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Original poster

Is this doing nothing?

33 replies

TrogLaDyte · 08/07/2022 21:13

DC broke up today, 5weeks off. DH has the middle three weeks off. Tonight he asked us what our plans are. DH doesn't like going to swimming pools, parks, zoos etc etc i.e. the stuff the DC like doing.

I said DC had asked to go to pool so we will go to the one in X on Monday, then come back do the shopping for the week and take DC1 to a doctors appointment. DH is wfh.
Tuesday, we will go to pool more local in the morning, have lunch, then go to DC1 physio appointment and on to the library.
Wasn't sure about rest of the week except 2hour walk to mini golf, the other physio appointment and MIL wanted to do something with DC and hasn't called me back yet.

"Oh, so nothing then. As usual."

Am I really so wrong not to schedule some big trip every single day? Considering that we don't have much spare cash and are supposed to be saving money. DC need swim practice, especially as DH wants to do water sports with them. DC will be happy to swim every day. But it's not a 40 km bike ride or a 5 hour hike so it doesn't count?

OP posts:
newbiename · 08/07/2022 21:38

He's being ridiculous. Ask him what he's got planned.

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 08/07/2022 21:52

My dh once made a similar comment.
So I told him, in minute detail, every single bit of getting breakfast, changing and dressing dd, packing her change bag, making and packing our lunch, how long it took to get there, you get the idea.
I still give him a daily rundown, not that he asks, in fact he tells me it’s not necessary- but I honestly think so much of my daily ‘work’ - and it is work - was invisible to him. Certainly he won’t notice if the bathroom is newly cleaned or if I’ve regrouted the tiles.
He has not made the same mistake twice.

TokyoSushi · 08/07/2022 21:55

What has he planned for his 3 weeks off?

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Hugasauras · 08/07/2022 22:13

Yes, can't wait to see what exciting events he has planned for you all Hmm

Original poster
TrogLaDyte · 09/07/2022 06:22

Two weeks will be a hiking holiday. The other I assume will consist of practice hikes, bike rides or stand up paddling. I will have to insist on a day at home to organise packing - he'll probably go off by himself moaning how lazy we are.

The DC rarely get any time at home just to be at home. They both brought what seems like the entire content of their classroom home, and dumped it in their rooms. During the week, they don't have time just to sit and do stuff like painting, drawing. I also have to get stuff like cleaning, washing etc done. (I'm not allowed to do any of that when he's home so it has to be done during weekdays) They could both do with a good sort out of their rooms before the next school year. You know, normal living stuff. And they want to meet up and play out with their friends or have them over.

OP posts:
halfsiesonapotnoodle · 09/07/2022 06:31

FFS, it's vital that you and your children have plenty of time with unstructured activities, just being at home or spontaneously deciding things. What you're doing sounds plenty.

MrsGamgee · 09/07/2022 06:33

TrogLaDyte · 09/07/2022 06:22

Two weeks will be a hiking holiday. The other I assume will consist of practice hikes, bike rides or stand up paddling. I will have to insist on a day at home to organise packing - he'll probably go off by himself moaning how lazy we are.

The DC rarely get any time at home just to be at home. They both brought what seems like the entire content of their classroom home, and dumped it in their rooms. During the week, they don't have time just to sit and do stuff like painting, drawing. I also have to get stuff like cleaning, washing etc done. (I'm not allowed to do any of that when he's home so it has to be done during weekdays) They could both do with a good sort out of their rooms before the next school year. You know, normal living stuff. And they want to meet up and play out with their friends or have them over.

I'm sorry OP but this man sounds like a controlling arsehole. You're not allowed to do any housework while he is it there?! And I'm guessing he does the square root of nothing around the house as well?

Rickrollme · 09/07/2022 06:33

You’re “not allowed” to do cleaning and washing while your husband is in the house? When does he does his share of house-related tasks?

WinterMusings · 09/07/2022 06:36

FMD why are you still with this TOOL?

no hang on, tools are actually useful things...

MintJulia · 09/07/2022 06:39

Your dh is being daft.

We too will spend the first two weeks of the holiday going to the pool, pootling about seeing friends, a bit of cycling, maybe a picnic to a local beauty spot.
DS is shattered, has just finished exams and needs to relax & recharge - you know, a bit like a holiday - before he does more exciting stuff later in the summer.

It's not 'doing nothing'. Is your dh trying to imply that he is the only one doing anything worthwhile?

ShirleyPhallus · 09/07/2022 06:46

I also have to get stuff like cleaning, washing etc done. (I'm not allowed to do any of that when he's home so it has to be done during weekdays)

alarm bells. What a controlling arsehole

a drip feed is coming isn’t it - he doesn’t contribute to the running of the house, sees chores as womens work, always busy working and thinks that’s his contribution? Probably got some very important hobby and has a few nights out a week and you haven’t had a night to yourself for years?

RockinHorseShit · 09/07/2022 07:20

Crikey. He'd be under the patio by now if he was mine. What a tin pot Hitler he is 🤢

Original poster
TrogLaDyte · 09/07/2022 07:39

I'm a sahm, so I do the housework. I'd love a part time job, but it's a) hard to find one and b) it would have to fit around school. One DC has SN and the after school club, even if he would agree to go, has no space for him. DH thinks he can just be left home alone.... so I'm kind of stuck especially for holidays etc.

He also doesn't go out would be nice! at all so can't complain there. He has insomnia so needs to be able to relax once he comes home from work and not listen to me faffing around. Plus after DC are in bed, the lights are off.

Is your dh trying to imply that he is the only one doing anything worthwhile?
Yes, I think so.Hhe also said recently I can get a job now as the DC are old enough to be left alone home during the holidays. It wouldn't change anything as I never do anything with them anyway.

OP posts:
CourtneeLuv · 09/07/2022 07:44

TrogLaDyte · 09/07/2022 06:22

Two weeks will be a hiking holiday. The other I assume will consist of practice hikes, bike rides or stand up paddling. I will have to insist on a day at home to organise packing - he'll probably go off by himself moaning how lazy we are.

The DC rarely get any time at home just to be at home. They both brought what seems like the entire content of their classroom home, and dumped it in their rooms. During the week, they don't have time just to sit and do stuff like painting, drawing. I also have to get stuff like cleaning, washing etc done. (I'm not allowed to do any of that when he's home so it has to be done during weekdays) They could both do with a good sort out of their rooms before the next school year. You know, normal living stuff. And they want to meet up and play out with their friends or have them over.

Leave the arsehole and make him do his own fucking cleaning.

Beefcurtains79 · 09/07/2022 07:52

Is he going on this hiking holiday on his own or is it a family holiday?
What did you say back to him after his nasty little ‘ nothing then’ comment? I’d have gone apeshit.

notoveritt · 09/07/2022 08:02

Your DH sounds exactly like my father growing up. He was abusive in many other ways too but the whole 'needing to do something' every single day, never being allowed to relax or just be at home... as an adult now I look back and realise actually how traumatic that was. I still struggle now to rest and recover because I have such a fear of being lazy - it's put me in the hospital a few times as I just can't relax even when I physically need to. After years of therapy I am trying so hard to undo this mentality but it is SO tough. Children need time to recuperate and also to just 'be', finding ways to entertain themselves.
I'm not saying this will happen to your DC but just wanted to give my perspective as a child with a father like this. I would stand my ground, your DH sounds controlling and alarm bells would be ringing.

Original poster
TrogLaDyte · 09/07/2022 08:13

Is he going on this hiking holiday on his own or is it a family holiday?
It's a family holiday. The DC will probably revolt at some point (also depending on how much DC1 can manage, recovering from an injury) and I'll take them to the pool for a day; or do a short version of the hike and DH join us somewhere along the way.

What did you say back to him after his nasty little ‘ nothing then’ comment?
I very immaturely rolled my eyes at him, told him it wasn't nothing and pointed out that it was his idea I took them to the library.

OP posts:
PlaidBlanket · 10/07/2022 12:13

TrogLaDyte · 09/07/2022 07:39

I'm a sahm, so I do the housework. I'd love a part time job, but it's a) hard to find one and b) it would have to fit around school. One DC has SN and the after school club, even if he would agree to go, has no space for him. DH thinks he can just be left home alone.... so I'm kind of stuck especially for holidays etc.

He also doesn't go out would be nice! at all so can't complain there. He has insomnia so needs to be able to relax once he comes home from work and not listen to me faffing around. Plus after DC are in bed, the lights are off.

Is your dh trying to imply that he is the only one doing anything worthwhile?
Yes, I think so.Hhe also said recently I can get a job now as the DC are old enough to be left alone home during the holidays. It wouldn't change anything as I never do anything with them anyway.

This sounds worse and worse, OP.

Im not sure what you mean by saying you ‘can’t complain’ because he never goes out, when in fact you’re all on eggshells tiptoeing around a tinpot domestic dictator. What do you mean, his insomnia mens he needs to relax after work and not listen to you ‘faffing around’? Do you mean behaving normally in your own house? And that he won’t allow lights on after the children go to bed??? What about if you want them on?

listen, I also have insomnia, and it’s not pleasant, but I recognise it’s my problem to deal with, not something than I can use to dictate the lives of the rest of my household!

Heroicallyl0st · 10/07/2022 12:23

Agree with @notoveritt

He sounds exhausting. Time doing nothing is essential for rest and for creativity and imagination to develop. We’re very rarely doing completely nothing in life, but blank space to be allowed to go where the mood takes us is so important. I couldn’t live with a person like that anymore (grew up with a parent like that). The judgement and expectations are so tiring to the core.

SnowyLamb · 10/07/2022 12:26

I'd have taken that to be a lighthearted remark on the fact that you've very busy, as usual, but you know the man.

What will he do with his 3 weeks?

FinallyHere · 10/07/2022 12:39

I'm not allowed to do any of that when he's home

Is he really your boss... or your DH?

LatteLady · 10/07/2022 18:03

Gosh, this so reminds me of my sister's old boss. He was driving his son to football camp one summer, the child had done sports camp and history camp already that summer. A voice came from the back seat, "Dad, when do I get my holiday?"

You don't have to do things everyday and if your husband finds it too noisy, send him to his proper work office.

Shinyandnew1 · 10/07/2022 18:08

Plus after DC are in bed, the lights are off

Sorry, what? You sit there in the dark?!

GelatoQueen · 10/07/2022 18:13

Your DH would hate my house OP. DS has been off for a week already. For 2 days straight DS (9) refused to get out of his PJs and said he just wanted to 'chill'. I work part time and have so far managed library, haircut, 2 afternoons at home doing messy arts and crafts (that I've been putting off for ages) and outdoor / garden time. Next week is holiday club so he'll be busy.

GelatoQueen · 10/07/2022 18:14

And I wouldn't pander to your DH any more.