Please could the wisdom of MN help me to see the right way to deal with a very first world problem.

[Kendrickspenguin]

My DS1 (13) is the loveliest young man I could ever wish to meet. He is kind, gentle, patient and generally fab. He has a dx of ASD, anxiety and difficulties with coordination, core strength and hyper mobility.

I believe that all children and young people benefit from extra curricular activities. It helps their social skills and confidence, as well as hopefully giving them some new skills.

Over the last 8/9 years DS1 has tried many, many different activities. He has said that he hated every single one of them. I have tried to match things to his interests and avoid things that it seems obvious he will dislike. However, he has tried a wide range of activities.

He is currently doing only one thing weekly which he begs me not to make him do. I hate forcing him, but it is only half an hour a week, and at least it means he is leaving the house and doing something. I have told him that he can stop this activity, but he must start something new. There is nothing he wants to do. He loves listening to music and watching really bad TV.

So, do I just let him give up the activity, or do I make him keep going?

Thank you

Totally agree with this. Let him rest in the week and do fun family stuff at the weekend.

I’ve been thinking, and remembered ASD dd was similar but got a wee part time job doing something she liked at 14, and it was just brilliant for her. Just came about by chance, maybe something similar will happen along for your boy @Kendrickspenguin

Agree with everyone. You are a caring lovely mum who wants her DS to be happy. To what end are you forcing him to do the drumming? It's not making him happy.

I'd try in a more casual way to find sothing he actually enjoys. Is there something he could do at home with you that would be more fun, eg:
-experimenting with cooking and recipes
-growing plants, herbs or flowers from seed or gardening
-something creative like drawing or painting
-board games

Or something outdoors he could do with you:
-walking in the woods or at the beach
-exploring gardens
-photography

Or a sport that is more quiet and solo:
-Horse riding
-Orienteering
-Wild swimming

Oh gosh. I am a huge introvert and hated extra curricular activities as a child. I just prefer to do my own interests at my own pace. I am a well rounded adult with my own hobbies and interests, it just so happens they aren't playing the piano, playing badminton or any of the other activities that were inflicted on me as a child.

Leave him be.

DS was amazing at cricket and showed real talent but he hated it and wanted to play football. So he played football.

No one likes having to do something they dislike if anything you will be raising his anxiety and making him less likely to want to try new things.

Leave him be. Having ASD and anxiety probably makes the school day harder and he needs some downtime.

I do understand where you’re coming from op. I too wouldn’t want my 13yr old to be in his room all the time he’s not at school.
But I wonder if the problem for him with extra curricular stuff is the social side?
can you agree to no more on the condition that he goes outside for a walk or run or cycle a few times a week? Either alone or with a parent? Do you have a dog that needs walking?

I missed your post re the cardiologist advice.
Maybe suggest some activities that are good for core strength etc, but less structured than a class. Climbing, horse riding, walking, for example.
Social anxiety can be helped with appropriate exposure but he's also 13 which is peak adolescence awkward stage too. Is he more comfortable with adults? Maybe some voluntary work might be good - if he's thinking of DoE, that requires a commitment to new activities for a short period of time.
My DD has a fairly high level of social anxiety too, she's a bit older at 15 and is getting better at being around people but still finds it hard. She does a couple of quite sociable clubs and helps out with a Brownie pack. Being with a predictable and friendly group of people has given her more confidence.

Leave him be, 1 class is pretty good going at that age tbh. My DD & her friends grew to hate classes & dropped out around this age.

Though that said, DD (ASD too) & she is realising just how much help to her now, that her drama classes were. She's working in a bar to save for Uni & she'd very shy at times, so we weren't sure how she'd cope admits to "switching on the acting stuff" to cope with customers & she's now the most popular barmaid & also taking no shit from difficult customers either. So maybe suggest he could try that as it could be a great life skill for him

Please let him be himself.

Thank you very much everyone for giving me some perspective. I have emailed the drumming teacher to give his notice to stop the lessons.

I will keep offering him new things to try just in case there is something out there that he will enjoy.

Thank you everyone.

his confidence Is being crushed by making him go to these things. He obviously can't cope with these situations . Does he have drum pads/kit at home he might benefit from learning at home through YouTube or something, so he is doing his lessons keeping active but without the pressure of being outside in situations that are stressful.

Don't make him do the activity he hates. Ask him what else he wants to try.

I realise he's tried a lot already!

Try not to stress, just provide a supportive environment. I was the same at his age. It’s an awkward age. He will find interests that work for him in time.

You sound like a lovely parent BYW 💐

Oh & for EDS/JHMS friendly exercise I highly recommend a balance board, not expensive & fantastic for core strength & can even be used when gaming, watching tv etc. DD has EDS too & her physiotherapist recommended this & the runner bands too. DD has used hers a lot, I use it too

I would not force him to do it either
Has he tried swimming
Can he join an on line group for a hobby (sorry I not sure these exist)
Sorry I cannot be more helpful op

which sounds like a lot of nasty noise.

is he sensative to sound? there is probably a good reason he does not want to go.

another one for hypermobility: dd was recommended a gym ball to sit on.

Have you been given any physio to do?

Do you take him out at weekends? Then that’s time spent out doing something. Doesn’t need to be every weekend either. It’s absolutely fine to be at home and rest. Instead of making him do a class or activity, just take him out for a walk daily. That’s enough for his health and fitness as long as you’re walking at a good pace. Fresh air does everyone good. If he’s resistant or would rather not, make some kind of deal with him - in exchange he gets an extra half an hour up before bed (or something else that is of value to him). But stick to it!

Agree with cooking/baking if he’s interested. Also agree that if he has friends then facilitating him seeing them/having them over is plenty good enough. Is he a good reader? If so, get him a book on the subject when he expresses an interest in something.

Of course I understand completely that you want for him to be well-rounded and balanced and it’s important for him not to get sucked into a life that’s devoid of anything but watching bad television (listening to music is a good thing so that doesn’t count), but maybe try to be just a little less prescriptive about it. Not a criticism of course, because I know that the advantage of an activity is that a) it’s regular and b) you have to go. Does he have friends? As long as he has friends (one or two is plenty, doesn’t have to be a huge gang!) that he sees in person from time to time, that’s enough.

Lots of people are introverted and prefer a quieter life; nothing wrong with that.

My kids haven't shown any interest in sports or the normal kids clubs so I do worry there's nothing outside school but DD has school friends and is now old enough to go out with them at the weekend so will see people outside of school.

In terms of exercise my DD is now old enough to try some of the things I've liked which might not be someone else's cup of tea. I feel clumsy and uncoordinated so like something where I have my own space such as boogie bounce on trampolines or fight Klub which is boxing style moves using a bag to music. Might your DS be interested in something like that?

Sorry those things are quite loud.

Can you do activities at home with him?
Baking/cooking
Craft/art/model making/Lego
Jigsaws/board games
Yoga/exercise/Wii

Do you have a dog/any pets?
Would he like one?

Gardening?