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Original poster

What to say to a friend who is always too busy to see you

45 replies

INeedANewNameAgain · 29/06/2022 16:31

So I have a very dear friend. She's lovely she really is. We have children the same age and have known each other since 2019. Over lockdown our friendship really blossomed and all was well. We went for walks, saw each other as much as possible and really supported each other.

Now that life is back to normal her life is just very busy. We are all busy but she is always away, almost every weekend. Weeknights are taken up with sport training and hobbies so we don't see much of each other. I'm a much more laid back person and we don't travel much and our lives are quietly busy. I totally understand her life is different and I am not criticising this at all. I get it, we have different lives.

We quite often see each other in passing and have a chat and every single time she says "oh we really really must catch up, it's been ages". For a while I'd suggest dates or say text her after with a suggestion but she can't ever do them. It's a bit wearing being the only one to suggest things so I've stopped. She doesn't ever suggest we meet up on specific days.

But still she says 'oh we must catch up, it's been ages etc etc' and I just don't know what to say. Can she honestly not see that I would happily do this and it's basically her choice not to? I normally just say 'yes we must find a date' but I'm just getting bored. I sort of want to just snap 'well you are the one that's always busy!!!' just because I'm a bit irritated by it all.

First world problems I know but I can't be the only one.

OP posts:
emmathedilemma · 29/06/2022 16:38

oh i fear I am that friend.......did a lot with my "extended household" friend during lockdown but now things are back to normal we really have to make an effort to see each other (particularly as she can't do a lot of things I do with other friends). But unlike you we were friends before lockdown and didn't see each other all that often then.

SmileyPiuPiu · 29/06/2022 16:47

Just say that would be great, it's hard to fix a date as you seem busy so let me know when you are free.

gingersplodgecat · 29/06/2022 16:48

She's a user, sorry.

She spent time with you when there was nothing else for her to do and nowhere to go, but now she's back to her normal life, she doesn't need you any more.

Whenever she says 'Oh we must catch up, its been ages' the only response to that is:

'Yes, it has been a long time, hasn't it?'........<insert long pause here>........ You'll have to let me know when you're free'.

PenBrush · 29/06/2022 16:51

In her busy busy life, she's making time for the things that are important to her. She probably doesn't realise it, but she used you while there was nothing better to do (which no doubt suited you too) but now she doesn't need you.

I'd just leave it. If she wants to see you she will.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 29/06/2022 16:51

I think you need to be direct (and lower your expectations):

Direct: "I'd love to catch up Jane but you're never free. I'll leave it to you to suggest a date."

Expectations: in my experience, people do what they want. " We must..." doesn't mean anything unless she follows thru.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 29/06/2022 16:51

Tell her to sort the date. Or move on.

My friend has a philosophy of 3 strikes and out. Life’s too short to chase disinterested people.

l was friends with someone for 20 years. Suggested 4 meet ups, but she didn’t respond. Not contacted her since. That was 6 months ago. I liked her very much. But I’m not chasing someone.

Homewardbound2022 · 29/06/2022 16:52

@gingersplodgecat
Spot on. Sadly.

Original poster
INeedANewNameAgain · 29/06/2022 16:52

I don't think she is a user, we've just genuinely grown apart now that life is very different again. I'm ok with that. Friends for a season an all that.

I just hate all the 'oh we must meet up....' because.... Ugh it's not really genuine is it? She puts her weekends away and her hobbies above our friendship. Like I said that's fine, but own it!

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 29/06/2022 16:55

She's just being polite. It took me a long time realise this was a thing in the UK (I'm not from here originally), that people will say they want to meet up but it's more to be polite.

The correct answer is 'yes that would be great, I know you're away a lot so just let me know whenever you have time'. But then don't expect it to ever actually happen.

It doesn't mean she doesn't like you or care about you, but realistically you haven't been friends that long and she probably has a lot of other friends and interests that are just more important to her, as much as that hurts to hear.

minipie · 29/06/2022 17:00

I’ve got a friend like this. I’ve come to accept her for what she can offer: occasionally she will suggest a last minute meet up (when she happens to be free) and if I happen to be free, I’ll go because why not? She is good at keeping up whatsapp chat so we do that too. But I’ve stopped trying to make advance plans with her, there’s no point. That’s ok by me, different friends have different purposes/strengths.

I know the “must meet up” is annoying when it comes to nothing, but see it as a way of saying “I still like you” rather than insincere.

OwlBasket · 29/06/2022 17:00

My response in these sorts of situations tends to be ‘you seem to have the busier diary of the two of us, send me some dates you’re available and I’ll see if any of them fit with my plans’.

I have one very good friend where it works out that we need to make plans absolutely AGES in advance, months, it works well for us and we see each other really quite often now. Because we consistently plan ages in advance, meaning we can meet regularly. Not handy for a spontaneous lunch, but still very much worth it.

RampantIvy · 29/06/2022 17:12

I would hate to lead the kind of life where every single weekend has been planned to the nth degree. What about spontaneity?

Sarah2891 · 29/06/2022 17:29

Some people feel like they always have to say 'we must meet up' even when they have no intention of meeting up. It is bizarre.

Original poster
INeedANewNameAgain · 29/06/2022 17:34

@RampantIvy me too which is why we don't. My kids desperatly need downtime and time at home at the weekends. Plus I would find packing for weekends away really stressful.

But she feels differently I guess which is fine 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
perimenofertility · 29/06/2022 17:39

I don't think you need to snap at her with "well you are the one that's always busy", that's unnecessary. But when she says you must catch up soon you can just say "yes, it would be great to catch up, you seem to have so much on so I'll leave it with you to suggest a date, let me know when you are free". Either she'll find a time or she won't.

SMabbutt · 29/06/2022 17:56

You say you've grown apart, and she never gets back to you to meet up. So when you next see her in passing just wave and say can't stop. Call me some time when you're not too busy. Then go on your way without any irritating and meaningless murmurings about getting together.

EmmaH2022 · 29/06/2022 19:09

You could fade her out?

I don't think there's much point talking to her about it but I may be projecting my own experience.

queenmabb · 29/06/2022 19:33

"Thanks that was really fun, we should do it again sometime, I'll call you"

Original poster
INeedANewNameAgain · 29/06/2022 21:05

I can't really fade her out anymore than we have already.

We live in a small rural village and both our kids attend the local school. It's a v small community and I see her at the local shop, walking the dog, school run etc. I'd say that once every two weeks or so we do something impromptu together for half an hour or so like pop round to each other's houses after school or go to the park on a Saturday morning. But only it'll be something we decide at the school gate or she'll knock on my door as it's on the way to the park. It's definitely a case of me being the last choice. Like "oh I'm free and at a loose end, I'll see what INeedANewNameIsUpTo". But I text to organise something or suggest something it's always like 'oh we are going for dinner with x or we are away in y that weekend. We had loose plans for ages for an evening together, at the theatre that I could do with my other friends but said I'd do with her. She cannot commit to a date to get tickets but would 'absolutely love to go' so is literally insistent that it'll happen. She has many polite 'outs' and it would be easy for her to say 'oh I'd love to but it's just so busy, you go without me'.

Also she is constantly complaining about how tired they are and how much they have to do. They really really make life difficult for themselves. I dont think I've ever known them to spend a whole half day at home. They are usually out twice a day every single day. I personally would find it absolutely exhausting but perhaps I'm projecting.

I think she does like me as a friend and enjoys the time we have together but doesn't place an value on me. Perhaps because in her eyes I'm always around and am 'boring'.

But I'm in my 40's now and I just can't be bothered. I have plenty of good friends (I just choose to be less busy than her) and much as I love her I also find it all a bit draining and stressful.

OP posts:
Bloodybridget · 29/06/2022 21:12

We have neighbours, a couple up the road, who've been saying "we must get together for a proper catch up" for about ten years! We just say, oh yes that would be great, every time. But they have never been close friends like your friend, OP.

I think in your situation I might say, do tell me some times you can do, and stop offering her dates.

Gymnopedie · 29/06/2022 21:47

I just hate all the 'oh we must meet up....' because.... Ugh it's not really genuine is it?

The response, with just a slight touch of steel in your voice, is 'Yes we must. I'm sure you'll let me know when you're free.' Then change the conversation.

EmmaH2022 · 29/06/2022 23:19

Gymnopedie · 29/06/2022 21:47

I just hate all the 'oh we must meet up....' because.... Ugh it's not really genuine is it?

The response, with just a slight touch of steel in your voice, is 'Yes we must. I'm sure you'll let me know when you're free.' Then change the conversation.

This is a good option.

Lilyann60 · 30/06/2022 07:56

I’m a bit like your friend and I know exactly why……. Met a new man 4 years ago. Recently moved in together still locally for me … not him. He has a big family and wide circle of friends who like to come and stay or we go to stay with them. He has elderly parents to visit as much as he can . I’ve also got the same big family and long-standing circle of lovely mates .He works full time

I have an elderly mum I’m often helping. We like to get away on cheap caravan holidays as much as possible ( life too short and all that ) . I have lots of hobbies so consequently we struggle to see everyone regularly.

What I’ve always tried to do once a year is have one great big invite everyone party maybe for my birthday so we can see everyone . We haven’t been able to do this for two years because of lockdowns etc.

I’m guilty of saying we must catch up then I look at the diary to find a free date and its months away. Tbh it stresses me out. I’d love a quiet weekend to do stuff round the house but that doesn’t happen enough. I love all my friends, I truly do.I’d hate to think that I’ve upset or annoyed any one.

For me a catch up is often join me for a walk with my dog !
I’ve retired since my husband of 40 years died but I feel I’ve never been so busy .

Trainfromredhill · 30/06/2022 08:03

I just hate all the 'oh we must meet up....' because.... Ugh it's not really genuine is it?

spot on. When someone says this to me (and assuming it’s someone I want to meet) I will send them a list of dates I’m free. If they don’t reply I leave it. My life is busy too and I don’t have time to chase after insincere people.

Trainfromredhill · 30/06/2022 08:12

@Lilyann60
I’m guilty of saying we must catch up then I look at the diary to find a free date and its months away

my diary is normally booked months in advance. ATM I’m sending people meet up dates into October….and friends seem happy with that. A few weeks ago a friend (single, no kids, teacher) asked for dates so I duly sent a selection of July and august dates and she replied she couldn’t think that far ahead and could I get back to her in August!!!! I didn’t reply that by august my diary will be full- and she isn’t the type of friend who I can message and say ‘actually I’m free now next Tuesday would that work?’ Because she’ll have something planned. So I’ve kind of accepted that I probably won’t see her again. I do have about 2 friends that I see regularly and we tend to have last minute meet ups combined with dog walks or a run, but they are very longstanding friends who more or less know what’s going on in my life week to week, so it’s not a huge catch up every time, a quick 30 minute check in coffee is acceptable.