I am so overwhelmed

[FlorDeMayoByTheMile]

I feel really low.

I have two girls - 7 and 5. I love the bones of them but I’m struggling. I’m a crap mum to them, I don’t know how to be a mum.

They’re usually at school and nursery. its the school hols and I’ve been trying to take them out (when I’m not working) - evenings etc. On their bikes, cinema, swimming etc. it’s never enough. They’re always bickering, moaning, 7 year old is just so cheeky and moody. 5 is clingy and needy and won’t go to sleep by herself so I have to lie on her floor till she decides to try. 7 keeps herself awake till 11pm and constantly interrupts any time I get to myself. I am trying my best, I really am, but it’s so relentless.

I have a stressful, professional job. The stress just dominates my thoughts 24/7 but I can’t take a pay cut so I’m stuck.

House is a tip. I simply don’t have the energy. Can’t afford a cleaner (and as the kids are so messy I don’t even see the point right now). Relationship with husband is generally good but I wish he would do more off his own back (standard). We don’t have much support in terms of childcare.

Parents live a couple of hours away. I go and see them fairly regularly but they never, ever come here. The resentment is growing and growing.

it’s just all so fucking relentless.

So tonight go out and leave dh to it, break the cycle

And even at five they can tidy a cupboard out or sort washing or something.

I have to be honest, until you mentioned your DH I had presumed you were a single parent. You shouldn't be bearing all of this yourself, you are meant to be parenting together. And I do understand, I work full time (only returned last year after SAHM for 4 years) and have 2 girls 8 and 6, and a husband who does his fair share, and I still feel overwhelmed at times. My husband works about 70 hours a week and I do 'only' 45 in our small business, so the majority of the house still falls to me. I do all school stuff, all after school activities, washing, shopping, cooking, meal planning. We have a weekly cleaner and a lady who does the ironing (I realise we are lucky) and yet still it's a lot. So I totally get it.

Most importantly can DH step up and do his share? Or is he working a lot more than you? If not this set up is unfair. You need a serious conversation.

You say they don't use tech, I'm probably doing to get flamed here but let them have half an hour or an hour of screen time a day. I do this so I can do yoga on an evening, it's the only way to get any quiet (girls just never stop talking do they ha ha) and is massively beneficial to my mental health. Cut yourself some slack.

Can they do some holiday clubs if you can afford it? That way they're doing some activities and when they're with you, you won't feel like you 'should' be going out and doing things all the time. You can maybe relax at home together?

I understand that tidying up is easier to just do yourself, but stop. I have had to stop myself doing it and stand over the kids to make them tidy up every evening even though it takes twice as long.

I would look at finances to see if you can save anywhere to spend money to make your life a little easier - after school club, shopping delivery, meal prep boxes, cleaner, ironer. I would rather get rid of my Sky subscription and keep the cleaner to be honest.

Lower your standards re cleaning, working and parenting is tough. You say you're a rubbish mum, seriously you aren't. You're on here asking for advice and you're trying your best, to me that shows you are a great mum!

OP my DC would be like this if we let them. We get a lot of bound

posted to soon!

we get a lot of boundary pushing but we have had to lay down the law to them and have consequences for actions (always follow through!)

Just tell them how it is. You are the adult.

My husband also works a stressful, professional job and yeah he works more hours than me (but not that many). He does quite a lot but I think what gets to me is that he needs to be asked/told. Like he will clean the kitchen after dinner. He does half the cooking. But the mental load is all mine. If I ask him to clean a bathroom for example he will do it happily but it wouldn’t occur to him that it needs doing if that makes sense.

The kids adore him and they play a lot etc but they don’t want him at bedtime. He does try. He’s harder with them than I am and I guess this is why. I do need to let him do it (and he would happily) but I can’t bear the screaming and tantrums and shouting and how fraught it all is.

It just feels like everything is a battle. Getting them to eat their tea. Getting them to tidy anything. Getting thrm
into the shower.

I’m just feeling so ground down by it all

Google the Supernanny Stay in Bed Technique. There are clips on YouTube or Facebook. She talks through each step clearly and it is really good to see the expectations/results. It always works but you will have a tough evening implementing it. Worth it though.

Do a rota with bedtimes. One at one night, one the next night.

Personally, I'm

It's good your husband is wanting to put them in bed but not good you give in to them . If I were you I would do this - dh baths them , pj's teeth , you stay downstairs. When they are in bed and quiet you go up , do not give in to any demands to go up earlier . You then read to them for 15 mins , chat to them for ten mins I always do the ' what's been the best but about your day ?/ funniest thing ?' You leave the room . Any shouting /crying /tantrums you go back in tell them to sleep shut the door . If they come down again you take them up put them in bed and don't speak , on repeat. They will soon learn there is no benefit to being out of bed will probably take 4-7 nights but you have to stick to it .

Right. Firstly you're not a bad parent. I can already tell you aren't. Good parents are those that recognise they have a problem and want to do something about it.

So what do you do? You say to you child, in bed or no X tomorrow. You think carefully what they wouldn't want to lose.
If they don't, you follow through. They will test you, because they want to see if you mean it.
Show them you do.
If that means you get tears and tantrums for a day then so be it.
You need to be strong here. It will pay off, I promise you.

I'd take control of this yourself to begin with. Yes your DH needs to help more, but deal with that once you've got a better handle on the bedtime situation.