Opinions please (death related trigger)

[Gem8701]

So my Nanna died a couple of weeks Ago, unfortunately I didn’t make it in time to say goodbye to her. My mum had rung me to let me know she didn’t have long left but I was asleep and she died later that night.
I do have the opportunity to see her at the funeral home but I'm unsure? Do we think it will help or hinder? I have never done this before.

I’m Irish so am used to wakes and open coffins. I’ve seen family members, a close friend, colleagues and an ex lover in their coffins. I’ve also been with two people when they died. I can recall the images of them in the coffin if I wish but it’s not the overriding memory I have of any of them. But what I was absolutely not prepared for was how cold they were- the first time I experienced that it stayed with me for a long time. I was young, only 15, and it was a very close family member, it took me a long time get past that.

I went to see my mum as I wasn’t there when she died, I had seen her to say goodbye a few days before. Because she was being move to another part of the country she had been embalmed. She looked very peaceful and better than when I’d seen her alive.
However I didn’t see my dad after he died. He wasn’t embalmed and my sister , who had been, warned me against seeing him because he looked awful.

Its very much down to you. Maybe ask another family member who has been about their experience.

When my grandad died I wasn't there either. I was undecided about going to the chapel of rest. People said to me that I would remember him that way. In the end I thought that I had enough memories and pictures to undo whatever image I may see. If I didn't go I wouldn't be able to change my mind and may regret it.

I did go. He did look a little different but not awful. I don't regret going. It was emotional. But I don't regret it.

Sorry for your loss

I have had both experiences - going to see them at the funeral home and not seeing them. In the long run, neither really made any difference to me or my grief or feeling of loss or acceptance etc.

Somehow, there was a sense of unreality, just standing there, inches away from them and looking directly at their face, it just didn't seem real or even begin to sink in that they were really dead. And even though I saw them like that, my memories are always of them living, not as I saw them then.

Basically, do what you feel is right for you.

I'm sorry for your loss. As people have said, it's a very individual thing, how people look after death & how the bereaved feel about seeing them. My very dear Dad collapsed at home, no warning. We 'tidied' him up to leave home with dignity. I visited him in Chapel of Rest & wrote a letter telling him how much I loved him and remembering lots of things we did in my childhood. I put it inside his jacket and it gave me a lot of comfort.

There is no right or wrong OP. When my grandma died my DB and I went to see her in the chapel of rest. It really helped my DB and he was glad he'd done it, whereas for me I found it upsetting......she looked peaceful but like a waxwork model and I couldn't shake the image from my mind. It definitely wasn't "her" if you see what I mean.

I suppose it was helpful in a way for me, only because I then knew I wouldn't want to do it again. When other people have died since then I've gone to the funeral home but asked for the coffin lid to stay closed..... I've said a few private goodbyes and in a couple of cases handed the funeral director some small items, photos etc to place in the coffin with my relative.

It is an individual decision for you to make, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Hi OP

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm a funeral arranger so used to dealing with chapel visits for loved ones to visit their deceased relatives. It's really a personal choice and depends whether you feel the need to say a final goodbye to your nanna.

If you decide to go ahead and, on the day can't face seeing your nanna, you could ask the funeral director to put a drape over the coffin so that you can sit and spend time/talk to your nanna without actually seeing her. I wouldn't be afraid of viewing because often the embalming process can make the deceased look a bit more 'well' than how they appeared when they died. Feel free to take in a letter or photos or other memorabilia to put in the coffin if you want to.

Whatever you decide, I hope it brings you peace .

As others have said there is no right or wrong answer.
I lost my Mum in March and mine and my sisters motto throughout the process was - if you even thing you might want to, do it, you'll regret it later if you don't.
It is all very nicely done and I have no regrets about seeing her in the place of rest. My Mum had actually already had her brain removed for research (she was only 64 when she died and had had Parkinson's for 30 years so she wanted her brain to be donated to help find a cure) when we saw her and even that was so respectfully and discretely done you couldn't even tell.
I touched my mum's face and gave her a few kisses, but my sister didn't feel comforatble with doing that herself, but we were both pleased that we got to go and say out last goodbyes.
As others have said they may not look 100% themselves and you may see their faces like that when you close your eyes at night for a while, but I still ahve no regrets and seeing her face in any form was better for me than regretting not saying goodbye one last time.
All the best
x

I’ve seen 4 people shortly or immediately after they’ve died, but not sure I’d want to after a few days.
A sister went to see our DF some days afterwards - I’d been there when he died, so didn’t feel the need.
Sister said she wished she hadn’t gone - he did look very dead by then, rather that just peacefully asleep. She’d rather have remembered him as he was before.

So I did go to see her in the end. It did bring me comfort but at the same time it was quite upsetting to see her laid there in the coffin and now I cant get the image out of my head. But I am glad I went.

I think the FD was a little surprised because I wasn't crying.. he kept bringing boxes of tissues and looked surprised to see me not crying, I just didn't feel the need. Maybe i am made of stone? I found the whole thing very surreal .

You're not made of stone but I think it helps when people had a good death. I'm glad it brought you comfort, it's all very fresh in your mind so you're bound to think about it every now and then, but it'll soon fade to the back of your mind, don't worry.

No, you're not made of stone! The tears will come if and when they want to. The grief comes in bursts and for me, much more likely to be in private than when there are people nearby. We are all different.

I don't regret seeing df in his coffin - he looked peaceful, and he had had a toigth few months prior to his death, so that was actually a preferable memory - though now I am much more likely to remember him in life, being a funny grandad with my dcs.

Bereavement can be very strange OP, I barely cried when my mother died even though we loved each other very much. I could have done with the release TBH and still, in a way, resent my body for going dry-eyed the way it did, but what can you do?

So sorry for your loss OP.

I imagine the funeral director was trying to be helpful. They will know very well that everyone reacts to grief differently and I'm sure thought nothing of a lack of tears any more than they would a waterfall of them, I wouldn't worry about that OP it really says nothing about anyone how they respond to these situations.

I'm glad the visit brought you comfort. I think it is only natural that there will be some short term shock and processing to seeing a loved one in the chapel of rest, it is not something we are often prepared for in life and is (one would hope) not a frequent situation for the majority of people.

Be kind to yourself, get plenty of rest and consciously remember her or revisit some family photographs, things will ease.

I went to see my mum a couple of weeks after she died. I was prepared that she might not look like herself, and there was obvious deterioration, but it didn't bother me that much and it's not how I remember her. She was ill for months beforehand and I'd chosen my favourite clothes of hers for the funeral, so she looked like her old self pre-illness, and I know she would have been glad to look "normal" again.

My brother didn't want to go, which I understood. It's not for everyone but I'm glad I did.