Would this be ridiculous?

[Doormatnomore]

I’ve written this 3 times but it was too long and waffling so name change and down to bare bones.

the last 5 years I’ve put myself last behind everyone but the last 2 years in particular I’ve been a total mug. A series of events since Easter culminating in a dose of covid that put me in bed for a week have opened my eyes.

I straight up told dh that if things didn’t change the marriage was over. No therapy, no second chances no trials. He took it the way it was meant, agreed that he had been taking the piss and things have changed (for less than a month, I’m not calling it a success yet).

here’s the bit that might be ridiculous. Can I do this with everyone else? Just tell them that I am now my own top priority (apart from my kids) and I will be working to my own goals exclusively. Then using the classic “no that doesn’t work for me” when I’m asked to do anything that doesn’t support my goals. I know people are unlikely to take it well but there can’t really be any come back can there?

what tipped me over the edge was being treated like some unfortunate soul with no life or ambition when actually I’m running round pleasing everyone else!

i can give more detail but I am the epitome of the phrase “setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm”. Or I was, bugger that now.

Just tell them that I am now my own top priority (apart from my kids) and I will be working to my own goals exclusively.

This isn't necessary. Just start putting it into action.

I'd need a lot more detail to know what you mean.

But for anyone id say don't give more than you have to spare.

detail like what’s been happening?
parents were looking after an elderly relative with all the drama and emotion that involves but I was at every appointment, made every phone call and did all the research into funding and carers etc. I also picked up all of parents housework and catering because they were looking after elder and needed support.
i worked from home so had siblings kids for holidays and while they went away for weekends and nights out.
I answered the phone to my friend anytime day or night as they felt isolated due to covid. I visited, send cards and presents and had her to stay here.
my parents recently said to me they had no idea how lucky I am to not have to look after parents when I suggested that we use some of the attendance allowance to send clothes the laundrette rather than me doing it all for everyone (with 15 different kinds of soap powder because they don’t like mine)
my darling sibling said they needed nights out because they both work full time (so do we), have kids (so do we) and friendships are important (unless they’re mine apparently)
my lovely friend didn’t invite me to her barbecue because I never seem to go anywhere so what would I talk to anyone about.

Oh yeah.

Fuck that shit.

My XDP once said he couldn't do any housework or looking after ds because he worked FT.

So did I.

He had to do his own when I showed him the door

I know I don’t need to say it but I want to make the point. Which is where I feel I might be ridiculous. I want them to try and defend their positions with stand in righteousness judgement.

I also want to be able to point to the date that I took control, possibly have a anniversary. I’m talking myself out of it.

Well done op. You've done a lot for everyone and been taken advantage of. Time to put yourself first and stop letting people take the piss.

You don’t need to announce it to them - just start and stick to it. You’ve woken up now, there’s no going back.

Sounds fine to me.

You seem annoyed at people who haven't done what's right for you but it seems like you haven't set any sort of boundaries for yourself. Or have people actively walked all over your set boundaries?

Well, I think I was expecting other people to respect natural boundaries, or at least be aware of them. Turns out that’s bullshit. So maybe on me?

i am furious with everyone, not ready to see my own part in it yet.

I think if you want to start saying no to things then say no. Yoire a grown up and have free choice and really can’t blame others for your choices to date. You are not a child.

as for making the announcement, yes it’s ridiculous. Eye rollingly so. You sound like a teen having a tantrum.

take responsibility for yourself and your own choices.

It's not on you at all. People are treating you really really badly. I'm not sure I would announce it but the next time I was expected to do something I would just absolutely refuse and then I would say something pretty sharp.

It’s completely on her. She’s a grown up and no is a complete sentance.

The reason I wouldn't say anything now is that they need to associate it with something that's happening at the moment. So e.g. your sister says I want you to have the children for the weekend and you say no, I work full-time as well and I need time to myself. Say you don't ever have my children and I've done it so many times and you don't even say thank you. End of conversation. That way when she complains about it, which she will, anyone she speaks to will say well you have been taking the piss.

Yeah I have to agree OP you can’t blame others if you’ve never enforced boundaries or said no before, if they think you’re a willing helper of course they’ll ask/take advantage! I ask loads of favours of my boyfriend and mum like regular dog sitting and I assume they’re happy to do it because they always say yes. Unless they tell me they don’t want to I’m gonna keep asking! I say no go stuff all the time if it doesn’t suit me so when people say yes to me I take it at face value and assume they’d refuse if they didn’t want to. Just start saying no, don’t give it a second thought, you need to have a backbone.

I think a teenager having a tantrum is entirely accurate. I think that’s why I was asking. i might go the whole hog and put something on Facebook 😉.

ok, I seem to have grown a spine, time to a grown up, 30 years later than most people.

Go for it.

Be a teenager having a tantrum. Do Whatever makes you feel good.

I wouldn’t announce it.

just start asserting your boundaries. Keep a note for yourself of the date if you really want to, but don’t make a cringy announcement.

do you need help coming up with ways to say no? Or is your rage going to see you through?

My rage is seeing me through. Well actually I’m trying to be stone cold methodical. Ive booked 2 classes a week, emailed about 50 others. Applied for a part time job and bought about £1000 worth of craft stuff. So the answer to any request will be to say I have plans. Anyone who wants to talk to me (but actually just tell me all their woes) will get a detailed run down of what I achieved at Spanish club.

Good for you OP! Stick to your guns, and keep standing up for yourself.

Definitely time to put yourself first. You can still support others, but on your terms, not there’s. If you unable to help someone, say so and don’t try and squeeze them in. Their lives aren’t your responsibility.

Enjoy your crafting!

I appreciate all this by the way. A part of me feels like I’m being bad and am going to get a row so a load of strangers agreeing with, even if they think I’m being bratty about it, is really helpful.
if you seeing a lady with a mad look in her eye striding down the high street with a bag with bits of wool hanging out in one hand and a frozen coffee in the other that’ll be me.

You might need to state your boundaries calmly and quietly.

I think the expectations sound mad, did you offer to do laundry? Many of us look after oldies and just get on with everything else.

It was a slippery slope with expectations, and I bent over backwards to help in various situations of my own free will but didn’t anticipate it would snowball (cause I’m a wet idiot).

i also [used to] take pride in not seeking thanks or praise, did things to help for that reason alone. Which is still true, but that doesn’t mean you can take the piss.

I understand.

i've stopped this sort of thing too.

Sidebar - that is a LOT of craft stuff!

Bloody well go for it! People have taken the mickey. They'll soon see how much you did for them. I'm sure it won't make them more grateful but at least you'll be living your life with some enjoyment.

I'm secretly hoping that one of my friends does this. She is everyone's carer, babysitter, emotional punching bag. I found a job the other day that she would be amazing at, part time, fits with her interests but her partner axed it straight away. I want her to see how amazing she is and how much she puts up with that she shouldn't.