I’m about to give my child their first phone: what do I need to know!

[ThePenIsBlue]

About to give my 11 year old his first phone. It’s an old iPhone 6, I think I’ve set it all up. I’ve set up family sharing so I can set a time for the phone to work in the morning and a time for it to switch off. Beyond that, myself and my husband are both clueless about what we need to know. Is there any way I can block certain internet sites for his phone? Are there any apps we should both get so I can see his useage from my phone? Any useful info or things you wish you’d done please pass
my way!

thank you

Hi have you set up the phone so it reflects his age? We have an iPhone for ds and made sure his account has his actual date of birth. Have you set it so he can only download apps with your permission? We have interlinked his account with mine. Some questions that I thought about - are you ready to be firm and say no? I have already veto’d tik tok. Does he understand that you have the right to look when requested if your concerned? That you will know passwords. Does he understand that you don’t believe everything you read online - had some interesting conversations there too. It’s another step of trust and I’m much more laid back now but he still has to hand it over at bedtime.

Make sure his contract is the type that just stops when he has used all his data. Insure it!

It is easier to relax rules than have to Introduce them later

1. Out of bedroom by x time in evening.
2. You reserve right to check their phone
3. No adding people they don't know in real life.
4. No sending inappropriate photos
5. ...

You not only have the right to check their phone but you should check their phone. Regularly.

No adding people you don't know in person, but emphasising that their friends knowing someone doesn't count. That's how groomers get into social circles.

No phones in bedrooms at night. Non negotiable.

If there is anything that they see that worries or upsets them, please tell them that you want to know and they won't get in trouble for telling you.

No tiktok, Instagram or social media. I'd go for no YouTube either.

i think you’ll find with it being such an old phone that it’s not supported by Apple much these days. I am sure I read the 6 and the SE will stop altogether in the autumn when an update is due out. Likely he won’t be able do much on it beyond calling and texting which is a good thing at 11.

No YouTube is great until half the things the school direct them to watch seem to be there!

Thanks all - some good tips I hadn’t thought of. I am just very nervous. Feels like I’m opening up a whole new world for them…..😭😭😭

I’d add your fingerprint id as well as knowing the passcode. You don’t have to tell him that you have.
helps when he accidentally locks himself out.

I would say no co react, just PAYG - I wouldn't insure such an old phone model either. It would cost more than it's worth!

And if they change the pass code they lose the phone.

If they get shirty about handing over the phone, the expectation is they lose the phone for x number of days.

Do not write anything you wouldn't want to be put up on the screen in a whole school assembly.

Explain how easy it is to forward to all or share to all any message, photo, meme etc

Lay all these rules out, even print them out so that they know there are conditions to having a phone. If they need (do they ever actually need) a phone you can easily swap it out for a Nokia brick, so text and phone calls only, no smart phone.

My sons are adult and almost adult. Check their phones. Ds1's had a friend contemplating suicide at 2am, luckily it was not in my son's bedroom and I saw the message at 6am. Horrific thing to wake up to.

Following this thread. I'm about to do the same.

Absolutely set tough rules now.
No changing passwords is non negotiable in our house. Surrender for checking at anytime. Not in room overnight.
No to certain apps.
Be aware of how young people use the internet. Discord etc.
You can ban and restrict to no avail so you are better off in my opinion talking about how to keep themselves safe and not be twats to others!

Internet blocker on house Wi-Fi if you don't want them to access porn. When DS went to my DM's with his iPad he was introduced to the world of pornhub as there were no restrictions 😱

We’ve disabled the internet browser on DD’s phone - she’s also 11. We allow internet but where we can keep an eye on it so at home at the moment. She also doesn’t have any social media or YouTube on it. We relented with what’s app but it is carefully monitored.
Lots of reminders that whatever you send can be sent to thousands in minutes, so if you wouldn’t be happy to read it out in class then don’t send it. Photos are monitored too.

Set up Screen Time - which you can control from your own phone as well as on theirs. It's not just about controlling the amount of time they spend on it, but also what content they have access to and what they can't.
Make sure you know what data limit they have on their contract and what happens if they exceed it - so that you're not hit with unexpected bills.
Password control and link to Family the purchase of Apps (in fact via Screen Time you can actually control whether they even see the App Store)

If you use google photos instead of the phones gallery app, you can sign into the account on your phone.
You can also set whatsapp etc to automatically download the photos that are sent to the phone.
I use it just for sharing picures with family, we have each others accounts so can just ask if we can go find a good picture of X but it makes it easier to keep track of innapropriate pictures that get sent.

Also safe search on the seaech engines. And if you want to be checking it, set the search history to not auto delete, same with the history of what he watches on you tube. I have both turned off as it saves storage but it would make it harder for you to monitor.

And its a bit overprotective but if you are concerned about swearing in music, Spotify will let you have a child account that blocks any explicit music but still lets them download clean somgs to listen to when there is no internet

Here’s a lesson to tell him, in my son’s class there was some bullying so someone added the class teacher (secretly) to the class whatapps group.

big fall out. And children caught sharing racist memes…… really bad.

we wrote all the rules up on a piece of paper and agreed them. This is the point to be strict then you can down stuff off, but can’t put it back on!
yes yes to downtime

As someone who's dd was groomed online, by someone she was chatting to on the block game that persuaded her to private chat by phone, if I had my time again I'd do things very differently.

No one likes to be an overbearing parent but for your child's safety, you have to do this. I wish I'd been stricter and not relied on trust, the bad guys can be very persuasive and rely on secrecy.

Agree to setting tough rules to check the phone - stick to them.

Don't allow apps like Snapchat that allow private unrecorded conversations.

Check at random times, that way if they're using one of the many ways to hide what they're doing they might not have time to do this.

The grooming triggered serious mental illness in my dd, she spent 8+ months in a psychiatric hospital and is only getting back on her feet now, years later. I regret not being stricter with the phone.

support.apple.com/en-gb/HT201304

This is a good guide to all the settings available to restrict the phones capability to something you’re happy with. You can even block specific apps and require your authorisation to download any new apps.

Talk to your provider and have Charge to Mobile services barred so no gaming purchases. Same with data add ons. Also turn off international and premium calling with them too

I'm holding off getting 11 yo DD a phone. In the US you can get 'dumb phones' that look like smart phones. I wish there was something similar available here.

We have a no devices upstairs rule. DD is almost 13. No pushback from her yet!

You can’t really block sites. I mean you can try but I’m sure that boys at school talk about these things and at least a few of them will know ways around stuff and tell the others. Kids get around stuff like this quite easily when they want to and curiosity is a big motivater for them.
I wouldn’t worry though, in spite of MN wisdom there is nothing on the internet that will turn your son into a monster or traumatise him, I’m sure boys that age show each other all kinds of weird and gross stuff all the time. Boys will be boys.

I would really recommend an app called Family Link. It turns of the phone at pre set times and if they are downloading app's they need my permission.

I also changed the settings on the main house internet- now, you can't even access inappropriate sites.

No insta until they were 13- it's a cesspit. Tiktok blocked. No snapchat as the pictures disappear instantly.

They were allowed whatsapp to start with. I had some very frank discussions with my teen about what is out there.

Tell him not to put it in an outside pocket on his school blazer. DD2 drowned a couple of phones walking home from school in the rain.