Why is it always a son?

[cannibalvalley]

Why when you come across an adult over indulged by his mum, why is it always a son?
If someone who is in their late twenties let's slip at work that their mum still washes and irons their clothes, it is always a man.
Or the man in his thirties who did not even live with his parents and confessed his mum still made his packed lunch for work.

I mean maybe you all have examples of adult women over indulged by mums doing their washing or making packed lunches way beyond a normal age. But I have only ever come across men where this happens.

So why? Is it because adult women would not allow their mums to do this? Or something else?
Or is it only me that has come across this and it is an incredibly unusual situation no one else has ever come across?

My DP is one of three, he has one brother and one sister.

The sister is a 38 year old woman-child and MIL still treats her like a small child, she is so over indulged! It’s sad, they are both lovely people but their relationship is, for want of a better word, odd, and it’s done SIL no favours as an adult.

DP and his brother have never been over indulged by MIL! It’s only the daughter.

My neighbour does this. Son initially lived 10 miles away with his wife but then they bought a house on the next street.

She can be seen walking a full roast dinner over in her slippers to his house and goes over to peg his washing out for him too.

He does seem to be holding down that stable relationship too thankfully, so I think despite the pampering, he's got a sensible head.

She's very family orientated though, his sister is equally pampered.

I'm a woman. Aged 22-24 and living in a bedsit, I took my washing back to Mum every weekend. I did try the launderette once but was assaulted and two men stole some of my underwear and I never went back.

I think in my experience women have much more complex relationships with daughters, especially as adults. It’s often much more prickly and boundary-setting, particularly in the 20’s years. And I think that means most women don’t want to be looked after by their mothers like that, and most mothers don’t want to mother their daughters in that way. There is a different closeness and intensity. Mothers seem to want to and be able to baby their boys for much longer, and more men are more comfortable with being babied.

Honestly I think there’s still a societal expectation that women will take care of men. So daughters
learn to do the “taking care” in preparation for adulthood whereas some men expect to go from mummy to girlfriend/wife without lifting a finger.

I’m very determined that my son isn’t going to be a manchild (like his dad, who moved straight back with his mum after we split and is still there two years later), and even at two years old I am teaching age-appropriate steps of looking after himself. I want to do it gradually so it’s not a big shock when I start expecting him to pick up after himself as a teen.

There will be bias on MN from women posting about their predominantly male partners. There are some sister-in-law posts on this theme, and golden-child sisters (but they often have a different emotional slant) but they won't have the day to day impact of a molly-coddled man-child partner. Posters will rarely draw attention to this behaviour if they do it themselves.

Co-dependent women are probably more lilely to be seen as supporting each other with "women's jobs" rather than being dependent. "Man jobs" tend to be less frequent if you're getting dad in to do them.

There often is a layer of internalised misogeny in differentuating "male" and "female" roles and mums allocating roles differently between children of different sexes, but that will also be amplified by the predominant relationships that tend to be represented on MN.

I have to confess my mum used to pick up wash, iron and return some of my clothes for me, usually delicate items that I would ruin.
My DB has always been self sufficient in that way since getting his own place in 2nd year uni.

I don't know anyone who has this. I do know dads who have come round when a single woman has bought an house to do settling in DIY. But not ongoing grass cutting and similar.

I agree with this 100%

in my experience sons who are like this don’t treat their girlfriends very well - they expect a ‘replacement mum’ because they just see women as there to do stuff for them

I really disagree with this. When you have your first baby it can be a huge shock and I think either parent asking their parents for advice is normal. But I did not ask my father, as he did very little of the childcare when we were babies. So he does not know. My mum could give advice though. And DP asked his mum too.

Yes I think this is very true.

I think the only difference between sons and daughters in this regard, is that the over-indulged son will stay living with his parents, while the daughter will move out and get her parents to come over to do everything for her.

The son will have a mum who indulges while his dad rolls his eyes but does nothing about it. The daughter will have both parents indulging her.

Sorry for quoting you again, but I would actually like to start a new thread about this!
Tricky relationships with adult daughters.. what a minefield that is.

Your mum sounds lovely 😊

@FootontheHeartbreak It is so hard! I’m a daughter and my Mum and I do sometimes feel like my Mum and I have never stopped navigating our changing relationship dynamics since I was a teenager! We go through periods of closeness (like now as I’m planning my wedding) and periods where we’re completely at odds with each other, even though we’re always “close” and speak most days. It’s the same with all my friends. It’s a really interesting one.

My DH used to make my packed lunch for work when we were both working in an office. He was making his own so used to make mine, too.

@riesenrad surely that is normal? If I am washing some clothes, I do not separate them into mine and my DHs. I wash them all.

ds(18) has been doing his own washing for around 2 years now.

Same aged niece and her dsis(16) have never switched on a washing machine.
But at the end of the day it isn't rocket science, they'll do it when they have too.

The problem isn't mum doing it for them (notice dads don't get mentioned for indulging their dc!), it is them not doing it themselves when they have too, which is down to them not their parents.

My dbros and I were brought up in a "traditional" household where mum and I did all the "womens work", but when dbros all left home to live alone in their late teens/early 20s they picked up how to do washing without any of the "training" 🙄 I got from mum.