Why is my dd not being invited to parties...

[Schoolfriendhelp]

Started school in reception in September. This is the first time of trying to navigate school and building friendships so looking for advice or guidance on what i should do or think.

My dds birthday is in the summer so not had her party yet but now we are coming to to the end of the school year I realise she has only been invited to 4 parties, 1 was a friend in the other class (same year ), 2 were whole class invites and the 4th I made friends with the mum as they live nearby.

Through the mum friend I am aware there have been several other parties she hasn't been invited too but her ds has been and with 30 kids in the class I am surprised there haven't been more invites.

She is very young in the year (possibly the youngest) but has never been shy or timid even has a toddler. We encourage kind play and sharing. I am aware she makes friends with older kids due to after school clubs but always tells me of the kids she plays with in her class and they will say hello to her as we go in to school etc. Doesn't play with all of them though, which came apparent when we were doing her party invites .

She had chosen 16 friends for her party, we are having it at home so can't realistically fit 30+ kids and parents in the house especially if it's raining and too late to change plans now.

Is it me.... am I the reason why parents don't want to put my child on the invite list... is it her... is she destined to not have friends? What am I doing wrong?

This is now starting to upset me... being a summer born and struggling with friendships I don't want the same for her.

What can I do when we start the new school year to make sure she is more included and building friendships?

(On the plus side I haven't had to shell out loads of money on presents!)

My son is finishing reception and he has only been to a couple of parties. We held a small party for him (with 8 friends) as a full class party would have been too overwhelming.

I think 4 is plenty. My eldest didn't go to many more than 4 in reception either and following covid, price rises etc people are cutting back.

Was 4 in 1970, my friends and I never had whole class parties, smaller parties at a friend's house with jelly and ice cream or a birthday tea at one friend's. I'm 55 and have never had a party.

Why didn't you invite the 14 you left out?

See, that's exactly how silly you are being you have a good reason, so why are you assuming the parents who didn't invite her don't?
It pretty much is the parents at that age too, 4yr old will choose willy nilly and would change their list every 5 minutes.
Not every child can be invited to every party.

My DD has a party every year with her 3 closest friends, her 2 siblings and her 4 cousins. It may be that others in your DD's class do this. It isn't compulsory to invite everyone. Sometimes an intimate party with people you know well and feel happy with is better than an all class party.

I think that’s a normal amount for reception and I think you’re worrying completely unnecessarily. Don’t blame you, I was exactly the same when my eldest started school.

Lots of people don’t do big parties or parties at all and I think in reception it’s still a bit more likely that people invite children of friends cousins or old nursery friends. I did this when mine were little but ime by year 1-2 this changes when they get more specific about who their friends are and who they want at their party.

I worried far too much about party invitations and hosting parties when mine were in primary and I think I’m normally quite a rational easy going person but it did really get to me at times. With the benefit of hindsight I can see it was a complete waste of time and energy. I remember one particularly bad experience in yr 4 when my DD was only 4 in the class not invited to a party of a girl she thought was a really good friend. She was so upset, floods of tears, I didn’t sleep, I was so angry with the parents (who I knew) I had lots of imaginary rants at her Mum in my head at 3am etc etc. Turns out there was a number limit and the party girl had asked my DD a few weeks before if she was good at laser quest and did she like it, my DD said no not really and I don’t like guns so party girl, quite reasonably left her off her list but it took my DD a while to connect the dots 🙄. They are 15 now and really good friends and the only two of the girls from primary who have stayed close. I’m also still friends with her Mum (luckily my rants remained imaginary)

As far as you can try and rise above the party thing and don’t overthink it, it has the capacity to drive you completely nuts otherwise.

Op I get why you are concerned. Your point is that of 30 children in HER class none have invited her.

I think that could be because say she’s playing mainly with 4 kids, 2 didn’t have parties and the remaining 2 had v small things like a birthday tea for 2 or 3 friends and didn’t see her as a bestie. If she plays with any boys they may have had not only parties.

My ds had Sen so as a result I’ve cultivated the other mothers like mad. Try to do loads of play dates for closest little friends with things kids love - pizza, cinema, popcorn, ice cream. This helped get him invited.

Boys might have had boys only parties I meant to say

Please don't worry, if you have a summer party, chances are that many folk will be away or anticipating being away.

Whole class parties might be common , now, but the weren't when my children were at school. Why on Earth you'd invite someone to your child's party that they barely spoke to , is beyond me.

I was a TA , in an infant school for over twenty years.
Parties really were the devil incarnate as I'd have to put invites in the school bags and children would tear them open at home time.
It caused a huge amount of tears and tantrums.

I wish parents would hand them out , themselves, to other parents.
But parents know how divisive it would be so they handed them, in bulk, to teachers or TA as they didn't want the awkwardness.

Oh man, all I read on MN when DS started school was about DC being inundated with party invites. Never happened to us like that, of course.

My reception DC1 got invited to exactly two. 2 parties, is all.

Lots of responses thank you and most giving a similar theme of feedback so I consider myself talked too and have come out of my worry tree

I am back in my box and appreciate everyone responding especially those sharing lived experiences it has helped put things into perspective.

Don't forget there were a lot of concerns around Corona at the beginning of the year, so a lot of people weren't having parties then. Either because they didn’t want to or were unable to book a venue.

4 parties is actually pretty good going.

She means DS as in the friend's son.

My DC are slightly older but in reception they did go to around 20 or so parties, whole class parties were standard. It wasn’t down to my school gate networking, as I didn’t do many drop offs/pick ups due to work.
If your DD is happy then don’t worry.

I would not worry at all. 4 is nothing to be concerned about, it's normal. And get used to this, it's part of school life. There will be lots of parties you hear of and realise they weren't invited to. Don't take it personally.

My DD is in reception and she's just been to her 4th party, I thought that was a lot. They've all been her good friends that she talks about a lot and each one has been a distinct memory for her, something to count down to and she's really looked forward to each one. If they were more frequent I think it would be overwhelming, and a bit too repetitive. I wouldn't worry at all your DD is totally fine. Do you really want to spend every weekend attending a different one of the 30 kids in the classes birthday?

Please don’t worry OP. She is only in Reception, she has barely had time to make ‘friends’ yet. At this age the kids play with someone new each day and parties are usually organised by who the mum wants to invite, kids of other mums she talks to. As she matures and gets older, has playdates etc, and starts really choosing her friends, this will improve. Enjoy it while it lasts - she will soon have a busier social diary than you!