Please help me help my ds - I am at my wits end and very scared :(. There may be triggers in this post - mh related

[NorWey]

Ds is 24 and feeling actively suicidal at the minute after 4 years of very low mood - possibly triggered by the loss of his dad in 2017, and possibly exacerbated by smoking weed (which he isn’t currently doing).

He and I think he has ADHD and/or bipolar disorder. He has never been formally diagnosed but does display a lot of associated traits. For example, extreme health anxiety (eg, he had an ache in his back recently and within a matter of hours had convinced himself he had cancer of the spine), very reactive to lack of sleep, sensitive to noise, obsessions with things (eg, foods, exercise), inability to stick with plans, easily bored/distracted, losing items daily (eg, bank cards, car keys, wallet etc), is very black and white in his opinions etc.

He recently had some blood tests done which showed that his testesterone levels are very low, and we do appreciate that this could account for many things. But I think his issues go deeper than this and am feeling desperate on his behalf.

He is very resistant to the idea of taking medication but has spent 4 years trying many other things to help him get out of this awful state, eg reading self help books, trying various supplements, exercising strenuously. His abiding passion in life has always been exercise and fitness, and he has always been extremely fit. But now he’s even saying he can’t be bothered with that and that he doesn’t have the energy or motivation.

He does seem to me to be deteriorating - he is now having severe panic attacks, has some facial tics, says he feels pressure in his heart and his head etc.

I am filled with foreboding that he will give up - he has attempted suicide in the past, and has said just today that if he wasn’t too stupid to tie a noose he would hang himself, or if he had access to firearms he would shoot himself.

He is also now saying that he can see no point in life, has no optimism, can’t be bothered to fight anymore, feels like a waste of space etc.

Although he says he doesn’t want to take medication (I have tried to tell him that his fears about this are largely ungrounded), he has agreed to “speak with someone”, but not the gp. He saw her about 3 weeks ago and she apparently told him his issues were all down to lack of sleep, he needed to leave home, and referred him to citizens advice! I tried to speak to the gp today but she said she had to speak to him. I asked her to refer me to someone but I don’t know how long this will take.

I really thought today would be the day I lost him (and the day isn’t over yet) and am so frightened for him. Please, what do I do? I don’t know where to go from here. He won’t come to A & E with me - he says he doesn’t want to be committed.

If he won't take medication or go to A&E, you're not going to be able to help him without also upsetting him. If he won't engage with avenues for help, then if I were you the next time he says he wants to kill himself and actively describes actions he might take (this is a HUGE red flag for serious attempts by the way) then you need to call 999. It may well make your relationship very difficult in the short term, but it will give you a better chance of having your son around long-term to rebuild said relationship.

I would see someone privately asap.

Thank you @MolliciousIntent for your reply. If I call 999 will they be able to help if he denies how he’s feeling?

Not sure if it's national but in my area the 111 call centre has mental health specialists who guarantee a call back within a set time and can refer on to other local services. That could work if he is happy slot speak with someone in the NHS but not the GP.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be very difficult. I really think he needs to take medication, it will make such a big difference. Could you try and persuade him to try it out for a month or so? (I'm sure easier said than done).
Thinking of you

Can you afford to get him some therapy? There are some very good therapists who specialise in young people. Would he go down that route, it sounds like he is open to that?

@NorWey I'm not sure, I think it might depend on how he presents. Do you think he actually wants to get better, OP? Do you think he wants to die, or just wants to not feel the way he does? Sounds like a bit of a fluffy delineation but it's very important

This is on the young minds charity website:

•	If you are worried that your child is at immediate risk of harm, or is not safe, call 999 or take them to A&E.
•	Some parents tell us that taking their child to A&E in this situation can feel strange. Remember that this is the right thing to do. The NHS is very clear that a mental health emergency should be taken as seriously as a physical one – and that you will not be wasting anyone’s time.
&bull;	You can also contact your <a class="break-all" href="https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-urgent-mental-health-helpline" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">local NHS urgent mental health helpline</a>e_ (England only) or 111 for 24-hour advice and support.

Thanks for all the replies and the kindness.

I don’t have much money but I’ll use every spare penny if I can help him, I just don’t know who to ask or what the quickest route is.

@MolliciousIntent I honestly don’t know the answer to that question any more. Until fairly recently I would’ve said he just wanted to be happy and living a life that you expect to be living in your 20’s. After today, I’m not so sure :(.

@Emily29 Thank you for taking the time to look that up and post it. The trouble is he’s 24 and once he gets something in his head it’s nigh on impossible to change his mind.

@solarbirdscalm thank you for that idea too. I’ll ask him if he’d speak to someone.

Aside from immediate suicidal emergency which obviously needs immediate attention, I would guess that it would make sense to get the testosterone issue sorted first before starting to take psychiatric meds. Good psychiatrists usually look to rule out physical causes or get them treated. How can you know what you're dealing with mentally until he's got normal levels of hormones? Low testosterone can make men feel awful.

You can call your local Mental Health crisis helpline for advice about the situation. I called them about my suicidal ex partner and they were really good and helped support me. My ex wouldn't speak to them so they called an ambulance for a welfare check. I found it really helped me feel less alone as it is a heavy burden feeling responsible for someone else's mental health. You can find your local mental health crisis line on this NHS link www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-urgent-mental-health-helpline

I hope you and your son find support.

I have no better advice for the short term but that sounds like autism/ADHD, rather than bi-polar; it’s a common misdiagnosis.

I felt like life was a constant struggle just to exist at his age; diagnosed autistic age 24, no longer feel that I have to mask all the time and the constant exhaustion/struggle feeling is gone. I have tired days and low mood times but I am able to enjoy life being myself.

wishing you and your son all the best

Was so sorry to read this and hear what you and your son are going through. Please hold
on to hope your son has many bright days ahead.

Do try all charity avenues, there is a lot of support out there but not well known. I know for example the charity Hestia have opened drop in support cafes depending on where you live. Grassroots is also brilliant, and of course the more known charities like CALM, Mind, Samaritans - as a worried family member you can get support in terms of advice on what might be best course of action.

take care xx

If you believe he poses an immediate harm to himself or others call 999 and ask for further advice. They may section him for 24 hours where they will carry out an assessment. This might be what's needed to kick start some serious help. I really hope things get better for you and him x

It is beyond gruelling to struggle on so long.

Tell him you understand his feeling of hopelessness and despair but you are relying on him to help himself, and to do everything he can. I hope medication will make a big difference for him and you should encourage him by saying that he's tried everything else.

I agree that neurodiversity also sounds at play here with him being forgetful, rigid, having sensory needs etc. Part of the ND umbrella also includes OCD which includes very complex thought patterns.

As hard as it is you can't push him, just walk beside him and hold his hand. Let him know that he is valued and brings joy to your life just by his presence. That you remember all the things that made him happy, funny and positive and you know in your heart that will shine through once he's dug himself out from this dark cloud.

Hi OP,

I’m sorry that he, and you are going through this.

I’m going to echo a poster above, if you haven’t considered ASD/ADHD I would take a look.

ASD can present in ways you might not expect.

Many adults are diagnosed late having coped with challenges until one day, coping with the challenges is just too hard. Diagnosis can be the key to understanding more about yourself.

A private GP appointment doesn't cost too much and you can make sure they are a GP who has an interest in MH issues. It might be possible to book something very quickly?

I really, really feel,for you and your son. I hope things get better very soon.

I'm glad he's not doing drugs ATM they really are a disaster for young people.

In addition to all the excellent immediate crisis advice above, longer what are they doing about the low testosterone? I'm wondering if it's an endocrine issue or adhd plus^^ an endocrine issue?

Hypothyroidism at that age, not found for a long time, made me extremely suicidal. I lost executive function, memory and confidence. The social aspects of seeing peers successfully manage their lives made the anxiety and depression worse. As it was endocrine, ads made no difference so I would push for all that to be looked at too. That isn't to say it wouldn't help him though.

It this point though he needs emergency support and pp have given excellent advice.

im so sorry you are in this situation. Your poor son. Mental health conditions are so challenging for all in the family.

I’m also going to say look at ASD and ADHD from what you describe. But also to add that mid 20s is - I believe - the most common time for bipolar and other Similar conditions to come on too.

I have direct experience of this within my family and some family members appear to have ASD/ADHD with another mental health condition on top which kicked in mid 20s proving to be challenging to manage.

look for local mental health charities eg a family member went to a garden project to help people with mental health challenges. This was really good for my family member as got them outside into the fresh air and building up their confidence again after an episode.

watch out for signs of neglecting themselves, any delusional or paranoid beliefs as could be psychotic episode. My family member had these and would disappear off for days on end.

from what you say I would escalate though as sounds like he is in a difficult place

Best of luck xx it is really tough xx

if you haven’t considered ASD/ADHD I would take a look

I was also thinking this when I read your post. I teach pupils with autism in a sen school but they almost all have ADD or ADHD too. Medication for the ADHD can really make a difference for a small number too, ADD as much as ADHD.

The others are taught methods of learning and organising, familiar routines, lists etc. the strategies used for Autism work v well for ADD/ADHD too. A diagnosis if appropriate might help access some useful support as well as MH support.

I really hope you manage to get some help for him soon

i think therapy is the way through with this, find the right therapist (it may not be the first one you approach, worth getting the right one). It is worth persisting with therapy for at least a few sessions as it can be a while before a breakthrough is made, and you might feel like you're getting nowhere with it.

I’m sorry that you are both going through this situation.

Diagnosis is not important at this time, getting help for the apparent mental health crisis is the priority.

Are you in the same home/house as your son? If so, and if he leaves, call the police on 999 and tell them about the suicidal thoughts, hopelessness, etc that your DS is currently experiencing, and therefore your concerns.
They can pick him up on a S136 of the Mental Health Act and convey him to a Place of Safety (or A&E depending on availability) where he will be assessed by a mental health team.

If you think you can manage until morning, call the GP surgery again and ask for appt with a different GP and describe your concerns exactly as you have here, and explain you need an urgent appt, or the GP needs to refer your DS to the mental health crisis/triage team for urgent assessment based on the risks.

You are right to be very concerned OP. As pp said, there are multiple and increasing signs of your DS losing hope; and intervention is needed.
You may have to take difficult actions/make unpopular decisions with/for your DS, but it is very clear you are doing this from a heart of love and kindness and caring, as his mother.
His mind is now clouded by depression and anxiety and he is losing ability to take rational actions to help himself, therefore your concern and actions are absolutely warranted.

If you can, maintain the level of communication which you currently have with him - he is sharing with you, which is great.
And make sure he is eating and drinking, even small amounts, as this will help him.

Keep us updated if it will help. Thinking of you.

Oh god, I can’t tell you what all your words/ advice have meant. Just to hear suggestions and things I can think about or try, or ways to help him, or places to turn have made me feel a little less despairing.

I love him (and his siblings of course) so much, and I can’t bear to think of the pain he’s in. Ive felt so inadequate dealing with this and after this thread I feel a little bit more hopeful.I can’t thank you all enough for posting.

How are you and DS today OP?