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Don't want to work anymore

45 replies

NegativeNelly · 19/07/2022 13:57

Does anyone else no longer enjoy their job? We are planning to start a family in a few months time and I am in the very fortunate position that I have choices as to whether I return to work or be a sahm. My boss has told me in the past that they couldn't see me doing my job part time even though there two other managers that do my role so there is cover. And said that if I was to return I'd need to either do full time or do a different job in the department but this would be me going backwards.
It's giving me a lot of thought and I'm trying to weigh up if I actually like the job and it's worth me returning or not. I know being a parent is a very difficult job and one that has no breaks. But I just love being home and looking after my family. I guess my question is to the people who were working before they became sahm , did you have this feeling right up to when you were trying or did being a sahm just fall onto you unplanned? Are you glad you did this?

OP posts:
hairymuffet · 19/07/2022 15:47

Never rely on your husband/ partner to be the 'provider ' is my advice

JamMakingWannaBe · 19/07/2022 15:50

How do you know you "love being home and looking after my family" when you are not yet pregnant?

I was ready to go back P/T at the end of my maternity leave for my mental health if nothing else.

sunnyside238 · 19/07/2022 15:51

See how you feel after you've actually had the baby

Looking after a toddler all day everyday is not all sunshine and rainbows

Although I do love being with my LB I think we are ready now for him to have some days at nursery whilst I work. He's more ready than me I think

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/07/2022 15:52

How do you know you "love being home and looking after my family" when you are not yet pregnant?

This. You're just facilitating a bloke (or women, who knows) at the moment. Very different to being a SAHM.

Don't give all your power to anyone.

carefullycourageous · 19/07/2022 15:53

It is not a permanent binary choice. I had a period of time at home, my DH had a period of time at home, now we are both working.

Don't make a massive decision, just have a period off work if you can afford it and want to. But be thoughtful about pension and future career. There is more to life than work, but it is also pretty miserable being poor either now or in retirement.

Also - you do not have to answer your employer right now, say 'I will stay full time' and decide later on - this is good insurance in case your DH has an issue with his work in the meantime!

Tiredg · 19/07/2022 15:55

Not me but my mum.

Had me in 40s, and db. SAHM as no real choice - job and childcare didn’t add up.

My parents are still married but she wouldn’t recommend it. She is financially dependent (although better than most).

If she had her time again she would get a part time job. My mother being a SAHM damaged our relationship so much. We have healed it now but only because we live hundreds of miles apart. As a young woman growing up it made me think this was the inevitable, and I dreaded it.

Tiredg · 19/07/2022 15:58

My other view - close friend did stay at home after her child. Her DP cheated on her but she was so financially trapped she just accepted it. He became abusive. She left only because when the life of her child was put at risk by that man. She is now very unwell.

Her DP was the nicest man before all this. Having a child changes things sometimes. Having a woman trapped changes things sometimes.

InDubiousBattle · 19/07/2022 15:58

I actively decided to become a SAHM when I was pregnant with my first. Slightly different for me though because I was self employed so if it didn't workout it wouldn't have been a massive jump for me to go back. I loved being a SAHM.

CantaloupeMelon · 19/07/2022 16:03

I was a SAHM when my DC were little. I enjoyed it at the time, but when I went back to work I was surprised by how happy and fulfilled I felt. It was lovely spending time with my DC but it turns out I need some intellectual stimulation too. Sorry if that sounds wanky. It's hard to word it properly.

NegativeNelly · 19/07/2022 16:24

Thank you for all the comments I really appreciate it 😊

OP posts:
Headbandheart · 19/07/2022 16:26

My advice. Do not give up your job to be full time SAHM unless you have to due to logistics, costs or special needs of your children.

life has a habit of throwing curved balls just when you think everything is going well.

I worked part time for 5 years. Planned to continue that until for 8 until youngest was in school FT. When I had 2 dc it was actually costing us for me to work while we paid for nursery for a period of about a year. But we agreed I would continue to work because it meant I had career continuity to help me seamlessly go back full time once DS were at school, it also paid a pension (which I’m glad of now as I retired at 55), and gave me the sanity of adult conversation and purpose. Do not underestimate the sheer druggary of being at home with children for a lot of the time and the soul destroying fact that all the domestic labouring you do will be undone by the following week and you have to do it all over. It would take a extremely boring and terrible job to be worse than the worse days of being an at home mum.

but here’s the most important thing…about 5 years into my grand plan of working part time till dc both at school, my ExH became seriously unwell. He had to stop working altogether for a time, then worked intermittently as he was constantly hired and fired for the next 10, then couldn’t work ever again when he got to his late 40s. I HAD to go back full time and bring income in to support us. If I hadn’t of kept my fingers in my career pie during those earlier child raising years, I’d have found it very hard to get the career I did and earn what I did to support us all. Mine was the stable career while he struggled continuously to hold onto work. It literally kept the roof over our heads.

and when we divorced (after I retired) I was even more glad that I’d had my career and earned my pension, been able to pay off mortgage so that we could both separate reasonably comfortably and amicably. We aren’t wealthy now, but at least we could each buy a house and have a comfortable pension income

there were time I hated my job. I struggled to go into work. Struggled to be motivated. Got overwhelmed by shouldering the responsibility of trying to do it all with a career and kids. But keeping my focus on the bigger picture is what matters. Sure, if your mental health is being affected, or your in a situation where you’re being bullied or harassed I’d not stay in that job. I’d wait until I got maternity leave completed and then look for something new. But I certainly wouldn’t take the risk of not having a job at all to fall back on if the shit hits the fan, and to ensure I provided for my own future security

Mol1628 · 19/07/2022 16:28

I hate being a SAHM even though I though I would like it. It’s a very difficult trap to get out of.

Worth keeping hold of your job if you can.

ToastedCrumpetwithCheese · 19/07/2022 16:32

I was a SAHM for a few years but quickly got back into work. I took a lower pay/hours role to fit better around school holidays but now the kids are older, I'm in a much better position to move jobs or seek promotion.

It is worth considering the financial independence working gives you as well as pension contributions (that really shouldn't be overlooked). I also found that as lovely as my husband is, the dynamic between us changed (for the worst) when I was a SAHM. It wasn't deliberate and my husband certainly isn't some ogre, but he felt under a lot of pressure providing the sole income and I felt under pressure to take on more and more at all hours to give him 'me' time to unwind. Something else to consider and watch for.

Plus you never know what's round the corner; divorce, ill health, death of your earning spouse. If nothing else, ensure you both have excellent life and critical illness cover.

Whadda · 19/07/2022 16:34

Are you married?

Will you have any other form of income?

HollowTalk · 19/07/2022 16:41

I wouldn't even consider it unless I was married. If I did then I would try to have a plan eg for how long, whether I could carry out training while I was off work and so on.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 19/07/2022 16:41

My dh was more than happy for me to stay at home which l did after being made redundant on mat leave .
Bit after 18 months l knew l had to do something so got a local part time job. Have progressed to another job with prospects but at work, l am constantly being told how much they appreciate me. At home, not so much! Not always about the money op

Tayegete · 19/07/2022 16:44

I’ve never loved work or particularly been ambitious but I’m so glad I stayed in work. You just don’t know how you would enjoy being at home until you are stuck at home with a little one. I’d consider another role that will enable you to be part time even if you keep your career static for a while. Having seen friends trying to get back into the job market after a long absence and others getting divorced from seemingly great guys who screwed them over financially I’d never encourage anyone to give up work.

brookstar · 19/07/2022 16:51

I really don't think this is a decision you can make until you've experienced being at home with a baby,
You also need to consider your financial future. If you do decide to give up work make sure your DH is putting money into a pension for you.

Travis1 · 19/07/2022 17:02

As someone 10 years down the line of infertility I wouldn't plan around a child or lack thereof. If you are unhappy in your job make changes now.

You also don't know that if you have a child that you will be happy to be a SAHM it's not for everyone. You may want to get back to work.

SingingInParadise · 19/07/2022 17:41

hairymuffet · 19/07/2022 15:47

Never rely on your husband/ partner to be the 'provider ' is my advice

👆👆 Nailed it!! 👆👆

I because a SAHM because I was made redundant. The issues I had with it


  • no money was ever MY money

  • i was fully dependent on DH financially (hated that)

  • it changed our relationship (back to the 1950s)

  • when I contemplated leaving it was one more things I had to manage

  • no/very low private pension Because I didn’t work

  • had to retrain to go back to work etc….


And yes, you have no idea how easy or difficult you are going to find being a SAHM. I get that some women find it easy/great/enjoyable. For me, it was hard work and much more stressful as well as less fulfilling than doing my previous job. I lost who I was to become JUST mum. Hated that.

SingingInParadise · 19/07/2022 17:44

And do NOT, under any circumstances, become a SAHM if you are not married.

User48751490 · 20/07/2022 07:38

Been at home raising a family for 15 years now. Not in any rush to get back to paid employment. Got enough going on at home without added stresses! Two DC with additional needs is more than enough to contend with, thanks.

Afterfire · 20/07/2022 07:43

I was the higher earner when I met dh but I hated working. He was happy to work so we made the decision I’d stay home. I’ve been at home for nearly 15 years now. No regrets at all. You can listen to all the doom and gloom people warning you never to rely on a man blah blah but this is my second marriage after my first went tits up and I was left with loads of financial issues and I still don’t regret being a sahm - I wouldn’t change my time at home for anything. Even if - hopefully not - dh left me tomorrow and I ended up on my arse again financially I’m still glad I had those blissful years at home (and it hasn’t all been blissful - Ds has severe autism and is quite difficult at times) but I’d still rather be at home than working!

Afterfire · 20/07/2022 07:44

I would say though - make sure you both understand and appreciate your role, it only works when you both have equal spending money and equal access to family money.

User48751490 · 20/07/2022 07:46

Afterfire · 20/07/2022 07:44

I would say though - make sure you both understand and appreciate your role, it only works when you both have equal spending money and equal access to family money.

Agree with this.

I buy whatever needs to be bought, there's no disputes over money here.

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