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Original poster

Why is my dd not being invited to parties...

41 replies

Schoolfriendhelp · 03/07/2022 16:54

Started school in reception in September. This is the first time of trying to navigate school and building friendships so looking for advice or guidance on what i should do or think.

My dds birthday is in the summer so not had her party yet but now we are coming to to the end of the school year I realise she has only been invited to 4 parties, 1 was a friend in the other class (same year ), 2 were whole class invites and the 4th I made friends with the mum as they live nearby.

Through the mum friend I am aware there have been several other parties she hasn't been invited too but her ds has been and with 30 kids in the class I am surprised there haven't been more invites.

She is very young in the year (possibly the youngest) but has never been shy or timid even has a toddler. We encourage kind play and sharing. I am aware she makes friends with older kids due to after school clubs but always tells me of the kids she plays with in her class and they will say hello to her as we go in to school etc. Doesn't play with all of them though, which came apparent when we were doing her party invites .

She had chosen 16 friends for her party, we are having it at home so can't realistically fit 30+ kids and parents in the house especially if it's raining and too late to change plans now.

Is it me.... am I the reason why parents don't want to put my child on the invite list... is it her... is she destined to not have friends? What am I doing wrong?

This is now starting to upset me... being a summer born and struggling with friendships I don't want the same for her.

What can I do when we start the new school year to make sure she is more included and building friendships?

(On the plus side I haven't had to shell out loads of money on presents!)

OP posts:
Oojamaflipp · 03/07/2022 16:57

I think you have probably answered your own question - you intend to invite 16 out of 30 because of space, I imagine the others are doing similar. Or because of costs etc.

To be honest, 4 across the year isn't bad. My son has sen and very rarely gets invited to any.

Overthebow · 03/07/2022 16:59

Yep you’ve done the same thing, invited 16 out of 30 so left 14 out.

femmemara · 03/07/2022 17:01

Everyone is skint this year.

It's very likely that lots of other class parents did smaller parties too - so just half the class or less.

Is 4 parties really that bad?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Primary education
DomPerignon12 · 03/07/2022 17:27

Why are you so bothered as long as she’s happy?
Her friends may not be the party types (DP certainly never had a children’s party. He hated them, unlike his more sociable and NT sister).
Other people may have had smaller parties.

Why is her sister mentioned - don’t understand how they can be invited to the same parties?

DomPerignon12 · 03/07/2022 17:29

Also to add I’m always surprised by the scale of parties on MN. So many people are barely getting by, let alone being able to afford parties, and children below the age of 10 are too young to remember anyway

RedWingBoots · 03/07/2022 17:34

I was talking to my DP the other day and we realised this year's birthday party for my DD will be her biggest until she is an adult.

She will be 4 in early autumn and due to the date of her birthday she won't have a party when she is at school until she is 6.

By then everyone will be broke so it's unlikely we will be able to afford to host a class party.

WishingWell5 · 03/07/2022 17:35

Honestly if you are worried the only thing you can do is to try to make more of an active effort to get to know the parents. In our school it tends to be whole class invites via the WhatsApp class group, but I have noticed people who do smaller parties tend to ask their friends at this age. I am quite a socially awkward person deep down but I do spend a lot of time investing in school relationships and play dates because it's something I never had as a child. But my children go to a small village school so it might be quite different to other schools. I also do invite the whole class to parties.

Overthebow · 03/07/2022 17:36

DomPerignon12 · 03/07/2022 17:29

Also to add I’m always surprised by the scale of parties on MN. So many people are barely getting by, let alone being able to afford parties, and children below the age of 10 are too young to remember anyway

they would have to have a pretty bad memory not to remember below the age of 10!

RedWingBoots · 03/07/2022 17:37

@DomPerignon12 I remember my 5th birthday party because it was shit. I only had 2 children there I wanted. One of the kids there my mum invited was a spoilt brat. He grabbed everything and was rude to my older sister who tried to make him behave.

My DP remembers his own because he threw up.

DelurkingAJ · 03/07/2022 17:38

I found that in Reception you had to be friends with the child’s DM to get an invitation. To the extent that one DM told me her DD played with DS1 every day and wasn’t it charming, her DD came to DS1’s party and no invitation back. I asked a mutual friend who asked and was told that ‘as DelurkingAJ isn’t on a school gate I don’t really know her so I didn’t invite DS1’. I was honestly pretty gobsmacked as I had naively thought the party was for her DD! It’s slowly getting better.

Aria999 · 03/07/2022 17:38

I don't think there has to be a deep reason.

If people were inviting the whole class except for her you could start to worry, but otherwise it's just how it goes.

Ihatethenewlook · 03/07/2022 17:40

‘Only’ 4? I think that’s quite good. My ds has been invited to one and I know he’s popular with a lot of friends. I know a few of his closest friends got taken for days/meals out with their families rather than having a party.

ComDummings · 03/07/2022 17:41

4 parties is a lot IMO

Violinist64 · 03/07/2022 17:42

My three children are grown up now and I don’t understand this modern trend of whole class parties. We used to have a total number of around twelve children at their parties, which included them and two cousins - therefore seven friends could be invited. This was more than enough. We used to hire a room and have traditional parties with games and tea and the children loved them. I can’t remember how many parties they went to but they certainly would not have been to more than four or five in a year and I would imagine this was true for most children.

UndertheCedartree · 03/07/2022 17:42

Have you done many play dates with her friends? That's good for getting to know the parents. You could maybe do some days out or park meet ups with her friends over the Summer?

IncessantNameChanger · 03/07/2022 17:47

My dd didnt get invited to a whole class party for two boys having a joint party. It did smart that neither of them wanted abted her there. One of the mums was saying to another mum.in front of me how popular her dd was and how her son wanted her at the party knowing my dd wasnt invited but meh, she cant be liked by everyone

But dd is having a big party, she could invite the entire class but there are kids she simply doesnt like. Theres only one child I dont want there but hes bound to come with his brother who swears a lot and as a parent of kids with SEN I dont want that drama.

At the end of the day if your child is happy that's all that matters.

daisypond · 03/07/2022 17:47

I think four parties in a year is a decent number. In my DC primary school, only about a third of children have any sort of party. The others will do something only with their family, if they do anything at all. Never heard of whole class parties. I think 16 is far too many to invite to a five-year-old’s party, personally. Most people would only invite a small handful of children where I am.

UndertheCedartree · 03/07/2022 17:47

Violinist64 · 03/07/2022 17:42

My three children are grown up now and I don’t understand this modern trend of whole class parties. We used to have a total number of around twelve children at their parties, which included them and two cousins - therefore seven friends could be invited. This was more than enough. We used to hire a room and have traditional parties with games and tea and the children loved them. I can’t remember how many parties they went to but they certainly would not have been to more than four or five in a year and I would imagine this was true for most children.

I don't think it's a 'modern trend'. We had whole class parties sometimes when I was young and sometimes we had something smaller, the same as DC tend to now.

PeekAtYou · 03/07/2022 17:48

Reception parties are often a continuation of nursery so the friends of the mum dominate. Plus like you they might invite had the class or just the boys/girls which reduces invites. Some kids have lots of friends outside school say cousins, friends from hobbies etc so might only invite half the class for that reason. Some people do a expensive family trip rather than a party eg theme park

As your dd gets older and parties end up being a handful of the closest friends then it will be easier.

Violinist64 · 03/07/2022 17:48

Also, thinking back to my birthday parties as a child, they were always at home with a few friends and we played party games and had a party tea. This was how birthdays were celebrated in the sixties and seventies. I expect l went to around four or five birthday parties a year, too. At that time, if we had had whole class parties, there would have been between thirty-five and forty children in attendance. A nightmare. The joys of being born in a time of a high birth rate.

NancyJoan · 03/07/2022 17:48

Play dates to help her build friendships, and to get to know the other parents.

BornIn78 · 03/07/2022 17:52

I think 4 is plenty and nothing to worry about.

You’ve invited only half the class to your DD’s party.

Others will have done the same, or had much smaller parties or not had parties at all.

Have you checked to find out if there are any children in the class who have “only” been to 4 or less parties this year, and made a point of inviting them?

WhiskerPatrol · 03/07/2022 17:59

If this really matters to you you could delay your DC's birthday party, have it in September and invite the whole class. She'd likely then be more "on the radar" for reciprocal invitations!

BiscoffSundae · 03/07/2022 18:00

I think 4 is a lot I thought you was going to say none!! My daughter started school this year so reception and we’ve not had a single invite 🤦🏻

Comedycook · 03/07/2022 18:01

But she is being invited. Four is a lot in less than a year. You are over thinking