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Original poster

'Shut up' - what would you do in this situation?

34 replies

summerandsun · 05/07/2022 15:12

My teen is generally a good kid but has moments when asked to do things or when (in DC's mind I'm nagging) they may shout 'shut up', 'idiot' or similar.

DH thinks we need to be zero tolerance and that DC should not talk to me (us) in that manner that we should enforce consequences whereas I'm mostly, for an easy life, let it pass.

What would you do and which consequences have worked for you?

OP posts:

nbrown2022x · 05/07/2022 15:14

I agree with your DH. If you ignore for an easy life, then you're just making your life difficult for yourself as they get older. I would definitely enforce consequences for bad behaviour and bad attitude. So for example, no television, mobile, curfew. X

Skinnermarink · 05/07/2022 15:18

Absolutely bloody not! Would they be telling a teacher to shut up? Why not?

It’s totally rude and disrespectful and letting it go isn’t an easy life in the long run, at all.

LaughandGiggle · 05/07/2022 15:20

I think if my early teen kids said that to me, they would get an "Excuse me?" They would know from my tone that's not how we speak to our parents and I'd remind them of that. I'm not their mate!

Deffo pull them up on it and discipline if it continues.

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mbosnz · 05/07/2022 15:20

I agree with your DH. I don't tell my kids to shut up, or call them an idiot, and I'm damned if I'd tolerate that from them. That would be an immediate withdrawal of Mum and Dad privileges - e.g. washing, ironing, taxi-ing, and a definite and very evident withdrawal of fucks given about what they'd like to see on the menu and in the fridge, until they got the message, loud and clear.

easyday · 05/07/2022 15:21

So how do people stop their teen from doing this? Have to say once my kid was 16 it was very hard to enforce not using bad language.

Cas112 · 05/07/2022 15:22

Never acceptable

If you allow it once, why wouldn't it be allowed next time. Why would you even want to let them get away with speaking to you like that?

Hoppinggreen · 05/07/2022 15:23

my teens wouldn’t tell me to shut up, however if their tone is unacceptable I tend to just fix them with a look and say “that was rude” and they apologise.
Its worked so far, even with 13 year old 6ft DS who likes to push it a bit

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2022 15:23

easyday · 05/07/2022 15:21

So how do people stop their teen from doing this? Have to say once my kid was 16 it was very hard to enforce not using bad language.

Bad language is fine, I'm not fussed. Telling someone else they are an idiot is not fine. And has consequences.

Topseyt123 · 05/07/2022 15:28

Of course you tell them sternly not to speak to you in that way! You don't just let it go.

Blimey, I even had to tell my 23 year old the other day when she pushed things a bit too far, and you don't really parent a 23 year old. I refuse to put up with rudeness though, so she was pulled up on it.

MrsPartridgeKleio · 05/07/2022 15:30

Zero tolerance. I have never allowed my two to call anyone an idiot or stupid or tell someone to shut up. They are teens now and still don't.

SarahShorty · 05/07/2022 15:34

Definitely should get a grip on it. It's the easier/quiet life attitude that is responsible for the chaos we have today. Put your foot down hard and nip this in the bud.

AppleHa · 05/07/2022 15:36

I remember reading a column on teenagers in one of the papers when mine were very little and being absolutely gobsmacked at the way those teens spoke to their mother, and thinking there is no way I want that to happen. So I have always been zero tolerance on rudeness, picked it up every time, and now they are teens I actually can't imagine them telling me to shut up or calling me an idiot, in the same way I would never have dreamt of saying anything like that to my mother. I do think it is important they treat people respectfully, whether that is me or future partners. I would also never tell my DH to shut up or call him an idiot and vice versa. They do call each other idiots and tell each other to shut up though!

EnterACloud · 05/07/2022 15:36

I agree with your husband. If they're muttering to themselves and it's not for you to hear I would probably let it pass. If they're saying it to you I would crack down now. They do not get to call you an idiot or tell you to shut up, it's rude. Treat them like you would if they said this to your mum/friend/their teacher. If you let them call you this not only will they continue to lose respect for you, they're more likely to behave like this with others too.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/07/2022 15:37

As I navigated the teen years I was surprised at certain things where I became more lenient than expected, picking my battles.

However, speaking to me like that I’d develop a red mist. I agree with your DH, zero tolerance. I have a friend who laughs this off and it just sounds horrible.

Georgeskitchen · 05/07/2022 15:40

If I had spoken to my mother like that I would have earned a thick ear from my Dad. That's why I didn't do it

VariationsonaTheme · 05/07/2022 15:49

I let my teens get away with a lot, but not rudeness. It’s never been ok to say those things, and if they tried they get ‘the look’ and an apology is forthcoming.

gamerchick · 05/07/2022 15:55

LaughandGiggle · 05/07/2022 15:20

I think if my early teen kids said that to me, they would get an "Excuse me?" They would know from my tone that's not how we speak to our parents and I'd remind them of that. I'm not their mate!

Deffo pull them up on it and discipline if it continues.

I have done this in the past. As well as advance slowly and calmly ask them to repeat what they've just said. 9/10 they don't say it again unless they're really cross and in that case will wait until they've calmed down and ask them to repeat it. Zero tolerance for that shit.

Mind I have had 'i stuck my fingers up at you in my head mam' a chunk of time after the fact which always made me chuckle.

I would have lost my head if I spoke to either of my parents like that back in the day.

Never let shit go for an easy life, it bites you on the arse later

easyday · 05/07/2022 16:10

But that's the thing - I found it can just escalate. I could well see his dad (deceased) saying 'don't speak to your mother like that' but if I say it it doesn't do anything. It did when he was a young teen, and now he is almost 19 he can control himself more but for two or three years it was awful. He always apologised afterwards but he could get very intimidating. A 'stern look' certainly didnt do it.

AlisonDonut · 05/07/2022 16:12

Why don't you take them at their word. Don't offer food, washing, lifts, pocket money, phone bill paid, internet password etc etc etc and see where that gets them. In fact, I'd say it was a good time to get them to start pulling their socks up if they think that will get them anywhere.

itsgettingweird · 05/07/2022 16:14

If my ds called me an idiot I'd agree.

I'd be too idiotic to be able to cook, clean, do a food shop, drive a car - you get the picture!

fruitypancake · 05/07/2022 16:15

I would warn them that not acceptable and if they do it again what the consequence will be - loss of tv or phone for a short period- whatever will hit hard but say 30 mins. Consequence needs to be immediate and fitting .. not not no tv for a week etc . Also correct with what you would like them to say E.g 'excuse me mum but do you mind talking to me when this program/game has finished etc

AdoraBell · 05/07/2022 16:24

DH once said that to me, only once. The next time he spoke to me I just looked at him. After repeating himself 3 times he asked what was wrong with me. I wrote “you told me to shut up”

Your DH is right, pull them up every time. Either do as suggested and stop doing things for them like laundry, money etc. or if the look or Excuse me in your Mum voice will work then do that.

RockinHorseShit · 05/07/2022 16:28

Your DH is right, your in for a very rocky ride with your teens if you let them disrespect you like this. You are also teaching them that it's okay to speak to partners in the same way. I'm all for picking your battles with teens, but this is definitely not something I'd let go. I had similar from DD recently, she's officially an adult now, but I'll be damned if I'm doing anything for her until she apologises & she's been told that & is beginning to notice I'm sticking to my guns

RockinHorseShit · 05/07/2022 16:29

You're 🥴

Original poster

summerandsun · 05/07/2022 16:37

LaughandGiggle · 05/07/2022 15:20

I think if my early teen kids said that to me, they would get an "Excuse me?" They would know from my tone that's not how we speak to our parents and I'd remind them of that. I'm not their mate!

Deffo pull them up on it and discipline if it continues.

Actually this is the sort of thing I do too. Or I'd say, " how could you say that in a polite/nicer way?". Most of the time, it is under my teen's breath so I must admit, I do let it pass sometimes. But of course I should make sure there are consistent consequences.

Just FYI, teen has never had anyone else ever pull him up on his language (school, friends, family etc) and performs well at school and never has detentions. In case anyone thought he was some sort of delinquent and we were totally permissive. ;)

OP posts:

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