Just a little handhold please

[blackheartsgirl]

My mum has oesphagus cancer. This comes exactly one year after I lost dh to colon cancer. She’s having a pet scan tomorrow to see how big the tumour is (they know it’s fairly big) and if it’s spread.

im in a mess, I can’t believe it. My heads all over the place.

im holding down a full time job, looking after 2 dc (also adult dd who has asd) I’ve got a heart condition, my house is an absolute MESS and I’m just fucking heartbroken. My poor mum, she looks so frail.

i just don’t know how to hold it together.

where do I start with the house, I can’t be bothered to do anything, chasing my tale, I’m. Not organised, i chuck dinner money at the kids, I ate chocolate in work for lunch because I ran out of bread and I was too tired and forgetful to get more.

I need to sort my shit out for the kids and for my mum .

I just want to scream tbh

I’m sorry you’re going through all this OP 💐

taking care of yourself when everything’s falling apart is difficult, but try and make sure you at least eat something so you’re not pouring from a completely empty cup. Hope your mums scans reveal something optimistic

Have a chat with your GP and see about getting signed off for a couple of weeks? Sounds as though you are drowning under the pressure and it's understandable that your mum's illness has reawakened some of what you have already gone through with your DH. ((Hugs))

I’m so sorry. I lost my brother aged 51 to this cancer exactly 10 years ago. He did well with chemo, having an operation and then radiation, but sadly it came back 2 years later.

You have so much on your plate. Can you ask to be signed off work for a while? It might allow you some headspace at least.

Hey OP

You’re having a very difficult time, be kind to yourself. I wouldn’t worry about the house but equally understand how it can be stressful living in mess and not restful. If it was me I’d be tempted to take some time off work if this isn’t career limiting for you, I mean a weeks sick or longer if you feel work won’t penalise you.

Use the time to get a bit organised (online weekly shop on repeat etc.) and also have some down time for you. Goodness knows you have enough going on. Tell people, most folks are genuinely caring and want to help. Do you have access to counselling through work? You need your own outlet to manage all this whilst being strong for everyone else.

Very best wishes to you and your mum 🙏

I already had 3 months of at the beginning of the year due to a cardiac episode and it’s a new job 😭 so realistically can’t take any more time off. But my employer is understanding tbf and let’s me go home when I need to. Work does keep me busy and it’s factory work. It’s just the hours. I need ways to keep me organised and my head together

I will look into councelling, and I’m definitely going to take some time to myself.

Just thinking how to make life easier…. defo do an online repeat shop of essentials. Batch cook. Have enough uniform to not have to wash mid week, or maybe just 1 wash? Sort all the direct debits out so not needing to do admin on that. Each child packs at least 1 box of stuff they’re not using to go in the loft or charity, just to cut down on clutter? Dunno! Others probably have better suggestions.

Defo look at counselling, even if you don’t feel you need it now, don’t wait until you feel in crisis.

You forgive yourself first and foremost for having an untidy house. You know it won't always be like that.
Delegate jobs out to your children, even basic tidying jobs or give cleaning jobs to the eldest if he's able to cope. Write lists for the little things you need to do.
I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. I've lost both my parents to cancer and it's heart breaking, which is reason why you need to be kind to yourself.

So sorry to hear what you’re going through. Sending hugs xx

I’m sorry to read this. I lost my brother to this a couple of years ago. I can’t sugar coat it I’m afraid, this cancer is spectacularly evil. You should prepare yourself for what is to come. Quite often this type isn’t picked up until it’s already too late and spread, but I sincerely hope it’s different for your mum.

Depending on how occluded her oesophagus is, she’ll likely need a stent putting in at some point which will allow her to eat most types of food (but not bread or sausages, which made my brother want to eat sausage sandwiches even more!) This may be needed quite soon, a lot further down the line or not at all. Everyone is different.

At this early stage she is going to have a lot of appointments and should have someone with her for all of them. You don’t mention whether you’ve siblings or not but people around you would hopefully be able to share the load. I just about held it together by writing lists of everything that needed done, at work, at home and with my family and delegated what I could so that I could focus on my brother. I was lucky that my work were very understanding and allowed me as much time as I needed and hopefully yours will be the same.

It will be a couple of weeks until the doctors have got all the info they need to come up with your mums treatment plan. Try and book yourself a long weekend so you can deal with things at home. That will hopefully help give you a clearer mind for dealing with everything else.

Do please keep this thread updated as you go. You’ve a lot of support on MN. Most of all, be kind to yourself 💐

ive done an online shop, I’ll top up what I can’t get that I normally buy from Aldi, I can go after work on fri just to get those little bits, I don’t think I can cope trailing around with a trolley surrounded by people.
when dh died I barely ate, now I’m the opposite, my diet is appalling at the moment.
im going to stop being so hard on myself and thinking I’m failing.

I had a feeling this cancer is a nasty one, thank you for sharing your stories.

I lost my dad too 15 years ago to cancer.
I hate bastard cancer.

I have no one to share the load, it’s just me and my stepdad and he’s not in great health.

fuck

A little ray of hope OP. My dad had this about 9 years ago. The tumour was removed and he didn’t need any chemo etc. It took a while but he eats proper meals and just needs to take time after meals to digest.
I hope your mum has some good news x

Handhold and a hug from me

I've said a little prayer for you and your mum. Xx

Keep talking here OP x

Your mums specialist team will be able to point you both in the right direction help-wise. Please take as much as you can, for all of you

please Look at support from Macmillan, they may be able to help your mum or you.
🌺🌺

I am really sorry to hear your news.
If you can, please go with her to the appointment where she gets her results. The PET scan is the one which in some respects dictates what treatment path she will be on.
Between now and then, write down questions as they pop into your head. The consultation will be info heavy, and although it's important that the team give you the info they need to impart, it's equally important that you get all the info you need about diagnosis and the rationale for treatment plans.
Don't leave the appointment until you have seen a clinical nurse specialist (CNS) and dietitian. This pair are key to getting your mum all the help and support she needs. CNS can also signpost you to any support that you might be entitled to. Ask if you'll be given some written information to take away with you - it's difficult to remember everything, and if you don't understand something, ask to have it explained in a different way.
For some people receiving a diagnosis and finding out what treatment options are available can be overwhelming and they just want to get out asap. You can always have another consultation to go over things either face to face or on the phone.
Most centres will have a Macmillan information centre and some will have a Maggie's centre as well - both are excellent sources of support and information for your mum and you.
I hope there isn't too long a wait before you know the plan.
Keep us posted . Big hugs to you xx

Thank you. My stepdad will go in with her to the appointments, only one person is allowed as he’s her carer. However that’s a very good point about asking questions and I’ll ask my stepdad to write some questions down to ask.

my mum has seen the same consultant that diagnosed my dh which was like a punch in the gut and I’ve so many flashbacks to this time last year, dhs last days.

on a practical note I’ve done an online shop, washed up (kitchens still a messy but the dudes are clean) and cleared out the fridge and made a salad for lunch tomorrow

my dd1 is nearly 20 and although has asd and struggles herself does surprise me at times, she’d washed up and cleaned the kitchen, sorted out my paperwork, tidied round and hoovered all before I came in from work. She had a bit of a breakdown herself as she adored my dh (her stepdad)!and is having a year away from uni.

I'm so sorry about your mum. Can you afford to get a cleaner in to get the house dealt with in one go? Your daughter sounds like a superstar! Could you buy in things to take to work that you keep in the car e.g. a bag of apples, bottles of water, healthy snacks, so that you're not just eating chocolate? Or do you have a cupboard you can keep things in at home and pack everything up a couple of days ahead?

@HollowTalk thats a great idea about taking some stuff to keep in the car, I do have a small locker at work so I can easily keep some things in there, and some pot noodles ( not healthy I know) if I’m desperate. Some days I wake up and I’m so down I can barely get my shit together and this would save a lot of stress.

my mum is having problems keeping food down, it gets stuck but she’s found certain things don’t, she’s also anaemic too hopefully if she sees a dietician then that will help. She’s not lost any weight though nor is she in any pain.

the nurse at her gp surgery told her back in maythat her problems were just indigestion and told her to take omeprazole and to come back in a month and she was unable to see her doctor until 2 weeks ago who instantly referred her. My mum hasn’t been able to keep down her food properly for a couple of months! It kept getting stuck.

Me too.

I’m so sorry. I’m just going through this with my dh he’s just been diagnosed with colorectal cancer and we’re in bits so I totally get it. I hope everything goes well for you and your mum x

@ThelmaDinkley

im so sorry x

there are no words but I am
thinking of you and your dh.