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Original poster

Opinions please (death related trigger)

40 replies

Gem8701 · 01/07/2022 11:59

So my Nanna died a couple of weeks Ago, unfortunately I didn’t make it in time to say goodbye to her. My mum had rung me to let me know she didn’t have long left but I was asleep and she died later that night.
I do have the opportunity to see her at the funeral home but I'm unsure? Do we think it will help or hinder? I have never done this before.

OP posts:
SickKid · 01/07/2022 12:04

There is no right and wrong with this. Do you want to see her? I would say only go if you want to, not because think you should or because someone is telling you to. 💐

Original poster
Gem8701 · 01/07/2022 12:06

I do yeah x

OP posts:
RuthW · 01/07/2022 12:21

Just be aware that this is how you will think of her for a very long time

Sorry for your loss.

theemmadilemma · 01/07/2022 12:28

It's usually very calm and peaceful and the people working on her will undoubtly make her look as natural as they can for her loved ones.

Squiff70 · 01/07/2022 12:29

I'm a very firm believer in the fact that we cam only do what we think is right at that time, even if we think differently later on.

I wasn't with my grandma when she died but I was invited to see her in the Chapel of rest. My dad, her only child, didn't want to go because he felt that would be his last memory of his mum which he didn't want, and that's absolutely fine. Nobody else wanted to go either for the same reasons. I only said no because everybody else did. I actually wanted to go and stroke her hair and give her one last kiss. I regret now that I didn't - she'd had a long life and yet nobody wanted to see her at the end of it and it makes me sad that one of us couldn't send her on her way with one simple gesture of love I do agree though that my lasting memory of her would have changed forever had I gone. Many would argue that my grandma was dead so wouldn't know anyway that I was there, so it probably would have been more for me on behalf of the family rather than my grandma, if that makes sense.

There are absolutely no right or wrongs here. Do what you feel is right for you and don't be pressured either way.

I am so sorry for your loss.

WorriedMillie · 01/07/2022 12:35

Echo there is no right or wrong, just keep in mind that there will have been physical changes, it’s ok to ask the funeral director about these
We had a similar dilemma recently with a family member, after a consult with the FD, where they advised that the person looked very different to how they looked in life (we showed them a recent pic) we decided against viewing. We didn’t want to regret that being our lasting memory.

another option is a closed coffin in the chapel of rest, so you get to spend a little time with your loved one

sending hugs, it’s so hard x

IStandWithMaya · 01/07/2022 12:37

Sorry for your loss FlowersFlowers

I have always chosen not to visit a chapel of rest as I don't want to carry that image with me going forward. I also wouldn't want people to see me like that when my turn comes.

There's no right or wrong answer. Do whatever feels right for you.

GreenIsle · 01/07/2022 12:38

Sorry for your loss op.

Everyone has different opinions of this. I have viewed many family members on their coffins and to be honest I can't remember their faces in detail, I just remember thinking they looked asleep which was actually comforting.

Rayn22 · 01/07/2022 12:41

Everyone advised me not to see my mum. Even the funeral director as they said she had deteriorate quick. I did go see her and it helped me. She looked so calm.

SquirrelSoShiny · 01/07/2022 12:48

Open coffins and saying goodbye to the dead can be very comforting but it's a cultural thing too. In Ireland it's standard to have a wake and have adults and children talking by the open coffin. Kissing the cheek of the dead person or stroking their hair.

It's a healthy thing in my view and it helps us realise the person has left their body and is at peace. Do whatever makes you comfortable but bear in mind that 2 weeks is a long time. This delay always seemed completely barbaric to me. There may be greater deterioration of the body so maybe ask about that.

And very sorry for your loss x

fortheloveofcheesecake · 01/07/2022 12:51

Squiff70 · 01/07/2022 12:29

I'm a very firm believer in the fact that we cam only do what we think is right at that time, even if we think differently later on.

I wasn't with my grandma when she died but I was invited to see her in the Chapel of rest. My dad, her only child, didn't want to go because he felt that would be his last memory of his mum which he didn't want, and that's absolutely fine. Nobody else wanted to go either for the same reasons. I only said no because everybody else did. I actually wanted to go and stroke her hair and give her one last kiss. I regret now that I didn't - she'd had a long life and yet nobody wanted to see her at the end of it and it makes me sad that one of us couldn't send her on her way with one simple gesture of love I do agree though that my lasting memory of her would have changed forever had I gone. Many would argue that my grandma was dead so wouldn't know anyway that I was there, so it probably would have been more for me on behalf of the family rather than my grandma, if that makes sense.

There are absolutely no right or wrongs here. Do what you feel is right for you and don't be pressured either way.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say that I was the same and wanted to hold my grans hand one last time. I went to see her and it just wasn't her....she looked so different and I found it upsetting. I touched her hand briefly and it was so cold that I couldn't bear to hold it. It was a difficult memory to push down for a long time. It is such a difficult decision and there is no right or wrong.

thecurtainsofdestiny · 01/07/2022 12:54

My grandmother died suddenly so no one got a chance to say goodbye. I am glad I viewed her body. It felt really special and she looked so peaceful.

It's up to you what you feel comfortable with.

gingersplodgecat · 01/07/2022 12:56

If it were me, I think I would prefer to remember her as she was, and not as she is now.

RealHousewifeOfEastLondon · 01/07/2022 13:00

My dad died just over a month ago. I was with him when he died, so slightly different, but I also went to see him in the chapel of rest and we had an open coffin before the service for family who wished to say goodbye.

It was a shock seeing him in the chapel. He looked different compared to when he was alive and even the day he died (we had four hours with him before he was collected). BUT I can honestly say two weeks on from his funeral, this is not the image in my head. I can recall it if I want to but I remember my Dad as my Dad. That image has not stuck with me prominently.

In a way it was helpful to see him like that as I knew it wasn't him and could start to accept that he had gone.

I am still processing my Dad's death, but overall, I found it very comforting and it helped me to start to find closure.

You can only go with what feels right for you, but I will say don't live with regrets xxxx

Lentil63 · 01/07/2022 13:04

It helps me tremendously to see people but be prepared that they often don’t really look like themselves, if you touch your nanna she will be very cold. Take someone with you if you can. If you choose not to go that is also fine.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Xx

Lollypop701 · 01/07/2022 13:10

So sorry for your loss. 2weeks is a long time if viewing wasn’t expected so ask the undertaker. Again Irish background so fairly normal and I quite like the final kiss goodbye, my relatives have always looked peaceful. They are very cold . See what the undertaker says then do whatever you feel is right for you.

Aposterhasnoname · 01/07/2022 13:18

As others have said, there’s no right or wrong, but I went to see my ex MIL at then DHs insistence and it haunted me for years. To this day I can only remember her that way. People say they look asleep, but that was not my experience. She just wasn’t there, if you know what I mean. I did not see any of my family in the chapel of rest after that, much preferring to remember them alive.

Sapphire387 · 01/07/2022 13:25

Deeply personal decision. I was with my late partner when he died, a few years ago. After death, it was clear to me that it was 'not him' - his essence had flown. I believe in life after death and I could very much sense that his spirit had left. I did not choose to go and view his body again.

Lightningrain · 01/07/2022 13:29

Don’t feel pressured into making a decision either way. Go with your own gut feeling.

I don’t think I’d want to see relatives because I know others who have found it upsetting due to the deterioration of the body, and have struggled to get that last memory out of their minds. To me the person has already gone so I don’t view it as ‘seeing them’ for a final time. I’m sure to lots of people it’s a comfort however and I wouldn’t advise somebody not to go if they felt it was right for them.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 01/07/2022 13:31

It can be quite hard to see loved ones in the Chapel of Rest. I saw my grandad. I didn’t want to but my grandma did and I couldn’t let her go in by herself and evidently my dad felt he couldn’t let me and my grandma go in by ourselves. My grandma didn’t react well and it’s a hard memory.

It’s so hard not getting to say goodbye but you have other opportunities and it doesn’t have to be something structured like the Chapel if Rest or funeral. When my aunt died she was in her 30s and so there were a lot of grief tourists to her funeral because she’d left a young child behind. I didn’t feel I was able to say goodbye at the funeral as it felt like I was on show. She’d also died before I got to the hospital. Actually we were just getting to the hospital door as my family came out. I said goodbye to her some time later by going to a favourite spot of hers and having her favourite drink. You can find ways meaningful to you and your relationship to say goodbye to her Flowers

Oceanus · 01/07/2022 13:31

I've seen people in a coffin looking like they had the most miserable death and went to hell -if I close my eyes I can still the pain on those faces. Don't get me wrong, these were nice people but the pain was all over their faces. I wish I hadn't seen them.
The two most recent dead people I've seen: one looked like she was in heaven and the other died such a terrible death and her last days were so so terrible I didn't even recognise her.
If it were me I'd ask my mum how grandma looks. Was it a good death? Does she look like her? Depending on the answer I'd decide whether to see her or not. She knew she loved you, your love was measured by the times spent together when she was alive, not by the clothes you wear to the funeral or by being forced to see her in her coffin.

bigbluebus · 01/07/2022 13:49

I went to see my DF after he died suddenly. I didn't really want to go but my DM did and my DB1 who was taking her said "you are coming aren't you?" So I took it that he didn't want to deal with DM alone so I went too. TBH it wasn't 'my dad' and I don't think I got anything from seeing him. My DB2 opted not to go as he said he preferred to remember dad as he was the last time he saw him - laughing and joking in the queue at the chip shop!
It's a very personal choice. I didn't go when DM died as I didn't really feel it helped with grief.

Chasingclouds100 · 01/07/2022 13:56

I’m so sorry for your loss, I hope you are ok. In my experience this is something that I would never do again. After my Mum’s death I went to see her in the chapel of rest and it was just awful - she was wearing a wig which didn’t suit her (she had lost her hair due to cancer treatments) she had heavy make up on and was wearing a strange gown in a colour she would never have worn. Seeing her in her coffin was heartbreaking. My Dad kept telling me to hold her hand and to kiss her cheek but I didn’t feel able to as fear had taken over me, eventually I placed a kiss on my hand and touched her face with it. I couldn’t get out of there quick enough, I was only in my early 20’s at the time so maybe it was a little too much to take in. For years after I had awful nightmares about seeing my Mum like this and as a result when my younger brother died a couple of years after I knew I couldn’t see him like this. Only you can make this decision and I know a lot of people do get comfort from this but it wasn’t for me. With my brother I washed his favourite clothes, ironed him a fresh handkerchief and sorted out a picture of my Mum (whom he adored) then asked the funeral directors to place these items on him - I feel as though this helped and was my way of doing something nice for him - maybe you could do something similar? I hope whatever you decide is the right decision for you. Sending a virtual hug

been and done it. · 01/07/2022 14:02

My friend died at the age of 43..she didn't want visitors at the end in hospital but I wanted to say goodbye. I went with another friend to see her ar the FH..she looked like she was asleep..pale but peaceful in her jeans and rugby top...I kissed her hair and talked to her..obviously it benefitted me more than her but it was comforting to see her at peace no longer suffering. It's a personal choice but I'm glad I went and wouldn't be afraid to go again. X

LimeJellyforBrains · 01/07/2022 14:03

I have seen my grandad, a great-aunt, my dad and my mum after death. I haven't regretted seeing any of them, even though my mum died of Covid so embalming wasn't an option, and she didn't have any of the usual make-up on either, or even her own clothes, just a frilly white gown supplied by the FD. Nobody looked awful or hugely different, and I didn't mind that they didn't look quite the same - everyone looks different lying down and viewed from above anyway? I don't mind them being cold either as I know they are dead.

I think funeral directors usually offer you the options of viewing with lid on or off too, if you just wanted to be in the same room as her one more time. If they don't offer, you can ask for what you want.

I've always found it very helpful, being able to talk, say goodbye, give them a last kiss, and somehow it 'confirms' to me that they are dead and gone, they haven't just 'disappeared' if you know what I mean.

I'm so sorry for your loss.