Don't want to work anymore

[NegativeNelly]

Does anyone else no longer enjoy their job? We are planning to start a family in a few months time and I am in the very fortunate position that I have choices as to whether I return to work or be a sahm. My boss has told me in the past that they couldn't see me doing my job part time even though there two other managers that do my role so there is cover. And said that if I was to return I'd need to either do full time or do a different job in the department but this would be me going backwards.
It's giving me a lot of thought and I'm trying to weigh up if I actually like the job and it's worth me returning or not. I know being a parent is a very difficult job and one that has no breaks. But I just love being home and looking after my family. I guess my question is to the people who were working before they became sahm , did you have this feeling right up to when you were trying or did being a sahm just fall onto you unplanned? Are you glad you did this?

Don't make the decision until you've done at least 6 months of maternity leave. I adore my children but need my independence.

I do also agree, make sure you are married too otherwise it gets complicated legally if something goes wrong with your relationship.

I fully intended to stop working when I had my first.

When that baby was 9 months old, I was feeling bored and desperate to go back to work. So I went back, 2 days a week and my parents had the baby. It was the best decision I ever made as it made me enjoy both sides of my life.

Don’t rush to make a decision OP- there aren’t just two options. There are different jobs, part time jobs, you could volunteer- you might love the baby stage and hate the toddler stage. Don’t assume anything, having kids is very different to imagining having kids. Keep your mind and options open.

I only work one day a week so I guess I'm dependant. However I've saved 25k in a secret bank account should I ever need it and my dh is a decent man I wouldn't leave us with nothing should the worst happen

However if it's your job why not look at finding a new employer who will let you work part time rather than give up altogether

Just wait and see. You're planning to start TTC soon. You might have a baby within the year, it might be 5 years. You might have a miscarriage or more. It might be a single healthy baby, it might be a single baby with additional needs, it might be multiples, it might be multiples one or more of whom have additional needs. Once you've had the baby, you might love being at home or you might feel as though you are going slightly mad with the dullness of it all (me).
Your DH may leave you. He may cheat and you decide to work it out. Either you or he might have an accident or be diagnosed with an illness.
The one thing you can control in all of this is your job. Treat it as entirely separate to TTC and your marriage. If you don't like your job, change it - whether your employer or what you actually do. Go for promotions. Ask for pay rises. Achieve what you want to achieve.
If you go on to have a baby, re-assess. There are a lot of options out there for flexible working for you and for your DH. It can also be pretty stressful so it might make sense for your family unit for one of you to give up work for a while. But be prepared for not living happily ever after.

Yes I don’t want to work anymore. But my adult D.C. have gone, the mortgage is paid off, the pension is banked and I’ve done 38 years.

continuing to work full time through 36 of those 38 years has enabled me to do the above and stop working now without any negative implications Or risk.

As soon as I became a SAHM, I changed in DH's perception.

I was suddenly responsible for all things domestic. I no longer had the same value in his eyes. I no longer had the same decision making right because it was 'his' money. I was no longer treated with the same respect or courtesy. My birthday didn't matter. Holidays were suddenly unaffordable - except his holidays with the boys.

Oddly, that carried on until I left when ds was 2. Suddenly (literally within a week) I became desirable again. Suddenly he wanted to come on holiday with me, ds and my dsis. A year later when I bought a house for me & ds, suddenly H wanted to try again. 🙄

Be careful OP. Other people's views change in the most unexpected of ways.

Definitely do not do this if you are not married.

Being at home with DC can be tough. Trying to get a job that fits around school
hours is even tougher. The parents who have school hour jobs tend to either work in a school or be those who kept working after having their DC and applied for a flexible working arrangement. As a parent of older DC, it’s when your DC are at school that they need you more. They don’t want anyone else to come to school assembly etc, it’s you. When they are pre schoolers any caring adult will do to play chasing and read books etc. Yes they love you more but someone else can fill in the gaps.

I would say to any new parent: play the long game. When your DC are older they will be more expensive. Get yourself in a position where you can pay for the stuff you want them to have and where you have some flexibility to go to their special events. Don’t take lots of time off and then end up in a job you are only doing because it fits around school. If you keep working and prove yourself to your boss you are more likely to be able to have a career and a great family life.

And yes, I want to stop work, but I'm 59, I've had a job of some kind since I was 13. I've done enough.

But I also have my 35 years NI plus a private pension. I (almost) own my home. Ds will be grown and gone in a couple of years. I can do so in my own right.

Also don't underestimate how much your own view of yourself may change. Feeling like you've 'lost yourself' or part of yourself after having a baby is very common, and I think may be more common if you are a SAHM as you are submerged in it all. You don't notice this for a few years IME - it creeps up on you!

Another thought, you need 35 years NI. for a state pension. How many have you already paid?

You get NI at home until your youngest child is 12. Say you have two dcs, so you can get 14 years NI.

You will need to work 21 years to qualify for a state pension. It is much easier to do it while you are young.

This is a bit of a red herring though because if someone hasn’t got enough contributions for a state pension they are still entitled to benefits due to a low income which effectively means they qualify for the same amounts and also pension credit etc.

(I’m not saying this from my own experience of this btw, I qualify for carers credits for NI as my son is disabled and we get carers allowance - another way of qualifying).

I think it's utter madness to rely on a man for your survival.

Everyone thinks their man is different and their man would never cheat/hit her/act like an arse until he does.

I think a very high proportion of men are programmed to devalue and mistreat women once they're in a vulnerable position, unfortunately.

If you stop working, you're utterly screwing yourself over financially. Even if you're married and can expect child support if you split, you're going to be out of the workforce for years, which is awful for your CV. You won't be making pension contributions, which can mean poverty in old age. You might resent your partner who is still out and about meeting new people while you're stuck at home with a kid. I would never do it.

We always planned that I'd be a SAHM and I love it. Mine are 3 and 4 now and I'm planning to retrain and go back to working in the next few months to a year.
I think when they're both in school I need to be doing something and I miss having my own money.

Get a new job asap and delay starting a family until then.

I hate it when people say they'd never ever give up work. SEN happens, mental health difficulties happen. Sometimes you actually can't do it all. But in a lot of ways it's easier to work when a nursery age child than with older ones so it is well worth setting things up to keep your options open while you still have the flexibility. It's easier to get a job FT and then drop down than to find a new PT job that fits round everything else in your life.

Firstly, if you're not married DO NOT give up your job, you would be stupid to rely on a man who hasn't legally committed to you in case of a split.

Secondly, wait till you've had a baby before making any decisions. It might not happen quickly, you have plenty of time, and you don't know how you'll feel until you're through the first bewildering, sleepless months.

I've worked in NHS since I was 15 and I'm now 27 so maybe not quite then?

I disagree , it can be 'sunshine and rainbows' , i was glad to get to work when i had my 2 older kids ,but when i had my youngest 9 years later she was the easiest child and a pleasure to be with -not so much now 😊, i would have jumped at the chance to sah but it wasn't possible.
I know its controversial but i think its a great thing to be able to run a happy home and be around for your kids, if that's what you want , if that works ,if everyone is happy .
I know it can knock you back career wise , affect financial security etc but having kids changes everything whether you like it or not and sacrifices have to be made, i don't think we can have it all but whatever you choose to do is nobody else's business, as long as you both have the same aims for your family.

I'm currently a SAHM and I'm not going to lie - I'm not enjoying it at all! I love my boys (5 and 2) but I knew I wasn't cut out for it during my first maternity leave. I was off a year and then went back 3 days which suited me fine, I then fell pregnant again but I had a late loss at 31 weeks so I was entitled to the full maternity leave so I went back after 9 months but I was already 20 weeks pregnant again by that point and then COVID hit so I was then off again another year and then finally went back and I gave my notice in after 6 months. We were relying on our mums for childcare and it was ok for our first but it wasn't working with two - especially as no2 was so young. It's been over a year now and my eldest is ready to go into year 1 and my toddler has a place at nursery two full days and one morning a week and I'm absolutely ready to go back to work. Honestly, I thought I'd be like my own mum and love being at home but I'm really not, I never thought I'd choose to work ( DH has a good job) but I need it for me - I've worked since I was 18 and I hate not having my own money, I know the family money is mine but I want to earn my own for a "rainy day" also as much as I adore my kids I'm no Mary Poppins! I'm not maternal enough to be at home full time, I feel bad saying that but it's the truth 🤷🏻‍♀️