If you ended up childless do you ever wish you did it alone? Assuming you wanted them

[Jlao]

Just that really. I feel like I’m at a crossroads. Always wanted kids but I’m getting on a bit and no partner in sight.

I’m not your target audience as I met someone & had DC, however….

if I hadn’t if met anyone I totally would have gone it alone & planned to. I grew up with a single parent (DM) from being a baby & my father was not around. She was a hard worker & provided a great childhood for me. I didn’t miss a dad figure at all as you don’t miss what you never had.

As long as you have enough financial means to raise a child and local family support I’d do it.

Again not your target audience, but I am a sole parent and it's hard, relentlessly hard. I love DS more than you can imagine but being a Mum only fills one gap, and loads of different ones have opened up.

If I'd thought I could genuinely be at peace with the decision to not have kids then I wouldn't choose to go it alone.

If I hadn’t have had DS, I would have done it alone. So long as I had money in savings and a stable job to return to after maternity leave. I wouldn’t be without DS now and couldn’t imagine being childless (I always wanted children). I am still with DC dad.

Following as this is something on my mind a lot just now.
I've recently been diagnosed with endometrial cancer and have to make a decision about whether I want to try the more risky medical option to spare my fertility in the medium term. Long term I will need a hysterectomy. I am single and childless and I don't want to be in a relationship. But the clock is ticking louder than ever.

I had my daughter 4 months ago at 32! I would have done it alone if DP didn't come along x

I don’t think I could have not had children.

Again not your target audience but I did choose to go it alone and am so glad I did. Yes it's unbelievably hard at times, but by the sounds of things from talking to friends, this isn't unique to solo parenting and there's a whole host of things that I don't have to deal with due to not trying to simultaneously maintain an adult relationship. I think a lot depends on your support network, I'm lucky to have a really good friend who is massively supportive (she was my birth partner) and also other single parent friends to spend time with at weekends etc - i would find it much harder without those. But ultimately I always knew I wanted children and I would have been devastated not to.

A friend of mine had her son via ivf at 40. It was never the plan but she'd been with the same (weasily cunt) boyfriend since early 20s who kept saying 'next year' to her when she raised the baby question. Turns out he'd cheated repeatedly and left her when she was 37. She was in no space to look for a new partner but had always dreamed of a family and weasily cunt had already ruined 15 years of her life so she wasn't prepared to lose the opportunity for a child too.

She has found it very very hard. The ivf took a couple of tries. She was quite ill when pregnant, she was having a tricky time at work but not in a position to do anything other than brave it out. She struggled to bond/get excited when she was pregnant. She found the early days hard as no one to share the nights.

But her son is the love of her life, the most jolly thing ever. She is radiant with him. She does have fab family support from her mum/sister as well which she said she couldn't do without. She says best thing she ever did.

I was childless and single at 35 and did it alone. Now have an 8 year old and wouldn't change a thing.

Yes I would have done it alone.
For me I never wanted children and wasn't bothered if I had any then bang, hit my early thirties and it became very important.

My ex h was never there so I felt like I was on my own anyway and he's not been there since.

I wish I'd of had another one as my Dd is lonely sometimes for a sibling.

Her dad has gone on to have one maybe two we are not sure but we have no way of getting in touch with these women.

I hope when my Dd is older she can make contact with them via Facebook or whatever is the thing in 10 years.

I would have liked to have gone it alone. But Health issues and lack of childcare were issues.

Also not your target audience, but ended up alone with a baby and it was so much easier than a tricky relationship. I tried to have a second alone via IVF but I’d waited too long trying to find a DP for DC1. I had been exploring going it alone. I would in a heartbeat. Worth thinking it through. I relocated and shifted career to manage it.

I didn’t intentially end up alone, but bought up both my kids basically by myself. In fact I did wonder about why I even bothered with trying to do the family bit as my Ex went quite toxic for a few years and it would have been much easier without him!

It depends on you, but I’m generally quite OK with responsibility and love being a parent. It’s not easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. I would gladly do it again on my own and my kids say they love the fact that they have such a close relationship with me as a mum, and one of them made it to adulthood and is a lovely, happy adult so I did something right! So go for it if you feel you can do it.

Not your target audience either but I have raised my son for many years on my own. Looking back at my experience, I love DS more than everything and have had an amazing time with him but… I would strongly advise not to do it alone unless you have a massively supportive family or support network around you.

You know that saying that goes “you need a village to raise a child”? It is absolutely true, if you are going to make a success of being a single parent you really need to put the work and do the sacrifices to build a good network of support around you to help you raise a well rounded child where both you and the child are happy and supported (it can get very lonely if you don’t go out of your way to build a community)

As @GetThatHelmetOn said I had support from my wider family. It would have been very hard without that support, plus I've always worked from home which is a massive plus

Only if I had local and willing family support. There would definitely be huge sadness if I'd ended up without children.... BUT having had children I know how hard it is and I'm not even on my own. I find it so hard having no family local and that's with my DH who is very hands on. But some people take to single parenthood very naturally so maybe it depends on personality.

I am going it alone. I hit 40, and realised how much I would regret it if I didn't try. It's not ideal, but it is what it is. I hope I haven't left it too late!
@Dobbysgotthesocks sorry to hear your news, that's a massive decision to have to make and I hope you have a lot of support at the moment. Wishing you all the best.

I’m a single mum and was married to useless man, who who didn’t want to parent. Parenting without a shit partner is much easier, however, I wouldn’t choose to go it alone. No. As much as I adore him, I have found it isolating and relentless re the sheer responsibility of bringing up a child safely to be a good human in this world. I worry about fucking him up and his loneliness due to not having a sibling. He’s a wonderful child, the issues are more to do with me.

I would have very seriously considered it, but truthfully I would not have been able to afford it.

mid 40’s, childless and did want children when I was younger (no medical reasons).

I do actually really like children so guessing I’m your targeted opinion.

Per a lot of people in the same position was in a long term relationship which ended when I was 38.

I genuinely believe that I wouldn’t have the energy/capacity/financial ability to raise a child or children solo. I base this on having babysat friends and family kids, not just for a couple of hours but for couple of days at a time.

I’d also worry about support if something happened to me or worse if I died what would happen to my child? My parents are great with kids but are in their late 60’s & other family I don’t think would be able to step in.

Many people do end up as single parents but most didn’t plan to or choose to raise their children solo.

Do I have regrets? Yes sometimes I’m human it’s natural to.
Would I try for a child now? No

For 15 years I have worked as an adoption social worker. I can honestly say that in my experience single adopters cope better with the adjustment to parenthood. They parent exactly the way they choose to and there's no one to resent for not pulling their weight. However it is a requirement that all adopters should have a robust support network. Good luck making a decision.

I’m 42 with no kids and expected to have them and then had some pressure to do it on my own when I was ageing out but I’m glad (not quite the right word) I didn’t do it.
It would have been nice to have had kids but it’s also not the end of the world for me.
I find other people more sad (and condescending) about it

Being a nanny means I haven’t missed out on being around kids and I didn’t have years and years of struggle like infertile women, it’s just purely circumstance.

I’m childfree largely because I was never in a relationship that felt secure enough to bring a child into. My oldest friends are both single mums and I’ve seen how hard it’s been for them: for that reason, I never wanted to be a single parent by choice.

My situation is complicated by my having a bad relationship with my own parents, plus health issues that mean I’m often exhausted. Knowing myself as I do, I felt I’d have resented a child - there are things I’ve done in my life that I don’t believe would have been possible with a child and the need to work. I also worried that I’d feel I was short-changing them by not having the energy to be the mum I’d want to be.

As I got older I wondered if I might change my mind, but I haven’t - and I feel extremely lucky about that.

Maybe ask yourself some questions: do you have local support from people who could help out? Would you be able to cope with a child with additional needs? Are there things in your life you really really want to do (start a business / travel / something else) and would you be able to do that if you were a single parent?

good luck x

I think the thing that I really struggle with is I worry I'm somehow devaluing the relationship I had with my dad. My dad had his faults but he was and is always there for us. I remember waiting excitedly for him to come home. I remember his presence making me feel safe and his absence unsettled. When he used to go away for work I used to hate it although I hid it well I think.
I worry about having a child on my own is if I'm depriving them of that relationship. Also now that I have been diagnosed with cancer is it ok to being a child into the world with the risk I could leave them parentless?

I suppose you could argue that anyone could get diagnosed with a serious illness (or hit by a bus!) at any time: you’re aware of your illness and having treatment, and have time to plan and make decisions. If the worst happened, is there someone you’d trust with your child?