'Shut up' - what would you do in this situation?

[summerandsun]

My teen is generally a good kid but has moments when asked to do things or when (in DC's mind I'm nagging) they may shout 'shut up', 'idiot' or similar.

DH thinks we need to be zero tolerance and that DC should not talk to me (us) in that manner that we should enforce consequences whereas I'm mostly, for an easy life, let it pass.

What would you do and which consequences have worked for you?

Just FYI, teen has never had anyone else ever pull him up on his language (school, friends, family etc) and performs well at school and never has detentions. In case anyone thought he was some sort of delinquent and we were totally permissive. ;)

Not at all, mine is exactly like this too. They save up all of their disrespectful crap for us parents

Oh, the dear old muttering under the breath trick! One of mine is particularly bad for this.

When it's got to the point that ignore it is insufficient, I tend to say, 'DD? Do you care to come and say exactly what you just muttered under your breath, clearly, to my face? Because if you haven't got the balls to do that, keep your words in your head, where they'll cause you far less trouble.'

She's never quite had the gumption to do it, so far. . . because I'm known for being very creative in conceiving of consequences. . .

The rudeness is not acceptable but from what you say it sounds like this is a mostly good teen so I don't think you have to worry about this too much. Just when it happens point out that it's not acceptable.

However I would caution to make sure you are treating your teen with the same sort of respect that you expect from them. My parents weren't like that, it was very much a case of teens are still children and have no rights, opinions or feelings etc., should be seen and not heard 🙄. I know they often considered me rude because I did sometimes snap and I know I told my mother to shut up more than once but honestly it was because she pushed and pushed and wouldn't leave things alone (nagged in other words), and I remember asking nicely for her to drop it or leave me alone or telling her it wasn't something I could handle right now, until I just couldn't take it anymore. She has form for this kind of behaviour. If she could have treated me like a human being (she would never treat adult friends or colleagues the same way), I wouldn't have panicked, because that's all it was. I'd tried to handle it nicely and didn't get anywhere and just wasn't mature enough to have the tools to deal with it any other way.

So yes, your teen is in the wrong but ask yourself if you really need to be 'nagging'?

Honestly I'd just switch the WiFi off for a bit until I feel like it's annoyed them as much as they have been rude to me!

I've had 5 kids teen & older, and I've always been zero tolerance for this. No way would I allow them to be rude to me. Your DH is right on this and if you back each other up, it will show him it's not acceptable and that you have each other's backs. I have known other parents who let this sort of thing pass and I think generally it has been the thin end of the wedge and the parent loses authority. I'm not am authoritarian parent - I'm still on great terms with my adult children and they do tell me frankly when they think I'm wrong! But this sort of thing is non-negotiable as a basic standard for civilised behaviour in the house. I don't speak to them like that, and they don't speak to me like that. Any time it happened, I have called it out right away, said it's not acceptable, and threatened the immediate withdrawal of privileges, help, whatever. Don't let this slide - you'll make a rod for your own back.

By not letting it start. Don't use language like that toward them or others. Don't ignore a snarky tone. Call them on it every time. Parenting is not an easy life.

DH once said that to me, only once. The next time he spoke to me I just looked at him. After repeating himself 3 times he asked what was wrong with me. I wrote “you told me to shut up”

Pretty much what I was going to suggest. When he asks for a lift/money/why he hasn't got any clean clothes, just look at him without a word. I like the idea of the written message - maybe have it ready in your pocket so he can see you mean business if you've prepared it in advance. Then when you've shown it to him, turn round and walk away.

Honestly I'd just switch the WiFi off for a bit until I feel like it's annoyed them as much as they have been rude to me!

That only works if you don't have a clever one & no cafes or pubs nearby.

It took us six months to realise that the reason our then 13yo DD didn't kick off when we switched off the wifi, was that she had somehow got her hands onto the wifi password for a nearby pub 🥴

Absolutely not to be tolerated. If it starts with 'shut up' and 'idiot' it might well move on to much worse language if you don't put your foot down.

How could anyone let their kid call them an idiot!?