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Original poster

Stonewalling Friends - just wish people wouldn't do this

36 replies

Greenberg · 02/07/2022 04:49

It's a big birthday for me this year. My marriage is in tatters, so I don't want to do anything with him. Have suggested with a couple of friends to go away for a few days. Both small groups of friends seemed really keen, then when it comes to firming up arrangements, they go silent.

I just find it so incredibly painful. I know everyone has choices to do what they want, money's tight etc, but one of them is actually going with another group of friends this summer for a similar trip at a more expensive time of the year, and also going to stay with her husband to see the same friend who lives abroad that I wanted to meet up with.

It's not them not wanting to go that really hurts, well it is but I understand why not. It's the not thinking I'm worthy of even being given a straight response. I know it saves them the embarrassment of not having to tell me, but that's a bit selfish isn't it, when it leaves me hanging? And to actually tell me about that lovely trip she's going on with her other mates...I know I should have asked about our trip but I'm pretty sure it's not happening, given she didn't mention it and I'm really hurting anyway because of my marriage and my dog dying recently.

I'm not really looking for solutions, as I know I can arrange something myself, which is fine, I can go somewhere on my own. I just wish people would realise that it's more hurtful to be stonewalled than for someone to just be honest. They don't have to say they hate me, just that they're planning something else and they can't afford both. It's much more humiliating to be left in the air. And I think it's to save themselves some momentary embarrassment.

OP posts:
Hied · 02/07/2022 04:52

Honestly is just so difficult arranging weekends away! Are you staying in your country or going abroad for the weekend? Is it too expensive?

Do you have a WhatsApp group of everyone interested? Have you agreed the date?

And I'm sorry about your dog and your marriage. What a shit time.

Original poster
Greenberg · 02/07/2022 04:57

Hied · 02/07/2022 04:52

Honestly is just so difficult arranging weekends away! Are you staying in your country or going abroad for the weekend? Is it too expensive?

Do you have a WhatsApp group of everyone interested? Have you agreed the date?

And I'm sorry about your dog and your marriage. What a shit time.

Thanks for replying, I really appreciate it.

We were planning to go abroad in both groups. One of them, I was going to put some money in for accommodation in lieu of having a party, as they have had parties themselves which I have been to and I wouldn't like to have a party (although I haven't actually said that yet).

It's not the fact that they don't want to go, it's just they're not being honest about it. They don't even have to tell me to my face, just send me a text message. But they don't even want to have the moment of awkwardness, so they just avoid it, which is 10x worse.

Thanks also for the sympathy.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/07/2022 05:42

I hear you @Greenberg . Tis hurtful. Who knows why they haven't committed, but the bottom line is, they could keep you aware of the fact they are not going, give you chance to organise something else. Just a thought. When I was 40, and having my mid life crisis, and my H was an a*hole, I holed myself up in a nice hotel for a couple of nights. On my own. Could you see yourself on a solo trip, or maybe it isn't your thing?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/07/2022 05:42

Not suggesting you are having a mid life crisis. That was just me, hopefully Grin

Original poster
Greenberg · 02/07/2022 05:59

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/07/2022 05:42

I hear you @Greenberg . Tis hurtful. Who knows why they haven't committed, but the bottom line is, they could keep you aware of the fact they are not going, give you chance to organise something else. Just a thought. When I was 40, and having my mid life crisis, and my H was an a*hole, I holed myself up in a nice hotel for a couple of nights. On my own. Could you see yourself on a solo trip, or maybe it isn't your thing?

Well exactly, that's the kind of thing I'd do. Obviously I'd rather have a fun time with some mates but I'd also enjoy going away to a lovely hotel.

How did you get over your mid life crisis, and did you ditch the a*hole?

OP posts:
getupstandupsitdown · 02/07/2022 06:01

Maybe they didn't think anything would come of it. It's easy to say yes to an idea. Maybe they don't have the money because it's been spent on another trip. Lots of other reasons... also I'm my experience, these things need to be planned a year in advance to get free diaries.

People often need to see a concrete plan before they commit. Find a place and hotel and suggest a date, then ask for a firm yes or not. And say if this doesn't work, you'll have a rethink. Ask for their input then

Original poster
Greenberg · 02/07/2022 06:56

getupstandupsitdown · 02/07/2022 06:01

Maybe they didn't think anything would come of it. It's easy to say yes to an idea. Maybe they don't have the money because it's been spent on another trip. Lots of other reasons... also I'm my experience, these things need to be planned a year in advance to get free diaries.

People often need to see a concrete plan before they commit. Find a place and hotel and suggest a date, then ask for a firm yes or not. And say if this doesn't work, you'll have a rethink. Ask for their input then

With one of them, someone actually sent out a proposed package deal and the other person just went quiet on it, and as they're very close I know the other person won't want to come with just me. As I say, I don't mind them not coming, that's absolutely their choice. It's just the fact they don't just tell me if they can't afford it/can't get the time off/don't fancy it. People just seem to do it all the time these days as if it's somehow kinder to just go quiet. But for me it's not as I'm just left hanging.

OP posts:
Boxjumpers918 · 02/07/2022 07:00

I think you need to be very direct 'could I have definite numbers on this by the 5th please. No worries if you can't make it or don't fancy it, happy to arrange something easier but if you can tell me yes or no that would really help'.

People can't go for whatever reason but just don't want to say it. This is the reason why I don't try and arrange stuff like this anymore, it's just too difficult.

picklemewalnuts · 02/07/2022 07:01

I think you need to say something in the messages like- Can I check whether we're doing this? I want to plan something else if not.

Lilypickles1 · 02/07/2022 07:01

Sorry but I HATE plans like that. To be completely honest I don’t really do many plans without DH anyway, so a night out is bad enough, let alone a weekend away. However whenever the girls suggest things we all say oh yeah that’d be fun etc… luckily nothing ever comes of it as deep down we are all the same 🙂 try not to take personally x

Boxjumpers918 · 02/07/2022 07:06

I think finances are probably also a huge part of this. When money is tight you have to prioritise your immediate family.

MichelleScarn · 02/07/2022 07:09

I'm not really looking for solutions, as I know I can arrange something myself, which is fine, I can go somewhere on my own.

by 'myself' do you mean arrange the holiday yourself or go by yourself?

Flowerymess · 02/07/2022 07:15

So sorry you're dealing with the loss of your dog and the issues with your husband.

It sounds like you could ask them directly if they can one more time. So then you can make other plans if need be. Do they know what's going on with your husband?

I'm wishing you strength. 💐

daretodenim · 02/07/2022 07:18

I agree you just need to ask. It feels vulnerable to do that but hanging is just an awful feeling.

Original poster
Greenberg · 02/07/2022 07:35

MichelleScarn · 02/07/2022 07:09

I'm not really looking for solutions, as I know I can arrange something myself, which is fine, I can go somewhere on my own.

by 'myself' do you mean arrange the holiday yourself or go by yourself?

I mean go by myself. Do an organised trip or just do something on my own. I'd obviously rather go with friends but I don't want to do nothing at all, that would be much worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenberg · 02/07/2022 07:38

daretodenim · 02/07/2022 07:18

I agree you just need to ask. It feels vulnerable to do that but hanging is just an awful feeling.

I think you're right, I need to check. You're also right that it's really vulnerable to have to ask but better than hanging...

I agree people should prioritise their immediate family. I have no problem with this. It's also much better to say that though!

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenberg · 02/07/2022 07:42

Flowerymess · 02/07/2022 07:15

So sorry you're dealing with the loss of your dog and the issues with your husband.

It sounds like you could ask them directly if they can one more time. So then you can make other plans if need be. Do they know what's going on with your husband?

I'm wishing you strength. 💐

I haven't told them about my husband, no, although it's pretty obvious we don't do things together and they've witnessed him being horrible to me, so it's not really a great stretch to guess. I haven't told these particular friends (two groups) because I don't want to be a drag about it, and tbh they have really good marriages and I don't think they get what it's like to be in a bad marriage.

OP posts:
User0610134049 · 02/07/2022 07:42

I hear you OP and reading your post just reminded me I had agreed in principle to something but gone quiet when a date was suggested and not confirmed either way (just an afternoon thing not weekend away). Went back on the group and realised only one person had, everyone else quiet. It is rude. In my case it was because I’m not sure if I can make it not so whenever I went to reply I thought I really want to go but must check that/work out what we’re doing etc and put off replying then forget. But totally see that from the other side it can look like people just aren’t bothered

Original poster
Greenberg · 02/07/2022 07:43

And thanks for your good wishes @Flowerymess

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenberg · 02/07/2022 07:46

User0610134049 · 02/07/2022 07:42

I hear you OP and reading your post just reminded me I had agreed in principle to something but gone quiet when a date was suggested and not confirmed either way (just an afternoon thing not weekend away). Went back on the group and realised only one person had, everyone else quiet. It is rude. In my case it was because I’m not sure if I can make it not so whenever I went to reply I thought I really want to go but must check that/work out what we’re doing etc and put off replying then forget. But totally see that from the other side it can look like people just aren’t bothered

Thanks for being so honest! In that situation, I'd just say, you'd like to come but you just can't commit at the moment and you'll let them know asap. That's absolutely fine and just much kinder. Especially if you confirm eventually one way or another that you can/can't make it.

OP posts:
Boxjumpers918 · 02/07/2022 07:47

Greenberg I agree people should prioritise their immediate family. I have no problem with this. It's also much better to say that though!

Yeh I agree. Do you think people are embarrassed to say they can't afford it? I know I've not been able to go to things in the past and it's never a comfortable conversation to say in front of a group of people (ie.whatsapp group) that you can't afford something.

Did you give options for a cheaper activity?

I remember when my friend split from her DH. She wanted to do a weekend away and nights out whilst I was trying to save for a family holiday and a car deposit. I felt awful saying no but we were just at different stages.

taybert · 02/07/2022 07:59

Lilypickles1 · 02/07/2022 07:01

Sorry but I HATE plans like that. To be completely honest I don’t really do many plans without DH anyway, so a night out is bad enough, let alone a weekend away. However whenever the girls suggest things we all say oh yeah that’d be fun etc… luckily nothing ever comes of it as deep down we are all the same 🙂 try not to take personally x

Genuine question- why don’t you just say? Life is so much easier if people say what they want and what they really mean. Something like “that sounds lovely, I’d definitely come for the meal part, but you know me, I don’t like nights away” or “if the venue isn’t too far I’ll come for the day activity then go home” or “it sounds like you’ll have a really good time but my weekends tend to get filled with family stuff so don’t make plans around me” or even just, “I can’t come, have a great time”. That way people know where they stand and don’t feel upset or strung along.

Original poster
Greenberg · 02/07/2022 08:07

taybert · 02/07/2022 07:59

Genuine question- why don’t you just say? Life is so much easier if people say what they want and what they really mean. Something like “that sounds lovely, I’d definitely come for the meal part, but you know me, I don’t like nights away” or “if the venue isn’t too far I’ll come for the day activity then go home” or “it sounds like you’ll have a really good time but my weekends tend to get filled with family stuff so don’t make plans around me” or even just, “I can’t come, have a great time”. That way people know where they stand and don’t feel upset or strung along.

Show quote history

Thanks Taybert, that's exactly it.

Anyway, I've taken the bull by the horns with the group who'd had a firm package on the table. I've just gone back and said I perfectly understand if they've got something they'd rather do with the family, but I'd rather know so I could arrange something else, and then I've suggested an evening out to show I'm not sulking!

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 02/07/2022 08:20

Did they know you meant go without partners? Is that something that’s normal in your group? What are the time scales? Could they be booking time off work/ sorting finances?
unfortunately some friends do drop you when you split with your partner, Hope that’s not the case for you

Original poster
Greenberg · 02/07/2022 08:27

BungleandGeorge · 02/07/2022 08:20

Did they know you meant go without partners? Is that something that’s normal in your group? What are the time scales? Could they be booking time off work/ sorting finances?
unfortunately some friends do drop you when you split with your partner, Hope that’s not the case for you

Only one of them has a partner and often goes away without him although usually with family members. I think it would be two days off work and then the weekend.

We're not couples friends, we've known each other since the single days, so I don't think they'd drop me for that reason. Anyway, I haven't told them about the rocky marriage.

OP posts: