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Original poster

Is this fair?

26 replies

MrsElm · 12/07/2022 18:24

My Mum passed away last year, and I was left a not huge, but reasonable amount of money. In the region of £20k.
I have used some to pay off a car loan and bought some house hold items.
I also decided to use some of the money to completely redo my daughter's room. She is 12, and her room had not been decorated since she was 5. So all new furniture, carpet, bedding etc. It came to £2500.
I also have a son who is 23. I would like to give him the same amount in cash that I spent on his sister.
Do you think that this is fair on both of them?

OP posts:
Finfintytint · 12/07/2022 18:25

Yes

Brunilde · 12/07/2022 18:27

I wouldn't say so unless she had the choice. I know what I'd pick if my mum offered me £2500 vs some carpet and a new wardrobe etc.

ParanoidGynodroid · 12/07/2022 18:28

Did your DD choose to have her bedroom done up? Not quite the same as having money to do what you like with!

Original poster
MrsElm · 12/07/2022 18:31

Brunilde · 12/07/2022 18:27

I wouldn't say so unless she had the choice. I know what I'd pick if my mum offered me £2500 vs some carpet and a new wardrobe etc.

She wanted and needed her room done, and without the money from my Mum, I would not have been able to afford it.
So perhaps I shouldn't gift the equivalent amount to my son? His room was brought up to same standard about 5 years ago.

OP posts:
PuckeredArseFace · 12/07/2022 18:34

Sorry but I don’t think it’s fair. Nice but not fair. You wanted to decorate her room , she may have preferred the money in savings given the choice

Brunilde · 12/07/2022 18:34

Yes if his was also done a few years ago I'd split the difference between them.

It's understandable spending the money on her room but seems unfair for her brother to just get a chunk of cash to do what he likes with.

emmathedilemma · 12/07/2022 18:35

Seems fair but I’d maybe make him put it towards something practical or into savings for the future.

PuckeredArseFace · 12/07/2022 18:35

X post with you @MrsElm

Original poster
MrsElm · 12/07/2022 18:41

ParanoidGynodroid · 12/07/2022 18:28

Did your DD choose to have her bedroom done up? Not quite the same as having money to do what you like with!

She definitely wanted it done! And it was not an option to give her cash instead.
Her room needed doing, and she had been promised it for quite some time, but didn't get round to it, mainly because of time I needed to spend with my Mum as her health declined. So once I realised that I would have funds available, I told her we would get it done with that money. She had a big input into the furniture and design.
She was, and is delighted with her room, and it is now suitable to see her through her teenage years.
The idea to give the equivalent to my son came after, as I didn't want him left out, and to have something from his Grandma.

OP posts:
BasiliskStare · 12/07/2022 18:44

I would split cash between them ( not necessarily 50 50 but in some fair way as DS's room wasn't paid for out of that inheritance. )

I don't think DD's share being used to do her bedroom sounds quite right when her brother's was not . At 23 I would give DS the cash but put some in a savings account for DD - Think of the inheritance money as saving / earnings / money available to you - which presumably you used for Ds's room & then split the rest as you see fit .

One opinion only - others are available.

BornIn78 · 12/07/2022 18:46

No, it’s not fair.

Your daughters room needed doing. It’s unfair to your daughter to make that “her share” of the money and give her brother £2.5k

When you did up his room 5 years ago did you give your daughter a cash equivalent?

TheChosenTwo · 12/07/2022 18:52

I think it would be a nice gesture. Life isn’t fair, my older dc have had highs and lows along with us when finances could and couldn’t allow. Ds came along when we were a lot more financially stable. He’s had nicer holidays than the dds did at his age.
is it fair? I don’t know, it’s life, I did the best I could for each of them at all times, what that looked like looks different for each kid because money has always come and gone.
It’s neither of ops dc’s ‘share’ because neither of them were beneficiaries of the will. Op has decided to spend some of her inheritance on sprucing up her dds room and including her in the decision making, something which would have been more limited or may not have happened for some time without the money. And wants to give some to her older dc too.
Op, I think to an extent we can worry too much about ‘fairness’, I think you’ve shown them both kindness and consideration and that’s really important.

Mydogatemypurse · 12/07/2022 19:03

Id do her room and because son had his done i would then split £2500 between them. They have both had the same then.

gobbynorthernbird · 12/07/2022 19:14

I'm with the PP who think a split is fair. However, I'd put DD share into savings.

Original poster
MrsElm · 12/07/2022 19:16

Thank you to everyone who has posted, you have all given me food for thought.
And especially thank you @TheChosenTwo, you really seem to understand!

OP posts:
AuntMargo · 12/07/2022 19:18

No its not fair, doing a bedroom in the house, is hardly the same as being gifted money.

greatblueheron · 12/07/2022 19:20

I don't think it's fair. If she knew cash was a potential option, she may have opted for less redoing and a bit of spending money/savings like her brother may get.

Chewbecca · 12/07/2022 19:22

No, it isn't. You did his room a few years ago, this was making them equal.

I'd give each DC an equal amount of cash (putting DDs aside).

Original poster
MrsElm · 12/07/2022 19:36

greatblueheron · 12/07/2022 19:20

I don't think it's fair. If she knew cash was a potential option, she may have opted for less redoing and a bit of spending money/savings like her brother may get.

Cash was not a potential option at the time. And it really did need complete redoing.

I think I need to rethink.

OP posts:
Kite22 · 12/07/2022 19:37

No, it isn't fair or even similar.

As parents / owners of the house, you work your way through, decorating when you can (some work on doing a room each year). That is maintaining the house. I mean your dd probably appreciated it being re-done but it is nothing like the same as being given cash to spend on what you like (or save if you prefer).

Why not just put it away into savings, and, as and when your ds needs (or wants something) that is a bit of an investment - as maintaining your house is - then you know you have a bit put by to help him out.

I agree treating your dc fairly doesn't mean giving them the same things, but I think you are being very unfair to give him £2.5K cash and not give her anything. I mean, you don't have to give either of them anything, or you could give them both £200 each or something for them to get something as a momento from their Gran, but you need to give (or save for) both of them or neither of them if you want to be fair.

Runnerbeansflower · 12/07/2022 19:42

You did up his room when needed, and when you could afford it.

Then you did up her room when needed and when you could afford it.

She hasn't been treated any differently to him, so he doesn't get extra.

Personally I would put the extra aside for their future needs. If you want to hand it out now then equal amounts for each.

Dontwanttooffendlocals · 12/07/2022 19:46

BornIn78 · 12/07/2022 18:46

No, it’s not fair.

Your daughters room needed doing. It’s unfair to your daughter to make that “her share” of the money and give her brother £2.5k

When you did up his room 5 years ago did you give your daughter a cash equivalent?

This.

Yodaisawally · 12/07/2022 19:47

No it's not fair at all.

NerdleNoodle · 12/07/2022 20:06

Gosh OP, I have a different response. The money was left to YOU. If your mum wanted to leave the money to her grandchildren then she would have written a different will. This means you don't 'owe' your children anything from that money. You are using your money, as many mothers would, to make your home nicer for your children. Right now it's your DD whose room needs doing up; a few years ago it was your DS's. So they've been treated fairly, with the resources at your disposal.

I wouldn't dream of setting aside cash for either child. Use the money to make your and their lives better as and when you see fit. And enjoy having a little extra money, and being able to give if and when you want to.

Enjoy this loving gift from your mum.

musicforthesoul · 12/07/2022 20:12

I'd take doing up a room to be something that needed doing, not something that you need to make fair later on tbh.

If you did your sons room a few years ago, did you do anything of equivalent cash value for your daughter at that time or was it just something that one needed and the other didn't?

If you want to use some of the inheritance as a cash gift to them (lovely idea), I'd split it so they both get the same amount in cash.