11 yr old cousin being sexually inappropriate with my daughter

[onanamechsnge54321]

just wanted some thoughts on this situation, as to how to handle
it.
My nephew is in year 7, 11 years old. My daughter is 10.
My daughter told me that when they were alone together a few months ago he started masturbating in front
of her and said he was "going to
come" and wouldn't stop
when she asked him to.
I spoke to my sister, who said he totally denied it and she also
questioned my daughter leaving it so long to tell what happened, so basically accusing her of making it up. I messaged her to say that I absolutely believed my daughter and she's not spoken to me
since. How to handle? I'm
concerned that nephew thinks he can lie about this and get away with it.

DEFINITELY tell your sister's child's school too. The safeguarding lead absolutely needs to have this on her/his radar. This boy needs help and support and other children around him may well need protection too.

To be honest the level of sexualised behaviour is a huge red flag, he has either suffered from or witnessed some level of abuse or he’s been watching porn.

To be honest I would report this to the police. What happened to your daughter was coercive and is considered sexual abuse, despite the boys age. Even if the police don’t do anything it will be on record, and god forbid his behaviour escalates you will know you have done all you could.

There have been many instances of young girls being raped in school by their classmates in whilst in junior schools, so I would be taking no risks with my DD. Your sister is an idiot to ignore this, she should be checking his phone, laptop etc.

Isn’t the title illuminating enough already

Police are unlikely to take it seriously due to his age, etc

i think the police will take it seriously, precisely because of his age.

this type of behaviour tends to escalate, so there will be referrals and monitoring to try and help him now, before he starts committing serious sexual crime.

it will also mean there is a record, and if there’s another incident they will be all over it.

I agree that this definitively needs reporting to your nephew’s school DSL. They will want to know, despite it being out of school. This is very worrying indeed and he needs help before his behaviour escalated.

*escalates

The one positive is that your Dd felt able to tell you x

The school needs to know as pps have said. There is likely a lot more to this and what has led him to behave like this eg he's experienced abuse, been exposed to porn etc etc But yes, important that your dd knows you believe her and that you don't minimise it.

He's never going to admit it to his mom is he, because he knows what he did was wrong.

I agree with everyone else. Report and have no further contact.

Obviously no contact with him or your sister, make sure that your daughter knows that you believe her and will support her, seek support for her but also for you. If your mum has similar views to your sister then farewell to her too.
I would speak to the police because they can signpost to appropriate support for your daughter.

I would worry that he has been exposed to sexualised behaviour/sexually abused himself.

Definitely call the NSPCC, they will be very helpful and able to advise

The most likely explanation here is that your nephew is himself the victim of sexual abuse. Please tell the police and his school.

It needs to be reported to the safeguarding leads at both schools, who will deal with it calmly. They’ll be able to help your daughter with counselling if she would like that, and will investigate what is going on with your nephew - it seems very likely he under some influence, or potentially abuse, as this isn’t typical 11 year old behaviour or language.

You will need to write your sister an email at some point, explaining that you do not think your nephew is a bad kid (I assume you don’t, as you haven’t said that), but that you do believe your daughter and think your nephew has come under some bad influence which needs investigating for his sake, or he could get in serious trouble when he’s older.

The ‘never see your nephew again’ posts are OTT. Of course you might choose not too, but he’s 11 - he didn’t come up with this Alone and he isn’t necessarily a terrible person.

Boys can be disgusting. At 11, he is pretty young to be doing this so I would be very concerned. I am appalled that mothers are still minimising such behaviour in this day and age. My mother allowed my brother to do this to me. Just shouted at him a bit. I was about 11/12 when it started and he a bit older. No touching. It was to show his absolute power over me and demean me into a nothing in every way possible. His friends got their dicks out in front of me several times and sometimes in front of my friends if I had someone over. It didn’t stop until he was about 18. I am still full of many conflicting emotions when I think back to those times. Luckily for me it was all about them and not about physical touching. But yes, it is sexual assault.

i also think you should report this to the school. Perhaps the police. If he has done it to your dd, he will likely do it to another girl.

Does he have access to any other children?

This never just happens with one child if there's opportunity for more.

The police won't do anything without physical/ taped evidence.

But social services would investigate the family. He may be being sexually abused himself so he needs assessed. Then other potential victims taken into consideration and protected.

Does he live with any non blood relative adult males? I would be wary of any potential perpetrators in this situation.

"Does he live with any non blood relative adult males? I would be wary of any potential perpetrators in this situation."

Yes. My sister clumsily implied she'd found smutty stuff on his phone about 6 months ago and now I'm wondering what this was. Porn probably.

"Boys can be disgusting. At 11, he is pretty young to be doing this so I would be very concerned. I am appalled that mothers are still minimising such behaviour in this day and age. My mother allowed my brother to do this to me. Just shouted at him a bit. I was about 11/12 when it started and he a bit older. No touching. It was to show his absolute power over me and demean me into a nothing in every way possible. His friends got their dicks out in front of me several times and sometimes in front of my friends if I had someone over. It didn’t stop until he was about 18. I am still full of many conflicting emotions when I think back to those times. Luckily for me it was all about them and not about physical touching. But yes, it is sexual assault. "

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I don't have sons, but would like to think that I'd challenge rather than minimise if this sort of thing happened.