concise!

Oh, and most of my adult life has basically just been (in between caring for my children) a list of missed opportunities, procrastination, low motivation and apathy.
Oh, and bad decisions.
but I feel like I finally have some kind of drive! So I want to work with it!

Oh, I missed out important information! Lol. it’s a university course I’ll be starting next year; to complete a degree over 3 years . It’s an access to higher education course I’m starting this September, then will be starting applications to university shortly after.

Wishing you the best of luck.

I have no experience of anything right now, so I’m basically unemployable.

Don't forget that everyone has to start somewhere - there's a 'first job' for everyone. This is actually a good time to be looking for work, as unemployment is at its lowest levels for years.

You shouldn't be hard on yourself about 'adding nothing to society' etc.- that's nonsense, you have brought up your children in very difficult circumstances. But you are absolutely right to look to the long term and make sure your life can be fulfilling once your children are independent. You seem to have a robust and detailed plan, so I'm sure you can do it!

Well done for making the first steps towards the life you want for yourself & your children.
Best of luck op.

Sounds like you have a really good plan going, and lots of drive to do it.

it’s more important you get on with building your life, but do check you will have enough to live on, and figure out how to adjust your plans a little if necessary. Also presume you checked that you do definitely loose all this? Citizens advice or step change can help you check you aren’t missing out on benefits in your new situation (although you sound v on top of it) and stepchange will be able to help you work out a new budget.

As long as you have enough to get buy - and presumably you do if you are planning driving lessons - then it’s going to do your kids a lot more good to see you sorting your life out than continuing with life as is. (yes you can pass your driving test in a year - but book tests early, they get v booked up). It’s also much better for you and your needs also count.

it sounds like you’ve got into a habit of being hard on yourself, but you shouldn’t be - you’ve had a huge amount to deal with what with undiagnosed SN, grooming, and early unsupported motherhood. Don’t transfer that habit and start being critical about your new life plan. I think you should ask your GP to be referred for CBT - it will take ages to come through, but when it does it will help you reframe your thoughts. Get a book or do a free online course in the meantime. Your college will also have some kind of counselling service.

Your family’s reservations are understandable - it’s a lot of money to give up - don’t talk to them about it too much if it’s easier not too.

Good luck with everything, all you have been through is fantastic life experience for building a career. Do check on your benefits and get that CBT referral. Do make sure the college knows all your history and supports you with study skills training. There is also some free work coaching available for those who are neuro diverse - possibly that’s how you’re paying for your work coach, but if not they should know about it.

You can do it. I’m in my 30’s and started studying last year. I have a child with ADHD/ASD and I suspect I have it too but getting any sort of diagnosis or help seems impossible.
pm me if you want to be study buddies! I don’t know anyone else in a similar situation and it’s hard and lonely.

Antarcticant Thank you.
I do think I have a good plan. I’ve thought it through. I’ve worked out the finances, and it’s viable. It will be hard work, but doable on paper. If it doesn’t work out, then I’ll be massively worse off as I can’t go back to legacy benefits after coming of them. But I’ll just have to make sure it works out then won’t I!
i usually work from the position that if it’s not benefiting me right this minute then it’s not worth it, which is stupid, it’s not got me anywhere useful so far! (Doing the same thing again and again hoping for a different result is madness surely!)
I feel like I have a little clarity for once of what needs to happen, and it’s delayed gratification that is going to work out best long term.

Financially it will be tough, but if you’ve crunched the numbers and can do it I would.

you are clearly intelligent and articulate, and now maturer than as a teenage student, and I bet you will manage your time so much better now. Uni will also put things in place to support you.

and as to having no experience - a teenage mum who has cared for two neuro diverse children and no doubt fought on their behalf at lost of stages will have oodles of life experience and relevant transferable skills that would be seen as an asset in a new graduate.

what do you fancy studying?

Check with the college which benefits will continue. I’d you get any payments due to a condition then that should remain.

Or check with CAB or on entitled to.

i think it’s fantastic you’re doing this. You have given yourself options.

what’s the access course in and the degree you’re hoping to study?

Oh if you have your diagnosis then you can get extra disability grant funding for uni.

Luredbyapomegranate
Yes, I did check with CAB, and I definitely lose that amount of money. You can’t be a full time student on either income support or carers allowance. I could potentially apply for universal credit and be £40 a week better off, but they advised me to think very carefully about doing that, as the year after when ill be at uni and receiving maintenance loans, they’ll be taken of UC pound for pound, whereas they’re disregarded for tax credits. So it’s better to stay on tax credits.
I am under CMHT so I can’t access CBT through my GP.
and I haven’t heard about free work coaching? I am seeing this work coach for 3 sessions, through a charity.
College know I have asd and adhd as I ticked the boxes when I enrolled, and my tutor knows. But I don’t know about any support, I don’t even know if there is any.

Carers allowance can still be paid I’m pretty sure as long as the hours still work out eg evening/ night time/ weekend.

therell be someone at college that cab advice you.

Also there are educational trusts and charities that ca give additional funds to certain people.

I can see you have checked with cab. Rules are different for college course and uni course. You should be able to retain some benefits during your access course then once you’re at uni it will change again

There will be support at college incl welfare, counselling, mental health and additional support. As you’ve tucked the boa this should trigger a referral. If it doesn’t then you can go ask to be referred.

When you apply for the university course, make sure you talk to their disability team and apply for Disabled Students Allowance (DSA):

www.gov.uk/disabled-students-allowance-dsa

The type of support and how much you get depends on your individual needs - not your household income.

You do not need to pay back DSA.

2022 to 2023 academic year
Undergraduate and postgraduate students can get up to £25,575 a year for support.

I would really recommend contacting the college to see what support is available. Are you currently on any meds for adhd?

What sort of job opportunities are there locally for someone with this degree? Is the job compatible with YOUR asd and adhd?

I’ve you thought about open university, it’s never classed as full time so doesn’t affect benefits the same way as a brick uni. I’m surprised CAB didn’t tell you this, I’m actually curious what CAB you went to as this is in the training

Sorry.. access course won’t be classed as full time by college.for benefit purposes.

Check if you can get some further help as PP mentions.
I knew a mum who was on benefits with two daughters and she got financial help to get her qualifications, so the family did not struggle during those years.
You do have skills. You have raised 3 children. That takes a lot of organisation, for school, meals, bed, baths, doctor appointments.
I would think that you are not the same person you were years back and you have found your drive.

The best example you can set for your children is to get your qualification and a job in the subject. Soon they are going to face the same situation you faced in secondary. You want to show them that they can push through those teen years and succeed.
I think you should go for it OP.
If finances are too much, go for a job. You do have skills. Bringing children up is a big commitment and does provide help.
Yoy could use savings from your job to pay for your education.
Best luck to you!

I dont know if this will work out for you no one does. But it sounds to me like you really want to try and if you dont try you will be eaten up by what if thoughts. Your life doesnt sound lacking in purpose it sounds like you have done an amazing job raising your children but now you want more. There may be difficult times along the way but that's when you need to access all the help you can at the college. Best of luck.

Op, I'm bipolar and was sexually exploited/groomed/raised as a teen. I ended up having two babies to a vile man. I'd destroyed my schooling by walking out at 15 despite being a very high achiever. Two babies and at age 21 I enrolled on a access course through my local university and got in. Dropped out in my 2nd year. Got married to a wonderful man, 2 more kids and then I had a break down at 29-30 and got the BPD diagnosis ( is always known I was different, likely had ASD too).

I'm now 44. I got my degree at 39 through the open uni. Took me 12 years chipping away with the OU doing small modules, adapting them around illness and family but i graduated with a 2:2. The following year I went back to my original university and did a part time MA and got a 2:1.

It is perfectly achievable for you to study and have a degree within 4-6 part time AND retain the majority of your benefits. I retained my carers allowance as my course was under 21 hours of study a week. I lost NOTHING of my income support or tax credits as I didn't receive maintenance grants for my under graduate ( did for my masters and they removed some benefit, as I was still getting a token IS payment I also got Hb,) .

I would urge you to look at your over all financial situation and compare doing a traditional access course and what you would lose financially, and looking at the open university ( they do an access course that is free ) but you can also enrol straight into a 1st year of a degree . No qualifications needed. I had time management issues etc and found the OU to be waaaaay better sorted towards me and more helpful in managing my time. The student portal and forums are brilliant, it lays everything out for you in a weekly "to do" list and you can get extra tutor support and even DSA to help with costs for printers, computers, travel to lectures etc.

Are you on any meds?

What is the course and format? i.e. is it lecture based, self-study, practical, heavily text book based, video/audio learning etc?

Just to explain a bit more, if you are looking at doing an access course and degree full time, that would be 4 years minimum and cost you ask your benefits.

Going straight into a OU degree part time will take you 4 years and you can RETAIN all your benefits but have the freedom to opt to do the benefits when the UC change comes in 23/24 and with a letter from your GP you could apply for maintenance grants at the OU. Or you could apply to go to swap over a bricks and mortar university .

Do not let Panic about being out of study for a long time affect your choices. The OU year 1 courses are not at all intimidating and your marks for the first year do not count towards degree classification on any course ( at any university I know of) you just need to pass. The first year is simply teaching you to format, time manage and what the tutors expect. They really are brilliant.

May I ask, re. The apathy and procrastination, have you ever tried anti depressants? I have had a very similar time to you, also inattentive adhd, at the start of my life. I've found now, anti depressants have made me so so much better in this respect. Inner calm and contentment for the first time ever. It also provides that buffer for things going wrong, I'm better equipped to deal with it.
Anyway re. The rest of your post, I think, making yourself happy and giving yourself more of a reason to be, will be inspiring to your children which is more of a gift than anything you could buy them. I also don't think endless qualifications is the way forward. Find a career that will let you work and train at the same time and which has room for progression. Being a graduate doesn't really make you that much more employable, it's work experience that does.

Do you take meds for your ADHD?

I'm asking as I was just diagnosed at 39 and ADHD meds have changed my life

I would actually strongly not recommend the OU from personal experience, the support you get is nowhere near what you get from a good brick uni, I've had a huge number of problems with them eg. Impossible to get hold of a disability adviser as they don't offer appointments and they repeatedly told me my course qualified as full time for council tax purposes, and then that it didn't, and then that it did... no-one could agree and it took months and a formal complaint to resolve. They also don't offer anything in terms of student advice or mental wellbeing support and there is minimal contact from tutors or other students so you don't develop the communication skills you should also get from a university course. Its now not much cheaper either. If you haven't worked and are low in confidence then going to university is a good first step towards employment, and you don't necessarily have to take the full degree if you don't want to, if your circumstances change you can usually exit at the end of any year with a qualification.