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He said I'm abusive...am I?

73 replies

redwhiteandbluee · 23/07/2022 11:19

Il try and summarise as much as possible.
I've always thought I'm a nice person,i have a good heart.
I met a guy through mutual friends.
Instantly we clicked and we spoke all day every day.
He told me at the time "I send women crazy" obviously I just took it as a joke at the time.
He told me all his ex girlfriends have hit him and he was worried he would find another "unstable woman".
We started dating and all was great,we weren't "official " but he called me his GF.
Then he started messing with my head.
Talking to other women.
Then sleeping with other women and telling me about it.
We weren't official so I couldn't say anything.
I kidded myself that it was okay and eventually he would stop.
I asked him where we were going and explained I just wanted to be official-he said he was worried by me saying that as I was being a bit too intense by asking that.
Then we went away for a break and had the best time-I thought this time we were going to make a go of it.
He said things like he wanted to be official -then slept with another woman and sent me a selfie of them both.
Obviously I was upset and sent him a long text explaining he was a joke,that he was hurting me etc -then I was scared to loose him so let it drop.
This repeated itself a few times and I would always apologise for getting upset.
This went on for 8 months.
In these 8 months we spoke daily all day etc

He then told me he was looking to date -and asked if I had any single friends.
He said he wouldn't date me as I get "too emotional " he said "I've been putting up with abuse from you for months and just been the bigger person and let it slide"
I tried explaining how he was treating me was the reason I was sending the long texts and getting upset.

He told me I should try learn from this so I don't abuse another man.
I'm not abusive- he broke my heart
I'm not abusive am I ?
There's so much more he did -but I would be here for days

OP posts:
BMW6 · 23/07/2022 12:47

Ever seen a cat tormenting a mouse? That's what he was doing to you. Because he wanted to.

Don't waste another second thinking about him. You've got away at last.

Don't ever, ever, let someone do that to you again.

RedToothBrush · 23/07/2022 12:52

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender". It refers to a reaction [that alleged] perpetrators of wrongdoing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behaviour. Some researchers and advocates have indicated that it can be as a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers. An abuser (or alleged abuser) denies the abuse ever took place, attacks the person that alleged abuse (often the victim) for attempting to hold the abuser (or alleged abuser) accountable for their actions, and claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing what may be a reality of victim and offender. It often involves not just "playing the victim" but also victim blaming.

He is a abusive man with a history of 'sending women crazy'. He has told you who he is.

Herejustforthisone · 23/07/2022 12:53

He’s a cunt. An abusive cunt. Sending you selfies of him with a women he’d just slept with?

He’s a narcissistic prick who got off on knowing he had all the power. He’ll never be happy and he’ll always wind up alone. Fuck him.

NoNoNoooo · 23/07/2022 13:06

You are not abusive but I do think you need to give your head a wobble for ever pinning any hope on this man. He obviously has commitment issues and is actually emotionally abusive himself (telling you about sleeping with other women, sending pics etc).

You really need to work on yourself because ultimately you allowed this situation to continue.

itsgettingweird · 23/07/2022 13:11

Woooahhhhhh

You are ABSOLUTELY NOT abusive.

He's gaslighting you which is a form of emotional abuse.

Tell him you are finishing the relationship because you deserve better than someone like him.

Send this by text and then block so he cannot respond.

Have the last word and walk away knowing you are a better person than he'll ever be.

TheWeeDonkey · 23/07/2022 13:21

I counted 8 red flags in your OP. Then a further 3 in your following posts. Anyone see any more?

OP, you need to stay away from him. He is not a healthy man for you to be around, a lot of abusers are like this. Carefully and methodically picking apart your self confidence and security so that you end up looking like a raging psycho while they calmy shrug their shoulders at their "crazy ex girlfriend "

Heatstrokeunsteady · 23/07/2022 13:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Heatstrokeunsteady · 23/07/2022 13:50

TheWeeDonkey · 23/07/2022 13:21

I counted 8 red flags in your OP. Then a further 3 in your following posts. Anyone see any more?

OP, you need to stay away from him. He is not a healthy man for you to be around, a lot of abusers are like this. Carefully and methodically picking apart your self confidence and security so that you end up looking like a raging psycho while they calmy shrug their shoulders at their "crazy ex girlfriend "

Agree. All you can do with this type of man is walk away. There is no reasoning with them

redwhiteandbluee · 23/07/2022 13:55

@Heatstrokeunsteady basically I said
I can't keep going on like this
Why am I not enough? Obviously sleeping with anything is what you enjoy but you are making me feel so worthless.
What did I do wrong? Can you just tell me why you have began to treat me so nasty
I'm sorry if I've did something wrong etc etc

OP posts:
redwhiteandbluee · 23/07/2022 13:56

He told me his ex girlfriend got married to make him jealous.
He started seeing someone straight after our final argument -
I met someone else and now he is engaged to her.
How ironic it's like the final insult
Put me through all that -then change and get engaged

OP posts:
howdoesatoastermaketoast · 23/07/2022 14:23

Once I sat for three hours with my aunties husband whilst he complained about how hard done to he was and what a lousy wife she was this carried on until he got to the how much his hands hurt (from punching her) when my Mum finally shut him down.

My aunt was in the hospital from the beating at the time...

All abusive men have an extensive and persuasive tale of how hard done to they are and how it was all her (your) fault.

merryhouse · 23/07/2022 14:33

He said you should learn from this, and in that one instance he is absolutely right.

He told me at the time "I send women crazy" obviously I just took it as a joke at the time.

You should have walked away then.

He told me all his ex girlfriends have hit him and he was worried he would find another "unstable woman".

You should have walked away then.

Then sleeping with other women and telling me about it.
We weren't official so I couldn't say anything.

You should have walked away then.

I asked him where we were going and explained I just wanted to be official-he said he was worried by me saying that as I was being a bit too intense by asking that.

You should have walked away then.

-then slept with another woman and sent me a selfie of them both.

You should have walked away then.

Why do you allow a man to treat you like this? Have a really good think about that.

And nobody give me all that Modern Dating bullshit about not being official - someone who's genuinely looking for a long-term relationship will happily be official the moment they stop texting six different people at the same time.

Don't waste any more years on men like this. If you've spent a month speaking all day every day then either he's prepared to give a Relationship a go or it's a non-starter. Take control.

Heatstrokeunsteady · 23/07/2022 14:36

redwhiteandbluee · 23/07/2022 13:55

@Heatstrokeunsteady basically I said
I can't keep going on like this
Why am I not enough? Obviously sleeping with anything is what you enjoy but you are making me feel so worthless.
What did I do wrong? Can you just tell me why you have began to treat me so nasty
I'm sorry if I've did something wrong etc etc

Ok so you sounded hurt and upset. That is not being abusive. Abuse would be swearing, threatening or putting him down. The but about sleeping with anyone could be considered to be putting him down- but it’s factually accurate! So not really wrong.

redwhiteandbluee · 23/07/2022 14:50

He just wound me up so much I did snap.
I probably shouldn't of send such long messages but I wanted him to know he was hurting me-obviously he knew he just didn't card

OP posts:
ehb102 · 23/07/2022 14:53

I saw the title and went "Ohhhh, red flag time."
Then you reported he said "I send women crazy" and that was enough for me to jump straight to LTB.

P.S. It's not you. It's him. Run away.

MissyCooperismyShero · 23/07/2022 15:51

Honestly this sort of post makes me really angry and not with him . He had his boundaries and his shocking behaviour got him everything he wanted. You had no boundaries and got nothing you wanted and still persued him. Ask yourself why you did that, over a long period of time. And never ever do it again. It's your main job to look after yourself. If someone isn't enhancing your life, then its really easy. No begging, no negotiation, no drama, no conversation - just dump. Each and every time.

MissyCooperismyShero · 23/07/2022 15:58

redwhiteandbluee · 23/07/2022 14:50

He just wound me up so much I did snap.
I probably shouldn't of send such long messages but I wanted him to know he was hurting me-obviously he knew he just didn't card

And don't tell these wankers they are hurting you! That's drama. He hurt you. Your response is ' Hi date, thanks for the good times (if there were any) but this isn't working out for me anymore, so I'm going to stop seeing you, all the best'

redwhiteandbluee · 23/07/2022 16:03

I said to him before I blocked him
I'm sure he will end up sad and alone because that's all you deserve -he proved me wrong
Saying that I bet my life he hasn't changed
People like him don't do they

Oh I know I should have told him where to go-I let it drag on
That was my silly fault
Il never be stupid like that again

OP posts:
whenwillthemadnessend · 23/07/2022 16:46

He is most definitely the abuser but please work on your self esteem and don't date again until you can treat yourself with respect. By that I mean. Not putting up with such an awful specimen of a man

BlueSuffragette · 23/07/2022 17:09

OP no way are you abusive. He is an abuser, emotionally manipulating you. Glad you have blocked him. Just ignore him forever and move on with you life. You deserve so much more. He sounds utterly vile.

redwhiteandbluee · 23/07/2022 19:29

I honestly don't think I am abusive.
I think he twisted everything because he didn't want to take any responsibility for all of the nasty things he did to me.

OP posts:
honkeytonkwoman38 · 23/07/2022 20:51

Why do women put up with this? Of course this relationship is not ok and you need to get out before you lose any sense of identity.

redwhiteandbluee · 24/07/2022 11:11

We haven't spoke in ages and I am seeing someone new.
I'm ashamed with what I put up with for so long
I let him treat me like crap and still chased him

OP posts:
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