I’m still stuck! How do you move forward/ unstick?

[Mooboo3]

Every day I…get anxious and guilty because 14 yr old son is bored and on computer again. I don’t know what to do with him to interest him in stuff. We live in small village, bugger all to do, I know a few people but have nothing to talk about.
Dh working hard, I’m guilty and anxious and looking for work.
im so anxious it’s ridiculous. Long summer holidays to fill. What do I do with boy? What do I do now dd is going to leave home soon. What do I do for a job, for me? I feel life is unraveling fast and I don’t know how to plan or cope or what to do. I’ve been stuck for years and whatever I try still seem to stay stuck.
i follow a stupid pattern..housework..look for jobs, feel useless get depressed..think I may as well sell my own designs, think they’re crap, get overwhelmed feel useless…look for jobs..etc etc etc. HOW do I get unstuck?!

would it be better to take a £10 an hour job as a carer or in a shop that won’t lead anywhere and ‘won’t benefit the family’ as Dh says. I thought I’d be better doing course to UpSkill, look for work, trying to tart up my Etsy shop, do the diy that needs doing ( saving £20 ph plus) …I try this but then feel useless, get nowhere and feel I’d better find work and there’s nothing I can do and I just go round and round, get exhausted and depressed and get nowhere. Please help me unstick!

Actually I’m so anxious now about everything. I find it hard to do anything like find an electrician or even buy paint. I didn’t used to be like this. It’s like since being seriously I’ll ( now recovered) I’ve lost confidence. I find it a bit then it plummets again and I spend days feeling useless and not knowing where to put my focus.
sorru to ramble on!

You don't say how old you are but guessing probably late 30s? When I was in my thirties I decided to do further education, and spent the next 3 years studying for a degree. Do your research and choose something that you're really interested in. Maybe that's your way out of a terminal rut? I don't know about D's though. Maybe you should take him out on day trips? Coach trips are good.

You just need a job, ANY job, once that you are out, interacting with other people and more comfortable in your own skin, you will be in a better position to decide where do you want life to take you.

Personally, I wouldn’t waste time starting an Etsy business on its own as it will cost you money and won’t bring back much to start with (as a second income yes as and only one…. Not until you have consistent sales).

Ps. My first job after a long time as a SAHM was in administration, picking up the phone and sticking labels in envelopes. Now I am a senior administrator, I earn several times more the initial salary and I find it as creative and rewarding as my previous senior career in the creative arts.

I also had a stint as a cleaner when I was made redundant, I am now perfectly able to manage AirBnBs on behalf of the owners, I am saving to get my own but to let property.

Every experience teaches you something, about the work and about yourself. Don’t waste them thinking you are too good for them.

I agree with @GetThatHelmetOn. I think that getting a job, any job, is the best way out of this rut and lack of confidence. You'll start feeling better about yourself when you realise that you can do a job well. Then you can start thinking about the future.

Re DS, can you plan a few days out to get him off screens at least some of the time? Cinema, water park, theatre, theme park, climbing wall, learning to windsurf? Can he meet up with friends?

You mention your husband doesn't think a job would benefit the family... Is he the cause of your low confidence and self esteem?

Thanks everyone. I’d love a job sticking labels on envelopes!
dh doesn’t seem to get that I’m not going to walk back into my career.
I’ll get the next thing that I can find, I don’t think I’m above the job, rather no one wants me. There seem to be a lot of carer jobs but I’m not sure I could handle that. I’ll suck it up. I think you are right, I’m rudderless. I just need something.
ds doesn’t want to do anything, hates boats, beaches, swimming,football..I’m at a loss! He does like rubies cubes if that helps!

Firstly you need to sort your mental health out, for you and for your family.
Then you get a job, any job you want and can get, to get used to working again and a reference.

I'm in a situation that has some similarities to yours. I think first step is tackle the anxiety, then get any job. This is my plan anyway! I've just started doing cbt (via gp/local iapt service). It's online (with occasional human check ins). I was quite disparaging about it at first but the waiting list wasn't too long (2 months from initial referral) and I think it's at least a good starting point. Good luck.

Really try and spend some time each day with your DS doing something 'fun'. What does he enjoy? Is it just gaming? It doesn't have to be a day out or for hours and hours. It could be cooking/ baking, a twilight walk, playing cards, boardgame, get him to teach you how to do a Rubik's cube, time him doing his Rubik's cube. Go out for an ice cream with him or lunch or cinema. Even washing the car together on a warm day can be fun if you have a bit of a water fight.

Get a job, because at the moment you have time and probably too much of it. That can really demotivate you. You end up stretching out jobs that should be short and you end up thinking and thinking. Get something and then carry on looking. What did you do before as a career? I think you need small steps to rebuild your confidence.

So much anxiety must be exhausting. I can't help with advice on the job front but please have a look at this video which will help you to understand and cope with your feelings;

Yes Bertiebotts, maybe. It’s since reading mn that I’ve realised he did the classic of being at work so needed to rest at weekends while I did kids all the time. I worked in an area that you have to be super confident in, and I lost the plot. Relocating didn’t help as I lost my support network, and couldn’t handle seeing baby for half an hour plus stress of getting to nursery in time when everyone else was still in meetings. Only just dawned on me that Dh could have been doing that! I liked work, but the pressure off the mums to sah. Was immense and I was hormonal and mad. Actually went a bit mad I think.
he doesn’t like his job and has been through some tough times. I feel like I’ve got him and me through that, or hopefully got the kids through that, and now I’m running on empty. I’ve got no direction and am going round and round. I’d say I’ve been miserable and struggling since the kids were born. They are now 14. Not a great achievement!

Sorry was wittering on while you’ve posted super tips. I’ll watch the video. Thank you!

Oh OP, you will get unstuck but I hear you! It can be so hard to break the cycle can't it.
A job will help get you out and give you some structure and purpose. It's hard to motivate yourself on long empty days, I've been there myself, complete with game playing, not going anywhere, teenager.
My tactic was to ask them to do something with me, that was short and sweet. A short walk in the woods, half an hour helping me prepare dinner and despite the protestations, this would sometimes lead to them spending longer or admitting, often begrudgingly, that they did enjoy it. I'd sometimes invent tasks for them to help me with "DS, can you give me a hand changing the duvet cover" which could then lead to a pillow fight and a few minutes of silliness. He could then go back to his games with me knowing I'd done something.

I would always ask him 'when you're at a suitable time in your game, ideally in the next 15 minutes, can you...' to give some control to him.

Maybe have a browse of Indeed for jobs in your area to give you an idea of what's about.

You've got this OP. And if it's any consolation, my games mad 14 year old, who lived, breathed and spent every bit of pocket money on his games, is now an 18 year old who now doesn't touch his Xbox for months on end.

Let us know how you get on 👍

Hi OP, I just wanted to say that I hear you. I know it's no consolation but please don't think you're alone, because there's lots of us.

I have a similar situation regarding anxiety and work, however it's due to having DC with additional needs.

I wish I could advise on the best way forward, but, like you, I'm just trying to stay afloat myself at the minute and get myself into a better frame of mind.

“dh doesn’t seem to get that I’m not going to walk back into my career.

I’ll get the next thing that I can find, I don’t think I’m above the job, rather no one wants me.”

That was my exH 100%, how is a wife of
mine (insert 6 figure job) be working in retail with that career background??? I left it for so long that not even retail wanted me.

The thing is that if you are well qualified and want to go back to your career, you won’t be able to due to lack of recent experience, but if you want to start again, you won’t be considered for more junior jobs because you are over qualified. I was able to break the cycle by using a professional career coach, who helped me to advertise my skill in a way that they were more employers happy to consider me.

As for your DH expecting you just to go back to your previous career and saying it may be better to stay at home than do certain jobs, just ignore him and find whatever job you can that can get you back into the rhythm of it because believe me, if you split, the moment that he realises that he needs to give you a higher percentage of the house because of your lack of income…. He is going to start claiming that you don’t work, despite your qualifications, because you don’t want to.

^^

Thank you everyone. I’m sorry for everyone feeling similar, especially with a child with additional needs onemorehobnob that sounds tough.
getthathelmeton thankyou, I think you’ve nailed it. I get the interviews then am just obviously not up to speed with current office practices.
live watched the video, thanks for that! Very refreshing point of view. I’ll watch it again when I’m not busy ( cleaning again!) you are right, I think it gets draggged out then I procrastinate cos it’s soooooo dull and endless.
the etsDy shop was a way of teaching myself some skills. Ironically it seems to impress employers, not enough to employ me though!
there is a carer job and a job in aldis advertised today. I’ll apply for them and just be prepared to argue with Dh. I think knowing Dh will disapprove may be keeping me stuck from applying for ‘simple’ jobs and having too much but not enough experience is also causing problems.
ill look for a career coach, it might be worth the investment.
basically need a ‘ proper’ job asap. Thanks for the divorce tip!

Have you thought about

Volunteering
Agency/temporary work
Joining some local groups in your area
Doing something different to your normal routine

Does your child belong to any clubs

How about Swimming, cycling, library, visit local attractions ?

What does your immediate or local area offer ?

Thanks glaucus you’ve made me realise I get very isolated which leads to more feelings of being stupi, unlikeable etc. I will make an effort to join a class.

child refuses to join any clubs! Tried to get him to wash car as pp said, I fancy a water fight! Will Google stuff more, I think a night in a youth hostel might do us some good, or a camp, if I can persuede him - and Dh!

thanks all, I no longer feel quite so desperate and alone.
also that video is great eyesopen thanks, it should be compulsorily viewing!
have spent today ignoring cleaning more or less, and family and doing what I want ( sort of. ) so feel better. I SO need something to change. I just feel like I’ve been pushing rocks uphill for ever, getting a bit tired now, could do with a different hill!

Dh back home and I can feel myself getting smaller. I did some diy this weekend. Mates said, great! Dh says, ‘yeah’ in off hand way. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to. Just feel what I do is crap. If only I did x.

Mates said great!
H says 'yeah'.
Do mates have an agenda or an ulterior motive to build you up? Probably not.
Does H have an agenda to keep you in your place???

Thanks eysopen I don’t know why Dh would want to keep me in my place. I Sometimes wonder if I just do stuff wrong, but I think that’s him being frustrated because I’m not moving forwards. It’s so complicated.sometimes I’ve felt exhausted because I feel it’s all up to me, tho he works really hard, thetas ‘all’ he does. Yesterday I got fed up with him being incapable of booking x, and washing y. I said,’ if your mate was here you’d probably know how to do this ‘ he grunted. But it’s true, why does he act like a toddler around me? It’s exhausting, then he’s surprised when I have no energy for anything else. It’s so unbalanced. I so need work.

Would you consider studying in the meantime? Masses of courses on Udemy or the Centre of Excellence for either fun, skills or retraining.

Yes! Am doing stuff on LinkedIn and coursera and digital garage of course doing it consistently is the challenge!

1. take any job
2. get Your son doing some cool free online courses eg video making or editing
3. go for a long walk in nature each day
4. see if you can volunteer anywhere
5. see you f your son wants to go for walks
6. check out local activities for teens and motivate, bribe or encourage him to go to them
7. try some crafts, pencils and paper cost £2, you can get creative from things you find
8. see if your son could offer a service such as lawn mowing to earn money

I think you are intelligent, bored, unmotivated and directionless and you are telling yourself off for the above. Don’t get angry, get busy! It sounds like your son is the same.