I am so overwhelmed

[FlorDeMayoByTheMile]

I feel really low.

I have two girls - 7 and 5. I love the bones of them but I’m struggling. I’m a crap mum to them, I don’t know how to be a mum.

They’re usually at school and nursery. its the school hols and I’ve been trying to take them out (when I’m not working) - evenings etc. On their bikes, cinema, swimming etc. it’s never enough. They’re always bickering, moaning, 7 year old is just so cheeky and moody. 5 is clingy and needy and won’t go to sleep by herself so I have to lie on her floor till she decides to try. 7 keeps herself awake till 11pm and constantly interrupts any time I get to myself. I am trying my best, I really am, but it’s so relentless.

I have a stressful, professional job. The stress just dominates my thoughts 24/7 but I can’t take a pay cut so I’m stuck.

House is a tip. I simply don’t have the energy. Can’t afford a cleaner (and as the kids are so messy I don’t even see the point right now). Relationship with husband is generally good but I wish he would do more off his own back (standard). We don’t have much support in terms of childcare.

Parents live a couple of hours away. I go and see them fairly regularly but they never, ever come here. The resentment is growing and growing.

it’s just all so fucking relentless.

You need to research o

You need to research ideas to get your 7yo to bed op. She is well old enough to go to sleep alone.
You aren't a rubbish dm. But you need peace on an evening and your bdd needs to know that.

7 can go to sleep on her own. She chooses to stay up. She has a great bedtime routine. In bed for 7.30-8 and reads a lot. She just won’t go to sleep. Once she’s fed up reading she gets back up again. And again. And again.

5 needs me to stay on her floor till she sleeps. If I leave she simply follows me crying. She’s starting school after the hols and I think this is where the clinginess is coming from. But again it can be like 9pm before she settles and goes to sleep. I don’t know what I’m meant to do, I can’t force them to go to sleep

No but you can walk away. Lamp only. No tech. Do you give out consequences for not staying in bed? Maybe if you are too tired for the park /parties /trips they may grasp you need a break.

I don’t really know what consequences to give them to be honest. I feel like I’m always barking/moaning at them about something. It’s just so fraught.

Suggest it would have been nice to go to the ice cream shop but you are just too tired.

Shame you can't manage the park but maybe if they go to bed as they are told tonight maybe tomorrow after school..

Your kids are taking the mick. After a reasonable anount of time noone should be getting up other than for a nightmare sick etc. Talk about it first, agree consequences. Lose tec in this house. No tablets the next day. First few times will be hard. DO NOT GIVE IN. Make sure hubby on board too.

They don’t really use tech to be honest. They don’t seem all that interested. Which I’m not complaining about. I do need to rethink this because it’s terrible and I suspect it’s why 7 is so moody as well. Honestly I get the worst word in her stomach

7 can go to sleep on her own. She chooses to stay up.

Chooses? There is no choosing, she’s 7.

The parent says it’s bedtime at 8pm (whatever) after a certain routine and that is that. You either go reward or consequences but this is easily solvable as you can at least have a conversation with a 7 year old unlike a toddler.

I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic as it is relentless but this is fixable in a very short amount of time.

Horrible as it sounds, identify what they do mind losing and use that.

Your OH needs to step up and shoulder an equal burden to you.

In the moment they just don’t give a fuck. In the moment all they care about is staying up. I have no idea why, it’s not like they are missing anything.

Likewise disrespectful language from a 7 yo is an ABSOLUTE no. What’s your DH say when she does that and what’s her consequence from you.

Yesterday my DD eye-rolled my DP and was a bit rude about something as she was hangry. It was minor but no excuse, I immediately called her out on it and she had to apologise. No one is perfect but the whole thing was over in 2 mins and everyone moves on with their evening. It’s a lesson in respecting other people as well as yourself.

We do pull her up on it. She is made to apologise. But it doesn’t stop her. It just feels like all we do is tell her off right now.

They are incredibly strong willed and beginning to rule the roost. I really need to get a handle on it but I’m struggling with how to do it.

You have a DH problem for a start. If he steps up you'll both be able to share the load and try and sort out your DC's bedtimes.

Sounds like you aren't getting enough downtime. Tell the 7yo she will need to stay in her room even if she can't sleep. Don't engage with her just walk her back to bed like a toddler and walk back out every time. She will soon learn she isn't going to get any where. The 5 yo will be exhausted when she starts school so that should help there. What time do they both get up? You aren't a crap Mum at all but it does sound like your husband needs to step up a bit. Also get the kids to help make a plan for holidays, make them do some chores with you.

Ok, and what is the further escalation if she continues and does something multiple times in a day say?

what I would do is at the weekend have a ‘family meeting’ with them and discuss what are the new rules around bedtime and how we talk to each other. They need to understand the new boundaries and why. Do it when you are calm and it’s not a telling off. Then go for a really easy reward chart thing and tell them what they get, or what they get removed (up to you). You need to think through an escalation and reward system. Firstly it’s an apology say, then a confiscation of favourite toy etc. Likewise rewards.

This is really just about setting boundaries; them understanding them and you/DH following through.

Good luck 🤞

You might be surprised. If you put your foot down once to the 7 year old and follow through, she might take you more seriously. She'll prob get a shock but don't give in.

5 goes off her head if her dad tries to do bedtime. Then I swap in because she’s so distressed and he gets annoyed at me for pandering to a tantrum. Which is probably fair but it just sounds so upsetting.

Leave during bedtime. Once she knows your not there she'll settle.

Go out. Don't be there for bedtime. Let your husband sort this out for once. You're right - they are running rings round you and you both need to be on board.

I've got a few suggestions.

First, reframe a couple of things in your head. The positives. You say they read a lot of books which is great (pat on back for mum).

Second - it is the summer holidays - you are still working but you have kind of got a mismatch of timetables to deal with - as well as everything else. Meaning they DO tend to stay up later - they don't have to get up in the morning but you do. Cut yourself some slack on that one, it's tough.

Third: and this may seem like an off the wall suggestion but a cineworld card is 14.99 a month. If cinema is not far away - take yourself there at least once a week (worth the card)- around bedtime and leave them to it. They will have to copy then. You can also use the card to escape when it is all getting too much.

It won't immediately change your life but it helps. Re the chores: you can introduce giving them an allowance in exchange for doing one chore like cleaning the bathroom once a week.

For the other one - another chore. They don't do the chores - they don't get the allowance. And you need to stick to your boundaries on that one.

Finally, prepare for them being teenagers! You really need to work on boundaries like this because if you haven't go them now, believe you me you don't stand a chance later when they really push the boundaries.

cope not copy.

You could go to cinema EVERY night for the first week and it won't cost you any extra. (buy your own popcorn though).

I agree with your husband- you're pandering to a tantrum if you swoop in. Unless he's walloping them from here to next week you don't need to step in. She's having a tantrum because she's not getting her own way. Then, lo and behold, you appear and take over and she gets what she wants thanks to the tantrum, and you and your husband are left frazzled and resentful.