Page 2 | Stonewalling Friends - just wish people wouldn't do this

Greenberg · 2022-07-02T03:49:19+00:00

It's a big birthday for me this year. My marriage is in tatters, so I don't want to do anything with him. Have suggested with a couple of friends to go away for a few days. Both small groups of friends seemed really keen, then when it comes to firming up arrangements, they go silent. I just find it so incredibly painful. I know everyone has choices to do what they want, money's tight etc, but one of them is actually going with another group of friends this summer for a similar trip at a more expensive time of the year, and also going to stay with her husband to see the same friend who lives abroad that I wanted to meet up with. It's not them not wanting to go that really hurts, well it is but I understand why not. It's the not thinking I'm worthy of even being given a straight response. I know it saves them the embarrassment of not having to tell me, but that's a bit selfish isn't it, when it leaves me hanging? And to actually tell me about that lovely trip she's going on with her other mates...I know I should have asked about our trip but I'm pretty sure it's not happening, given she didn't mention it and I'm really hurting anyway because of my marriage and my dog dying recently. I'm not really looking for solutions, as I know I can arrange something myself, which is fine, I can go somewhere on my own. I just wish people would realise that it's more hurtful to be stonewalled than for someone to just be honest. They don't have to say they hate me, just that they're planning something else and they can't afford both. It's much more humiliating to be left in the air. And I think it's to save themselves some momentary embarrassment.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 02/07/2022 09:42

I hate stuff like this. This is why my hen do was just a night out and not a weekend away as I couldn't face people not answering the group and stuff. As it was it was difficult getting people to respond

bananaboats · 02/07/2022 10:46

I find group things like this impossible to organise. Is there one or two people on the group your closer to you could organise something just with them? I find it much easier to get something sorted one on one.

Original poster

Greenberg · 02/07/2022 22:34

Thanks to everyone who posted, particularly those who have been through it themselves. I empathise.

Anyhow a happy ending. My message prompted a response and one of the trips is coming off! Even if it hadn't done, I'd still have been happier knowing where I stood. I think I won't bother chasing the other one, and maybe go and visit the other friend on my own.

I think it especially hit me because I'm feeling pretty lonely in my rubbish marriage. But that's another story that I have to deal with in the next few months.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 03/07/2022 05:43

Fabulous!
Sounds like it's time to make some changes! Have a happy birthday!

Autienotnaughtie · 03/07/2022 06:55

I found up til around mid thirties arranging stuff was easy. Everyone was alway up for it, now in my forties it seems to be really hard to get anyone motivated and yes agree it hurts if I've tried to arrange a night out which fell through but then others are off jetting away . I agree I'd ask direct and give a confirm by date if people don't commit you have your answer and absolutely arrange something on your own.

Original poster

Greenberg · 03/07/2022 10:44

picklemewalnuts · 03/07/2022 05:43

Fabulous!
Sounds like it's time to make some changes! Have a happy birthday!

Thanks so much. Sometimes it's all you need is to get a bit of encouragement.

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 03/07/2022 10:56

How did you get over your mid life crisis, and did you ditch the ahole?*

I got over my "I'm 40 and I can't play the saxaphone" phase. Partly, by getting rid of the asshole. Final straw was when he signed up for online dating, and apparently it was because then teenage DD and I wouldn't go owl watching with him one night... go figure. Mucho threads on here at the time, under a different user name. He went on to announce he was marrying New Wife before being divorced. He then regretted this decision. Was desparate to meet with me in the run up to his wedding, but I wouldn't engage. He got married. A few years later I married the current Mr Sponge. XH is now unhappy again, and will message me on flimsy pretexts relating to now adult DD. I am very happy with new Mr Sponge and have no plans to return him for a refund.

In so far as it may or may not relate to your situation, I was 60 during lockdown. I met now DH when I was about 50, despite being a bit on the chubby side, and no longer being young. If you ever wanted to luuuurve again, it's there for you. I however had got to the stage that being on my own forever with many cats was preferable to living in an abusive marriage.

@Greenberg this isn't the end of your story. You get to write the next bit

spidersenses · 03/07/2022 11:06

Greenberg · 02/07/2022 22:34

Thanks to everyone who posted, particularly those who have been through it themselves. I empathise.

Anyhow a happy ending. My message prompted a response and one of the trips is coming off! Even if it hadn't done, I'd still have been happier knowing where I stood. I think I won't bother chasing the other one, and maybe go and visit the other friend on my own.

I think it especially hit me because I'm feeling pretty lonely in my rubbish marriage. But that's another story that I have to deal with in the next few months.

That's great news! If you wanted the other trip to work out too, you could plan the visit to your friend and before you booked just post in the group what your plans are, share flight details etc and costs and ask if anyone else wanted to come along with you? Then you're not waiting for anyone, and you have you sorted, but you're giving them the options. Depends what you want - if you'd prefer it was just you visiting your friend then don't of course!

Original poster

Greenberg · 03/07/2022 12:58

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 03/07/2022 10:56

How did you get over your mid life crisis, and did you ditch the ahole?*

I got over my "I'm 40 and I can't play the saxaphone" phase. Partly, by getting rid of the asshole. Final straw was when he signed up for online dating, and apparently it was because then teenage DD and I wouldn't go owl watching with him one night... go figure. Mucho threads on here at the time, under a different user name. He went on to announce he was marrying New Wife before being divorced. He then regretted this decision. Was desparate to meet with me in the run up to his wedding, but I wouldn't engage. He got married. A few years later I married the current Mr Sponge. XH is now unhappy again, and will message me on flimsy pretexts relating to now adult DD. I am very happy with new Mr Sponge and have no plans to return him for a refund.

In so far as it may or may not relate to your situation, I was 60 during lockdown. I met now DH when I was about 50, despite being a bit on the chubby side, and no longer being young. If you ever wanted to luuuurve again, it's there for you. I however had got to the stage that being on my own forever with many cats was preferable to living in an abusive marriage.

@Greenberg this isn't the end of your story. You get to write the next bit

I however had got to the stage that being on my own forever with many cats was preferable to living in an abusive marriage.

I relate to this! I'm not really keen on another marriage but having a good relationship would be fab. I'd only bother with this though if he was really worth the trouble. I certainly can't be bothered with men who whine all the time, want me to be their mother, only want to hang out with their mates, don't want to go out, want to take out their bad mood on me, can't manage basic domestic tasks, the list goes on...

I'm glad you've got a nice Mr Sponge though.

@spidersenses that sounds like a good plan. I might do something like that! x

OP posts:

kateandme · 04/07/2022 05:50

Greenberg · 03/07/2022 12:58

I however had got to the stage that being on my own forever with many cats was preferable to living in an abusive marriage.

I relate to this! I'm not really keen on another marriage but having a good relationship would be fab. I'd only bother with this though if he was really worth the trouble. I certainly can't be bothered with men who whine all the time, want me to be their mother, only want to hang out with their mates, don't want to go out, want to take out their bad mood on me, can't manage basic domestic tasks, the list goes on...

I'm glad you've got a nice Mr Sponge though.

@spidersenses that sounds like a good plan. I might do something like that! x

Show quote history

I thi k this is also a lesson.to lots of us not to ruminate and thought spiral.
You let your head go to so many places.AND I no in part that was due to them not replying but shit like that happens.especially between good mates sadly.we have a bigger le-way and mates take it. But turns out they did want you and to do stuff.they may have even been sitting back thinking as u were.unable to make the move.
Your also really vulnerable and that makes us feel and assume the worst.
But look what happened when you took control.thats empowerment right there.
So try not to think the worst.or don't take it on as something wrong with you.
Don't stay in a jumble that making you miserable op.it is marking your self esteem now too.and that's a fight to get back the longer it goes on on.
And do tell your friends.you think they know but again,we are all twisted in our own thoughts we often miss really important things!
You need to feel supported.you deserve that and need sounding boards right now.please seek support and holding.id hate it if my friend assumed I new and I just though their dh was a do k at times but you were ok when in fact crumbling.

Original poster

Greenberg · 04/07/2022 22:05

kateandme · 04/07/2022 05:50

I thi k this is also a lesson.to lots of us not to ruminate and thought spiral.
You let your head go to so many places.AND I no in part that was due to them not replying but shit like that happens.especially between good mates sadly.we have a bigger le-way and mates take it. But turns out they did want you and to do stuff.they may have even been sitting back thinking as u were.unable to make the move.
Your also really vulnerable and that makes us feel and assume the worst.
But look what happened when you took control.thats empowerment right there.
So try not to think the worst.or don't take it on as something wrong with you.
Don't stay in a jumble that making you miserable op.it is marking your self esteem now too.and that's a fight to get back the longer it goes on on.
And do tell your friends.you think they know but again,we are all twisted in our own thoughts we often miss really important things!
You need to feel supported.you deserve that and need sounding boards right now.please seek support and holding.id hate it if my friend assumed I new and I just though their dh was a do k at times but you were ok when in fact crumbling.

Show quote history

Thanks @kateandme. There's some good advice there. You're right my head does spiral at times. It's getting better than it was but it's just goes to bad places when a few difficult things happen at the same time.

I will tell my friends but only when I've taken the next step and there's something to actually talk through. Thanks for thinking of me and I am feeling more empowered!

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