upset by letter from school

[elliejjtiny]

I know it's not the school's fault and it's a generic letter sent out to everyone in ds's class but this letter has made me surprisingly emotional.

Youngest DS is going into year 4 so we got the usual letter of "your child is now old enough to walk home on their own, sign here if you give permission or tick the box to say you will carry on collecting them from school". DS is autistic. We have special permission to park in the staff car park when we pick up and drop off because he is not safe near roads, even with an adult. I normally try and ignore what other children his age can do that he can't but this one has hit me like a ton of bricks for some reason. Can't quite believe that he is so far behind his peers that they can walk home on their own and he can't walk a couple of streets from school to the car with an adult.

Awww how annoying and upsetting. Imagine assuming EVERY child can walk home on their own from school when they're 8! Of course they're not a toddler in year 4, but some children are simply not ready. Some are ready at 6 or 7, some are not ready til 10 or 11. Some 12 or 13. So what?!

Our kids were about your lad's age some 18-20 years ago, and no way would me and DH have let our kids walk home from school at 8. The school was 15 minutes walk, and a combination of 2 busy main roads, and a lonely pathway. We took them until they were 11, (apart when they walked with 3 or 4 mates which was maybe 40% of the time after they were 8.)

Explain to the school that there is no WAY your child is walking alone. Not until you and HE are ready. Bloody cheek honestly. Sorry you have been made to feel shitty. Please don't feel like blue... We're all on your side ... Give your lad a hug from me.

Don't feel blue, not don't feel LIKE blue!!!

@elliejjtiny

(((HUG)))

of course it's NOT silly that this has upset you x. It's often the unexpected little things that knock us for 6.

if it's any help to make DS sound less behind his peers, most Y4 wouldn't be able to walk home alone & plenty even if it was just next door. I'm not playing down DS's additional needs.

last year I had a life changing accident & have had to adapt a lot. I have found ways around a lot of things, but I'm still realising there's so much I'll never be able to do again, from the big stuff [to me] (kayak/cycle) to the absolute mundane (reinstall radiators, renovate the rest of the house (that I was mid way through doing alone) ... but you know what had me curled up in a ball sobbing?? I wouldn't be able to hang washing out in the line. Yep. I can no longer travel as I used to, cycle & rough camp, I'm coming to terms with it, but sobbing at not being able to hang out washing... it's the small things!

being upset is understandable xx

"Schools need to know if they need to keep hold of the child and only release to a parent or if they are free to go. How else you suggest they gather this info other than by letter/email?"

Our school (can walk home from year 5) you have to go to the office and request a letter yourself. Seems like a waste of paper sending the letter to everyone.

Going into year 5 and never had a letter like this. It's a disgrace that they are trying to dictate your parenting. Don't know any is DSs current year walking home alone.

I understand OP. My 7 year old is developementally no different from a 18 month old and in a specialist school. Today I had my other daughter's year 6 leavers assembly and when leaving I saw the year 2s out at break time conversing with eachother and happily playing and lining up. Knowing that they are the same age as my yougest and knowing my daughter will likely NEVER have those capabilities is gutwrenching.

No, it’s not silly. You can mentally prepare yourself for the big things, but the little bastardy ones just creep up behind you and kick you in the shins.

Solidarity from another ASD mum x

Op ignore the letter. Like you say it's just generic. My children's school is 1.3 miles away and they won't be walking home even in year 6. They know how to ride bike but won't be doing that as well as its very busy road and lots of accident's have taken place so I don't think they will be doing that. Stick to what's best for your son .

That's a silly generic statement. What is "old enough to walk home alone"? It's nothing to do with age. It's to do with the child, the area, the distance, their physical ability, their mental ability, their wants, needs, preferences. There is no "old enough" to walk home alone. It's totally meaningless.

An 8 or 9 year old can easily be snatched, can easily forget themselves and get run over, etc. etc. You don't just think 'oh you're 8, all those risks have instantly disappeared and I suddenly have something better to do than pick you up from school to ensure your safety'

Absolute nonsense on all fronts.

I can understand how stuff like this hits you (I get it as an ASD mum) but as many of the others have said, year 4 is very young for this anyway. We got this letter in year 5 and although I have ticked she can leave school to walk, that is literally walk to the car up the road. I dont know any year 5s that actually walk home alone. Most still have parents in the playground and those that dont meet parents up the road.
Year 6 is when they usually start walking a bit further and even then its usually in the summer term just before high school.

It is not the school's decision - it is yours! There will be other parents who decide that they do not want their child to do this. I guess the school are just making sure they know which children they need to send off out of the gate and which need to remain.

Do what is right for you and your son - you will not be alone in this.

It’s a difficult balance to stroke for the school, if they send it out they risk upsetting people like the OP (and it’s perfectly reasonable to be upset by it£ if they don’t send it out they are at risk of more militant parents claiming my the school is actively discriminating against their SEN child.

dammed if they do dammed if they don’t situation.

personally I favour the former option as it means they have treated everyone equally (not necessarily fairly) and from a documentation/process standpoint they have ensured that they have a paper trail of requests for children walking home by themselves and those that are not, so they can ensure there are not gaps.

Sorry this upset you. I guess they could have left you out of the letter, but maybe they thought you'd be hurt if your son was left out of a letter the others got. Or maybe it was an oversight as they were busy.

I can see how this has upset you but if it helps I teach year 4 and at the beginning of the year just a few walk alone. By the the end of the year it’s about half or so. Plenty of parents still prefer to do pick ups at that age, they don’t feel their children are ready. As a pp said, the wording in the letter is somewhat off. Independence varies so much from child to child. I think what they probably meant is that as a school this is when they feel they can safely let children go by themselves without feeling personally responsible, year 3 being too young. But bear in mind that at the beginning of September the youngest year 4s are only a few weeks, sometimes just a few days older than the oldest year 3s, so the logic is somewhat flawed.

My DS is not ASD (probably ADHD & OCD but that's another story) and there is no way on God's earth he would be allowed to walk home now (end of Y5) let alone Y4. Absolutely no traffic sense whatsoever despite my best efforts. His mind is constantly elsewhere. Don't feel bad OP - whilst I haven't had your experiences all DC are different. And it's ok. They will be ok. To echo some PPs I think this is too young for a lot of them anyway these days. Things are different, kids are less independent than we possibly were for a variety of reasons. I see your post isn't really about walking home so 💐, it's hard.

By asking? As opposed to advising.

Well fwiw I think it’s an odd policy and an odd letter and the school could be letting themselves in for all sorts of potential problems if the default is to just let 8 year olds bugger off on their own after school, but maybe that’s just me.

I think you have it backwards, they are asking parents to inform then which ones will be walking home, as the default will be to keep them at school until a guardian arrives unless otherwise authorised

Well to me, the way OP phrased it “your child is now old enough to walk home alone” sounds like that’s what they are saying is the default.

You might want to go back to school and check your reading comprehension.

read the whole sentence

your child is now old enough to walk home on their own, sign here if you give permission or tick the box to say you will carry on collecting them from school".

sign here if you give permission means that they are asking for parent consent, therefor the default will be waiting for a parent or guardian to collect

It’s very hard, my DD11 has global developmental delay and like you it’s the little things that catch me out. Knowing she can’t yet tell the time or tie her shoelaces, can’t be left for any amount of time at home alone.

I’ve accepted I’ll need to completely change my working arrangements when she goes to high school next year because there will be no appropriate childcare for her, and I’ve accepted academically her progress is very slow and have accepted the uncertainty that brings for her future but finding shoes she can fasten, or giving her a visual timetable are little reminders that she isn’t at the same stage as her peers.

Shes a bright, funny, loving child and most of the time I can almost forget that she has such complex needs, because supporting her is just part of life, but it’s the small things that catch you out.

OP I’m sorry that this has been upsetting for and I understand that it’s hard when our children’s difficulties are brought to our attention.
But OMG the drama on this thread about the school!
Its perfectly normal for year 4 kids to walk home alone around here. It’s not appropriate for all and in other places my not be allowed til they’re year 6 but it’s perfectly reasonable for school to offer it as an option and ask for parental permission.
The yr4s round us have to get a bus independently to school…
if you don’t want it for your child then fine, but it’s also ok for others to do so and perfectly fine for schools to ask if you want them to!

Can't quite believe that he is so far behind his peers that they can walk home on their own and he can't walk a couple of streets from school to the car with an adult.

@elliejjtiny This isn't true of all children going into Y4 and I would seriously question the wisdom in sending such a letter in the first place.

But with regard to your son - it is pointless comparing him to his peers at this stage. That way madness lies. Instead focus on what he can do now that he couldn't do last year or the year before. He will be making progress in his own way and at his own pace, and he will continue to do so.

My son didn't walk home from school either. For a long time I had to hold his hand whenever we were near traffic to keep him safe. It was a long time before he ever went anywhere on his own, but he did do eventually.

When he was 16 I couldn't imagine him ever getting on a bus by himself, but two years later, after a lot of training and support, he was able to get the bus back from college.

He is 27 now and regularly goes out by himself in the local area and further afield.

He got there in the end so hopefully, your son will do too.

That's really badly worded imo. In our school they won't let them go without a parent until yr5 and even then, it's very much, give permission if you want them to walk home, not "it's time".

That's really badly worded. Our school don't allow until year 5 (and that only changed from year 6 in 2020 because they didn't want so many parents on the playground) and the letter said something along the lines of "children in year 5 and 6 are permitted to walk home alone. Please email the office to give permission otherwise your child will only be released to those adults authorised to pick up".
Somewhere between a third and half of his year 5 class walk. We're in London so generally all live pretty close but there are busy roads which is why I don't let DS.