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Original poster

If your sibling was terminally ill...

34 replies

PlantPhoenix · 09/07/2022 21:26

And had had a really tough week, would you spend your weekend doing up your garden, or would you visit them?

I know it's an unnecessary post but I'm so cross with DH’s brother and just need to vent.

OP posts:
Yika · 10/07/2022 12:28

Oh gosh people are so disappointing. Even if relatives are not sure if the sick person wants a visit, it should be them (the relative) reaching out to ask, being proactive, just being ready to jump in if needed, closing ranks around the sick person and also the carer - it is so hard to be in your situation and you don't want to have to ask for support, it should be offered.

I think this is quite common: people stick their head in the sand and don't think about what is needed. Please take care of yourself, find the strength to ask for what you need, and lean on people who are available.

Original poster
PlantPhoenix · 10/07/2022 13:40

I know he's grieving. I know it's hard. I know all this because I'm living it (and the kids are too) every day. I honestly thought we were heading towards the end earlier in the week, and now he seems miles from it and it should be a relief but it's not, because we'll go through it again but who knows when.

It would just be nice if he reached out. But I'm not going to hope for it, or expect it. I know all the reasons. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though.

OP posts:
Willowkins · 10/07/2022 13:59

I went through this with DH's 4 brothers. One visited, not often but regularly; one phoned sometimes; one came once for a special occasion along with the other two. These three all came to visit in the last days. The other one came for DH's funeral and that was it. For what it's worth, I think it's about emotional maturity. They're all a bit younger and when I was a bit younger I probably would have felt a bit daunted as well. Now that I'm older and wiser, I'd definitely visit.

MrsBokke · 10/07/2022 14:14

Oh people can invent a thousand excuses for staying away from a terminally ill close relative. It's basically selfish, they priorotise their own feelings (basically making it all about them!).

I would be with my sibling like a shot. I have a brother who is having chemo for prostate cancer. He doesnt want visitors at the mometn as the chemo is tough, but as soon as he's well enough I will be there!

So sorry you are in this situation OP, it really bloody sucks.

Nidan2Sandan · 10/07/2022 14:45

I never got to see my sister before she died as her terminal illness was diagnosed in hospital when she went in with what she thought was a broken rib, took hold and killed her within 2 weeks, and the hospital wouldn't allow us to visit due to covid (it was jan 2022!) And I HATE the hospital for keeping me from her, so I couldnt imagine what your BIL is thinking.

My brother did see her, but refused to go to her funeral. He thought it was better to send us all abusive text messages instead whilst we stood waiting for her coffin to arrive.

Daftasabroom · 10/07/2022 14:51

@PlantPhoenix you have all my sympathies and wishes. Dying is such a very difficult process and for those left behind there is sometimes no start and no end to the grieving process. It's also something that none of us know how we will react until it happens and we may well react differently each time. BIL isn't selfish or disappointing, there is no right or wring. Perhaps DH could reach out, it would definitely let me rest easier if I knew I was wanted or needed?

ClaryFairchild · 11/07/2022 12:05

Yes there is a right or wrong. The person who is dying and their immediate family who needs support - that is whose wishes get respected, not the coward who hides away.

I had friends who hid away during a really difficult time, they are no longer my friends. They tried to reach out to me when it was all over and I told them that they had decided to distance themselves when I needed them the most, and I would very much like to keep that distance now. Fuck 'em.

MissyB1 · 11/07/2022 12:08

ClaryFairchild · 11/07/2022 12:05

Yes there is a right or wrong. The person who is dying and their immediate family who needs support - that is whose wishes get respected, not the coward who hides away.

I had friends who hid away during a really difficult time, they are no longer my friends. They tried to reach out to me when it was all over and I told them that they had decided to distance themselves when I needed them the most, and I would very much like to keep that distance now. Fuck 'em.

I agree! It’s not a popular opinion on here because people like to make excuses (especially if they are uncomfortable about illness and death). But sometimes we have to put our own feelings aside and just do the right bloody thing!

nettytree · 11/07/2022 12:17

All depends on the family situation. If it was my sister I would spend as much time together. If it was my husbands sister, I would spend the time digging the hole to put her in. Complete bitch.

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