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Original poster

If your sibling was terminally ill...

34 replies

PlantPhoenix · 09/07/2022 21:26

And had had a really tough week, would you spend your weekend doing up your garden, or would you visit them?

I know it's an unnecessary post but I'm so cross with DH’s brother and just need to vent.

OP posts:

Jjacobb · 09/07/2022 21:56

I'm sorry your dh is so ill and yes it's crap that his brother didn't visit. Does he live locally to you?
I'm happy to chat if you need a shoulder.

bloodywhitecat · 09/07/2022 21:59

People get scared I think. I know it's shit but we found people would say they would visit then chickened out, even on the night I called to say that if people wanted to see him they needed to get their arses in gear no-one came.

ohmygash · 09/07/2022 22:02

I’d visit but everyone’s different, some people like to stick their head in the sand or prioritise things differently

RedCardigan · 09/07/2022 22:02

People no matter what they au and how close they are love in their own bubble. They get fed up and bored and you realise that no one cares apart from the people under your own roof. Sorry you are going through this. Why has this week been tough? Maybe you BIL has seen that life is precious and to him doing up the garden is his way of dealing with that and one of the things he was putting off?

SquirrelSoShiny · 09/07/2022 22:04

He's a tool. I'm sorry you're all dealing with this.

orbitalcrisis · 09/07/2022 22:06

I'd only visit my sibling, terminally ill or not, bad week or not, if they asked me to.

2pinkginsplease · 09/07/2022 22:07

I’m sorry you are going through this just now,

How was their relationship before this diagnosis?

4 years ago I would be at my siblings side in a shot, now I’m not so sure,.

unfortunately, people deal with the prospect of losing people so differently.

take care of yourself x

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 09/07/2022 22:07

People really struggle with this stuff. And sometimes need to just check out from it all. I am so sorry, it is rubbish for you and your DH.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/07/2022 22:10

I’m sorry you are experiencing this.

what’s the history?

Minimalme · 09/07/2022 22:12

It does depend on their relationship before the illness.

I find that - in the main - family are the most gigantic let down.

I am only in contact with one of my siblings and NC with my parent. I wouldn't need asking to be there for my sibling but my parent will never have any help from me.

Original poster

PlantPhoenix · 09/07/2022 22:13

I know of all this. 3 months ago he spouted all about how he looked up to his big brother bla bla bla. And I think he's probably devastated. But so am I and so are our kids.

@RedCardigan DH barely got out of bed for 4 days and suffered massive confusion. On Wednesday I resigned myself to the fact that this was terrible news, sobbed my heart out, told his family via his sis. DH has since undergone some sort of 180 and doesn't seem any worse than he did last week (which isn't great but isn't nearly dead) and I don't even know what to think any more. I'm exhausted and hate this rollercoaster. And DH's brother is posting photos of his sodding garden. I know, mute, and concentrate on us.

OP posts:

Original poster

PlantPhoenix · 09/07/2022 22:16

Taken my own advice. Muted him for a while, will revisit when we've not had such a hideous week and I can act in a reasonable manner.

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/07/2022 22:22

I'm sorry you're in this awful situation. However, having had extensive experience of the same I'd say it's probably fear and an inability to cope. I wouldn't be too harsh. I recall my brother, who loved our mum very much, going a bit like this when she was terminal. I also struggled with MIL when she was. Humans are complicated and while I understand your annoyance, I think you should maybe just let it be

FeebasAquarium · 09/07/2022 22:24

My dsis died earlier this year from terminal cancer, and honestly I don’t know what the right answer is in this case.
She spent a week on hospital and I went to see see when she came out and she was still
working from home as she wanted the distraction so I mostly was in the way. I backed off a bit, though I sent messages.
She went downhill so quickly in the end. She didn’t want to see anyone really, I dithered a lot I wanted to see her but if I was making things worse I’d have felt awful. Her husband kept saying she’d like to see you but she never reached out, I’d go of course and it was easier when our mum was there but dsis mainly laid on the sofa in silence. Our other sister kept away and I know this upset both of them but equally she hated people seeing her like that.

Sorry to ramble, it’s still very raw, does the brother know he’s welcome and wanted? if so yes he’s a dick but it’s so hard, for everyone of course, shitty shitty situation. If not reach out - I only wanted to help, even though ultimately no one could.

BlueStarfish · 09/07/2022 22:35

It's so difficult to deal with a close ill relative. Some people will do whatever they can to avoid visiting because then they can't hide their head in the sand anymore. This way they can cling to that tiny bit of hope for a miracle. He probably hasn't accepted your DH's situation.

CPL593H · 09/07/2022 22:46

When you're in the zone, as you are, this kind of behaviour is incomprehensible. More than a decade on from my zone I've concluded that some people are weak in these situations, they have the option to be because they are not in the zone. They can and do opt out. I think maybe they can't help it it but that is not a lot of use to you at the moment. I truly hope you have many around you who are able to be more strong and a source of care and help

Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 09/07/2022 22:48

Db is a selfish coward....
Sorry you are dealing with added stress op.
Block him for now.

vdbfamily · 09/07/2022 23:10

People deal with grief in different ways. My brother had a brain tumor and had 2 years of treatment before he died. In those 2 years we did not treat him any differently really until we were told he just had weeks left. At that point we made a plan to try and care for him at home and when that was not possible he went to hospice. My parents, sister in law and myself took turns to make sure someone was always with him during day and I went every evening for 3 weeks. Those were very precious times work him but up until those last 3 weeks people may have thought I was not making much effort, however my brother wanted to carry on as normal for as long as he could.
It is not easy knowing what to do in these situations and trying to be helpful without getting in the way.

Minimalme · 09/07/2022 23:35

So sorry op, that must be so hard.

Dh's brother has let him down. I don't think dealing with grief differently is an excuse. You and your family have to deal with the situation, even though I'm sure you would love to hide away.

I think it's ok to feel let down and not to make the effort again with BiL.

Mariposista · 10/07/2022 01:31

So sorry about your husband OP.

In this situation I would call ahead, see if my wanted a visit or whether they were feeling too tired or rough for visitors. If they wanted my company and it wasn’t too much, I would definitely prioritize them over the garden. But if they told me they were feeling far too terrible and didn’t want to see me, I’d respect that.

ClaryFairchild · 10/07/2022 01:37

Some people go into self protect mode and act is if they have already lost that person, which is a really shit thing to do.

I know of one marriage that broke up because the wife did this, acted like she had already lost her husband to an illness with a high death rate, but he actually pulled through and she refused to accept it. Wouldn't socialise with him, wouldn't do anything with him.... he ended up physically leaving her as she had already emotionally left him.

bluenameblue · 10/07/2022 11:22

I sickened out of seeing a very ill relative, until they died it was too sad amd scary and I took any excuse not to go. I don't know why I couldn't bring myself to go. I really could have managed it really but I was putting it off because I knew they would look different, be sad, act scared. I also knew that other film members would be there and i wanted to see them alone but couldn't very well ask for everyone else to leave, now, could I?

So I put it off thinking I'd have more time and I didn't and they died and I'm sad every day.

I definitely get the 'doing your garden' bit too. I used to have a day off from seeing my nan if my house was too messy because I wanted to be 'perfect' when I saw her and having a mass of washing to do would be on my mind when I was visiting. I don't know why but It was difficult to go. Even though I loved them both I definitely pulled back at the end which is stupid and I could feel myself regretting it at the time.

I know its quite common. Especially with ill people who you know you don't have time with forever. I think it is selfish but also I can see how you would put it off. it is difficult for everyone. his brother loves him. Maybe call yourself and have the Frank talk, there is a lot of 'how do I act, what can I say?' around death and illness. It also makes you feel as if the visit is a chore and you are getting 'extra time in' now, like banking it up for when they have passed on.

I would ring and tell him to visit. Even if it's awkward.

bluenameblue · 10/07/2022 11:24

Sorry that should be chickened out
not sickened.

also it was shitty, and I'm embarrassed and wish I could go back but at the time... that was the way I acted and bil is probably feeling shit too.

Daftasabroom · 10/07/2022 11:29

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 09/07/2022 22:07

People really struggle with this stuff. And sometimes need to just check out from it all. I am so sorry, it is rubbish for you and your DH.

This.

He is grieving even while his brother is alive.

My brother died and I will always regret not telling him I love him.

My best friend died and I only visited his parents a handful of times, I just couldn't do it.

AngeloMysterioso · 10/07/2022 11:32

Does your DH want him to visit?

I know when my Dad was having exceptionally tough days he didn’t want visits from anyone at all, including me… he just wanted to rest.

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