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Original poster

Please could the wisdom of MN help me to see the right way to deal with a very first world problem.

49 replies

Kendrickspenguin · 30/06/2022 07:25

My DS1 (13) is the loveliest young man I could ever wish to meet. He is kind, gentle, patient and generally fab. He has a dx of ASD, anxiety and difficulties with coordination, core strength and hyper mobility.

I believe that all children and young people benefit from extra curricular activities. It helps their social skills and confidence, as well as hopefully giving them some new skills.

Over the last 8/9 years DS1 has tried many, many different activities. He has said that he hated every single one of them. I have tried to match things to his interests and avoid things that it seems obvious he will dislike. However, he has tried a wide range of activities.

He is currently doing only one thing weekly which he begs me not to make him do. I hate forcing him, but it is only half an hour a week, and at least it means he is leaving the house and doing something. I have told him that he can stop this activity, but he must start something new. There is nothing he wants to do. He loves listening to music and watching really bad TV.

So, do I just let him give up the activity, or do I make him keep going?

Thank you

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/06/2022 07:28

He is leaving the house to go to school, yes ?

that is enough for some kids

leave him be, don’t force him to do anything

Trixiefirecracker · 30/06/2022 07:29

Is it something music related? Could you try learning an instrument. My son refused to do anything until his guitar lessons? Just a thought. I too would worry just watching telly isn’t enough…

Original poster
Kendrickspenguin · 30/06/2022 07:37

His current activity is drumming lessons. In terms of music related activities he has also tried a children's choir, a singing group, guitar lessons and a dancing and movement class.

OP posts:

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Kendodd · 30/06/2022 07:41

Agree with first poster. Leave him alone. If he's going to school that's enough. The only thing I'd do is facilitate him seeing friends outside of school with lifts, having his friends over etc.

ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler · 30/06/2022 07:46

Honestly by 13 I couldn't imagine forcing my DC to clubs etc. that they didn't want to go to.

WouldBeGood · 30/06/2022 07:50

I wouldn’t force him, as a mother of a similar aged ds.

ExtremelyDedicated · 30/06/2022 07:52

I don’t think you can force him. By all means make suggestions if anything new comes to mind, but some DC just don’t want to do anything more than school. It is possible he is finding school a lot more intense than DC without additional needs. Does he have any occupational therapy support for his conditions?

KathieFerrars · 30/06/2022 07:54

Ours did no extra curricular stuff because it was just more school for him. He did volunteer for a wood conservation group who did lots of chopping down trees for his Dof E. He also sails a dinghy. And had his first lessons at a very relaxed hey dude type place when he was 13. He then got my husband into it and they sail together now.

The things you have said are all things that ASD people may have difficulty with - choir - people, following instructions, noise, tuning. Drums - technique, noise. What we found was that we would have to go with him for the first few times and do the activity too. Is there something you or his dad could do with him that doesn't involve too many people. Mine loves going to NT properties so takes his camera. So not organised but still out.

Original poster
Kendrickspenguin · 30/06/2022 07:56

I never thought I would force my DC to do things either. However, DS1 is developmentally around 8/9, so he still needs a little more guidance than many young men his age. His cardiologist is also keen that he stays active. I thought drumming might work because it is music, involves some movement, and I read that it can improve physical fitness and coordination. I want to stop forcing him, but I also do not want to let him down.

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 30/06/2022 07:58

Tricky- I think I would back off for now and leave it open for something else down the line?

youth club
martial art (amazing for core strength and you’re only competing against yourself)
yoga (Ronaldo does it)
cooking
horse riding
geo cashing

Colinthesnail · 30/06/2022 07:58

Is doing an activity he hates and begs to stop really building his confidence or social skills?

Since you otherwise describe him as “fab” and he presumably goes to school I’d let him enjoy his free time how he wants to. He’s not 5 anymore, he’s had opportunities and exposure to lots of activities, it’s not worked out, time to leave him be.

motogirl · 30/06/2022 07:58

Would he prefer something like the rock project - less about individual lessons and more playing in a band. My asd dd loved choir from young and is now a classical musician and singing but she won't do anything she doesn't enjoy

WouldBeGood · 30/06/2022 07:59

I have bribed mine to do an activity I do for a bit. 😃Would that work?

Dinoteeth · 30/06/2022 08:01

Scouts?
But really by the time they get into their teens it needs to be something they want to do.
What do his friends do?

Beamur · 30/06/2022 08:02

Does he choose the activities?

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 30/06/2022 08:02

Let him stop. He hates it, and he is who he is.

FWIW DS31 is undiagnosed ASD. He is independent and happy, as long as he minimises his contact with the outside world. School was enough stress for him.

You say “I believe that all children and young people benefit from extra curricular activities. It helps their social skills and confidence, as well as hopefully giving them some new skills”. With respect, I think you need to reconsider this. All Children are not the same; I can’t see how drumming is going to help his social skills, I don’t know about his confidence but it’s not contributing to his happiness, and I’ve managed 64 years on this planet without being able to drum. He’s a teenager and it’s time for him to find his own way.

ofwarren · 30/06/2022 08:06

Leave him be
I have a teen with ASD and am also autistic myself and would have hated being forced into after school activities. I needed to recharge after a day at school.

stayingpositiveifpossible · 30/06/2022 08:13

From parents point of view it can be quite hard when you really think it is a good idea for them to do something and then their inclination and interests change and they don't want to do it.

Going to school is quite a lot of people contact as it is on a daily basis. Being forced to go kind of defeats the object.

You might well find if you leave it they might develop interests of their own.

Do you have a garden? Can you give them a small area to grow flowers or veg? Just a thought. Just to get some more movement in. Horse riding? Not necessarily every week but some young people connect with animals better.

ElephantsFart · 30/06/2022 08:16

ofwarren · 30/06/2022 08:06

Leave him be
I have a teen with ASD and am also autistic myself and would have hated being forced into after school activities. I needed to recharge after a day at school.

Yes. Time to recharge away from other people is really important for some people.

PresidentByeThen · 30/06/2022 08:17

Let him drop it.

All you're doing is giving him an ever growing list of stuff to dislike.

It is difficult I know, because we all want our children to grow and develop skills in things that they might be good at and enjoy. My kids used to hold a bit of interest right up to the point where we spent money on the gear, THEN tell me they didn't want to carry on- at least yours is telling you from the start! Grin

SingingSands · 30/06/2022 08:20

I'm with everyone else - let him drop the drumming, he's not enjoying it and the longer you force him to do it the more he's going to hate it.

For keeping active, he doesn't need a club. Just active parents. Weekends spent hillwalking are perfect. Visiting historical sites/NT properties usually involves miles of walking. Go to the beach, the moors, the forest, bike along the local canal. Just normal family stuff that doesn't come with expectations or pressure.

Mabelface · 30/06/2022 08:21

The noise will be hellish and overwhelming for him! You could steer him towards something like D&D role playing games instead. He'll meet with more like minded people. It's only worth him doing something if he likes it, otherwise it creates unnecessary anxiety.

From an autistic mum of autistic boys.

Coffeaddict · 30/06/2022 08:22

I wouldn't force him into a club if he doesn't want to but I would limit screen time. If he's not wanting to do anything because he just wants to watch telly then by limiting it he may find something he's interested in.

queenmabb · 30/06/2022 08:22

You're not forming a good relationship with your child. School is full-time. It's tiring. I was tired ever single day of school and hated it. I did some extra curricular stuff off my own back in secondary like drama, and did languages off my own back as an adult. I would have liked to be given opportunity to do things alongside school by my parents, but not forced.

I moved out at 18 as I did not like my parent telling me how to behave or live as an adult. Your child may do the same.

Imtoooldforallthis · 30/06/2022 08:23

Not exactly an activity, but does he like animals, could he volunteer at an animal charity, still will do a bit on his own, but still has to interact with others?

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