What to say to a friend who is always too busy to see you

[INeedANewNameAgain]

So I have a very dear friend. She's lovely she really is. We have children the same age and have known each other since 2019. Over lockdown our friendship really blossomed and all was well. We went for walks, saw each other as much as possible and really supported each other.

Now that life is back to normal her life is just very busy. We are all busy but she is always away, almost every weekend. Weeknights are taken up with sport training and hobbies so we don't see much of each other. I'm a much more laid back person and we don't travel much and our lives are quietly busy. I totally understand her life is different and I am not criticising this at all. I get it, we have different lives.

We quite often see each other in passing and have a chat and every single time she says "oh we really really must catch up, it's been ages". For a while I'd suggest dates or say text her after with a suggestion but she can't ever do them. It's a bit wearing being the only one to suggest things so I've stopped. She doesn't ever suggest we meet up on specific days.

But still she says 'oh we must catch up, it's been ages etc etc' and I just don't know what to say. Can she honestly not see that I would happily do this and it's basically her choice not to? I normally just say 'yes we must find a date' but I'm just getting bored. I sort of want to just snap 'well you are the one that's always busy!!!' just because I'm a bit irritated by it all.

First world problems I know but I can't be the only one.

I'd love to catch up Jane but you're never free. I'll leave it to you to suggest a date."

That or, "have you got your calendar on your phone? We could pencil in a day now if you like"

Because some friends and I ended up almost losing touch because of our inertia, we now pencil in a day in the future before we say goodbye. That date is always open to amendment, but we realised that the alternative of just leaving plans open ended never worked and just resulted in loss of contact.

I told my best friend I wasn’t going to beg and the ball was in her court.
simple and honest.
she kept apologising for being so busy but in reality she wasn’t she just couldn’t be arsed to do anything.

Just take the positives from the friendship that you enjoy, like the chatty WhatsApps and the impromptu hangouts, and leave it at that. I highly doubt it's anything personal about you.

I am incredibly busy- dc, family, in laws, work full time, house etc etc. so are all my friends. No one takes offence we just enjoy the fun stuff when we can.

If someone isn't free or we don't manage to make a plan, I just get on with doing something else.

Also I second @saraclara 's advice- this is the most effective way to guarantee friend time. Plus a family calendar on the kitchen wall that evidences to DP things are booked in and can't be moved because he forgot.

But OP, you say in your update that you do see one another on an impromptu basis every couple of weeks for a coffee or post-school run walk, so it’s not as if you don’t ever see your friends — is what you’re irritated by her failure to schedule planned meeting-ups?

Isn't it just a British thing that we say (I am British). Its the same as " Gosh you look well, how are things ?" Nobody actually thinks you look especially well and they certainly don't want to know how things are.
You were a friend when all the other things she enjoyed had shut down. Sadly you are not more important than the hobbies and things so she isnt making you a priority. You will never be as important again.
Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option in theirs.

I would say ‘sounds good, text me some dates when you’re free’ and leave it as that.

Exactly this.

I've been in your situation several times.

I can honestly say I never say 'we must meet up' unless I mean it, and then I try very hard to make it happen.

So I find it very tough when people do this.

Basically they quite enjoy meeting you & hanging out but you (me!) are not that important to them & they won't make the effort.

The only response is to value yourself, stop making the effort & respond as this poster suggests. Doesn't mean it's not hard though.

I had 2 really good or so I thought, good friends and overtime they became so wrapped up in themselves it was draining so I kept my distance only saw them occasionally

Obviously didn't see a them during COVID19 it was a relief to be honest

Then my mum died and neither of them sent me so much as even a card.

Game over I have nothing to do with either of them I've blocked them both

I've been busy the past three months with postponed events from the last two years. Every weekend has been away, or with busy local plans.

And I'm exhausted. Flat exhausted.

I love my hobbies and a solid domestic routine. They provide me with calm, stability and good mental and physical health. I am just about able to check in with them once a week.

In two weeks, my busy times will be finally over, and damn right that I'll focus on personal space and time rather than MORE engagements. But the beauty of really deep friendships is that they can be picked up where you left off. If this isn't one, then so be it.

Are you still friends or did it fade out?

I haven't explicitly said this to anyone.

shes fake, if she really wanted to meet she would arrange something. Its the actions that count not words.

Put perfectly.

Yes definitely this. She is definitely fading you out in practice even if not in words and it is always best to judge people by their actions rather than their words. If her comment is repeatedly bothering you just don’t engage with it in whatever way that works best for you.

But only it'll be something we decide at the school gate or she'll knock on my door as it's on the way to the park. It's definitely a case of me being the last choice

So stop being available when she does this...or be available and accept that your friend is busy with other people at other times.

Sounds like she doesn’t want to spend extra time with you but doesn’t want to actively fall out or make things awkward. Just accept you don’t have that kind of friendship anymore.

People always find time when it’s something they really want to do.

I imagine she feels bad, you spent a lot of time together in the lockdown. She effectively used you to fill the time when everyone/everything else was unavailable to her, and since then you have been quietly downgraded, and it is hurtful. She is aware of it too, hence the constant suggestions to meet up that never materialise. Other friendships have taken a higher priority.

i would waste no more time on this fair weather friend. I certainly wouldn’t be accepting second best invitations to the park. ‘ sorry Jane I am just meeting a friend, have fun’

i would fade out the WA messaging too. This pretence at friendship is not good for you, you would be better off investing all of your time in reciprocal friendships that make you valued and important. She makes you feel second rate, second best and it is the very opposite of a warm and caring friendship. Downgrade her to a passing friendly wave and spend your time with real friends.

It took me a long time to understand the meaning of ‘friendship of convenience’
They are definitely not ‘deep’ friendships, but by definition they are picked up and dropped randomly every few months, with very little personal investment or real connection.

These types of friendships really work for some people who like the idea of ‘Friends’ but don’t tend to want much beyond the superficial and window dressing of a busy social life, but it only works if both people are happy with surface level meet ups every now and then, it rarely works for people that are looking for deeper connection, support and companionship. It’s not very satisfying - the McDonald’s version of a drive through friendship.

She is a McDonald’s friend and you prefer French fine dining on a weekly basis with a full debrief and wine pairing! Let her find ‘McDonald’ friends and you stick with your own values.

one thing life has taught me is that McDonald friends are literally nowhere to be seen in a crisis, they simply don’t have the time for your problems, ever, but will happily draw on your goodwill given half the chance expecting your dull life to stop in its tracks to prop them up - and become very aggrieved when they realise their friends are all ‘busy’ and their fast food friends are not so appealing or available when life kicks them in the fanny.
Avoid the drive throughs friend at all costs, preserve your health, time and well being by choosing better and French dining will serve you well for decades to come in all weathers!

Be pleasant if you bump into her, and forget she exists the rest of the time. She's just spouting words. If she wanted to see you, she would.

But your most recent post says you spend time together every couple of weeks! That’s loads for a busy adult.

I catch up with my local good friends maybe once every couple of months! Because we’re all busy and all have lots of people in our lives that we need to fit in.

I saw my lockdown bubble friend once a week during lockdown. That doesn’t mean I expect to see her frequently now that life is back to its busy self.