Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

11 yr old cousin being sexually inappropriate with my daughter

42 replies

onanamechsnge54321 · 03/07/2022 17:45

just wanted some thoughts on this situation, as to how to handle
it.
My nephew is in year 7, 11 years old. My daughter is 10.
My daughter told me that when they were alone together a few months ago he started masturbating in front
of her and said he was "going to
come" and wouldn't stop
when she asked him to.
I spoke to my sister, who said he totally denied it and she also
questioned my daughter leaving it so long to tell what happened, so basically accusing her of making it up. I messaged her to say that I absolutely believed my daughter and she's not spoken to me
since. How to handle? I'm
concerned that nephew thinks he can lie about this and get away with it.

OP posts:
howdoesatoastermaketoast · 03/07/2022 17:48

he never sets foot in your house again

dd never sees him again

nc with anyone who has shit to say about this boundary

Personally I probably wouldn't do police due to age and not really thinking they're always helpful but that's just me.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 03/07/2022 17:49

You inform his school if you know where he goes, inappropriate sexual behaviour is a sign of having been sexually abused or watching inappropriate content whether your sister knows about it or not. And then you never leave the two of them alone together.

If your DD was to talk about this at school her teachers will have to follow their safeguarding procedure.

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 03/07/2022 17:49

Your dsis is lucky the police haven't been knocking. Or SS.. Moving forward your dd never spends time with him.

WhiskerPatrol · 03/07/2022 17:49

Not sure what you can do other than reassure your DD that you believe her and she was right to tell you, and if you ever do see them again, don't leave the children alone together. Do they live near you/do you usually see them often? Are you and your sister close?

KittyCatsby · 03/07/2022 17:50

He was ' testing the waters ' with your dd. You'd do right by ensuring they are never alone again.

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/07/2022 17:51

Keep her away from him and don't bother trying to contact your sister. Your daughter probably took a while to tell you about it because she didn't have the words to explain it when it happened.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 03/07/2022 17:52

Make it clear to your daughter that you believe her and you will not leave her alone with him ever again.

You've done everything you can by telling his parents. His parents' reaction is disgusting and is part of the reason we have such a problem with abusive boys/men. Police are unlikely to take it seriously due to his age, etc.

Keep your eye on him and minimise the occasions where you have to see him.

sausagepastapot · 03/07/2022 17:53

This needs a trigger warning @mnhq

Stay away from him and your sister forever, basically. This is totally fucked up.

Mommaoftwo2 · 03/07/2022 17:59

So sorry this has happened. For the people saying he is sick and to stay away from him I think is really out of order. I work in a school and unfortunately have had to deal with this type of thing. It normally does turn out that the child with the inappropriate behaviour has been abused or has seen something they shouldn't have done.

How is your daughter now? Do you think she would benefit from speaking to a councillor? I think the best thing would be to speak to her school safe guarding lead and explain the situation, they will normally have resources in place to be able to help her deal with the emotions around this.

I would also speak to the safe guarding lead at your nephews school and call social services to see what there view is on what you should do next. They will most likely want to speak to the children and see what happened and if something untoward has also happened to your nephew to make him think this behaviour is normal. What's his life like at home?

Eatingchips · 03/07/2022 18:00

That is serious sexual abuse of your daughter and I would escalate it so that your sister is forced to take action. As someone said up thread it is likely that he is misusing porn or is experiencing sexualised behaviour elsewhere to even try this out. What you are experiencing is absolutely typical of how sexual abuse is handled by parents of offenders. Typically it isn’t.

Your daughter is likely to be seriously traumatised by this and although it is not your problem, your nephew needs serious help which at the moment your sister cannot give him.

bellac11 · 03/07/2022 18:00

Its very difficult at this age as children will start experimenting and exploring by themselves or with each other. However the key thing here is that this seems uninvited and then he didnt stop when she asked him to, then the layer on top of that is that rather than your sister use it as an opportunity to explore issues of consent/sexually appropriate behaviour she chose to sweep it under the carpet and disbelieve your daughter to boot

If she cant manage this appropriately and work with it, then you're best to ignore her and you and your daughter dont see him or her.

Mommaoftwo2 · 03/07/2022 18:01

Forgot to add that obviously they shouldn't be left alone together from now on

RedPlumbob · 03/07/2022 18:02

Eatingchips · 03/07/2022 18:00

That is serious sexual abuse of your daughter and I would escalate it so that your sister is forced to take action. As someone said up thread it is likely that he is misusing porn or is experiencing sexualised behaviour elsewhere to even try this out. What you are experiencing is absolutely typical of how sexual abuse is handled by parents of offenders. Typically it isn’t.

Your daughter is likely to be seriously traumatised by this and although it is not your problem, your nephew needs serious help which at the moment your sister cannot give him.

This.

KangarooKenny · 03/07/2022 18:05

I don’t think she should ever have to see him again if doing so makes her uncomfortable.
And it goes without saying that they should never be alone.
Id suspect that it won’t be the last time he does this, unfortunately.

Throughabushbackwards · 03/07/2022 18:07

I would report it to his school. Let the DSL handle it from there. Sorry this happened to your DD Flowers

caramac04 · 03/07/2022 18:11

What @HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime said.
Schools of both children should be informed as an absolute minimum.
If this behaviour (sexual abuse of a child by a child) is ignored then it is likely to be repeated and escalated.

Testina · 03/07/2022 18:13

Inform the school and don’t have in your home again.

Original poster
onanamechsnge54321 · 03/07/2022 18:29

we don't see each other often as there's a fair distance between us. Our Mum always always sides with her so if she catches wind of this, I'm certain she'll dismiss it as innocent and exploration.
In fact; that's what my sister said in response to me initially: that she was sure if it was innocent. How can it be? Especially at that age! He knew what he was doing. And questioning my daughters motives for waiting a few months to tell us and the fact we've had a visit since then (where nothing
happened) suggesting that my daughter might be telling a story. Horrible. Sends an awful message to my nephew. I'll speak to my daughters school. Not sure about his school. Would they think it was relevant as it happened outside of school and not with another of their pupils?

OP posts:
QuizzlyBears · 03/07/2022 18:38

Report it to the school safeguarding lead - if he’s doing that outside of school then it’s totally relevant for them to know to inform their safeguarding in school. I would also ring through to your local children’s services advice and duty line or the NSPCC - both for reporting and how to support your daughter as a victim.

Riverlee · 03/07/2022 18:39

I don’t a ten year old would making this up. It’s probably taken this long for her to process it, and to pluck up the courage to tell you.

I also question why an eleven year would do this. It does need investigating. Most 11 years wouldn’t consider this or use that=language. Where is he getting it from?

Eightiesfan · 03/07/2022 18:40

Absolutely ban him from your house and never allow your daughter to be around him at family events. As for

Eightiesfan · 03/07/2022 18:42

Eightiesfan · 03/07/2022 18:40

Absolutely ban him from your house and never allow your daughter to be around him at family events. As for

Your sister, I can understand her believing her son, who would want to believe their child is a rapey predator. But if it was me it would be no contact.

GettingItOutThere · 03/07/2022 18:42

Testina · 03/07/2022 18:13

Inform the school and don’t have in your home again.

this - and never have them alone together in any situation again

your nephew needs help, no "normal" child would do this in front of another especialyl his cousin

Frenchfancy · 03/07/2022 18:44

Stand by your daughter and don't see your nephew again, even if it means losing contact with your sister.

FiveHargreeves · 03/07/2022 18:52

You definitely need to report it to someone on the safeguarding team at your nephews school. There is the possibility that he needs some protection as the behaviour he has exhibited is not the norm

It is your responsibility to report it. Especially as you are his aunt.

Phone the school and say 'I'd like to speak to someone on the safeguarding team please' and tell them what happened.

It's not pleasant but unfortunately it has to be done. Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread