Need some help, overwhelmed

[Val17]

Name changed for this, long time poster....Will try to keep it brief...

I'm in a state, I'm 44 my ds is 11. Lone parent since he was 10mths old, domestic violence survivor. He hasn't seen his "father" for 10yrs, never had a penny from him etc. I was physically, emotionally, financially abused. Had about 20k on my name from my ex, which I've sorted over time.

I'm in a 2 bed flat. It's mortgaged since my ds was a baby. Over the years as a lone parent anything broken or needing repair has had to be left, I couldn't afford anything. In fact with childcare in the earlier yrs my mum and dad had to help with food shop quite a bit. I worked hard in my job, doing OK now but took a lot of sacrifice. 11yrs on now without much break, I feel run ragged.

Place is a tip, just stuff everywhere. I've been sleeping on a camp bed in my sons room for yrs. I think I've spent about 4 nights total in my own bedroom since he was born. There is junk everywhere. It's disorganised. So many repairs need to be done because I could never afford it, would never ask anyone for help. My family are kind but I've never wanted to burden anyone. Washing everywhere, floors part done badly by ex years ago before ds was born, new boiler needed, can't do new boiler until flue hatches done, oven doesn't work, loads of lights don't work, broken wall sockets, balcony is a mess, my bedroom lord knows and im terrified of spiders that are in there (i bet theyve loved having my room to hang out in for a decade)...list goes on.

My ds is lovely, he's a great kid. I want our home to be better. I really want to move this year as he moves into secondary but the mountain of stuff to fix and do is paralysing me. Nobody gets invited here ever.

I have a good job, important role, I'm organised at work (busy and stressed but who isnt)...why can't I get my own shit sorted and how can I get this done?

You sound like you have a lot on your plate :(
Can you afford any if the repairs now OP? I'd probably tackle your bedroom first so you at least have your own room.

Just do 1 thing a day. I have depression and clutter builds up massively when I'm unwell.
I pick a box/drawer/bag/fill a laundry basket and sit with it in front of the tv sorting it.

Sometimes it's just 1 thing a week but once you start it's surprising how quickly you get through things.

Ok take a deep breath op. You have written it all out and posted on here. You have done the right thing in reaching out. I get a sense from your post that you are overwhelmed. My advice would be to write everything down on a bit of paper or notepad that needs doing. Colour code easy tasks, medium tasks and hard tasks. Then for each task put a timeline beside it. Every week commit to sorting out the minimum of two tasks.

Please keep posting here we can help you with advice or diy tips.

When we are overwhelmed even the small tasks seem like mountains 💐

Get four days booked off work
long weekend maybe? Gut the flat top to bottom and do some skip runs for stuff you don’t need! Create the space to be clean and organised then make your next move- and get your own space in your own room as your son is going to be turning into a man in no time :)
he will need his own space. Do something nice with your bedroom- sometimes just a clean and tidy room is all you need to think. Don’t get overwhelmed. Tidy space- tidy mind.
Pick a playlist of tunes to clean to, make endless brews and blitz it! Good luck x

Also when your finished light candles as that always makes it feel cosy ;)

I can relate to this. You just get along through life and as long as you can manage then things don't need doing. It sounds like you do need to allocate specific time to this project. It will be hard to get around to though.

1. Make list of ALL the jobs that need to be done
2. Place them in order of priority
3. Declutter, clear out.

If your boy is 11 then about the time to start sleeping in own room.

Clear out your room. Paint it (kid can help?)

Actually..... you could apply to be on one of those make over shows maybe?

Yes I can afford some repairs @LouBriccant I guess I just feel like I need to get the place looking less crazy before anyone comes in to do anything, although some things I can likely tackle myself. It just feels insurmountable. I dream of just walking out of this mess...but I know I need to sort it.

Thanks @007DoubleOSeven and sorry to hear of your depression. Doing 1 thing a day sounds good to try, I just fear I will lose the motivation or energy after a few days and then I'll lose my way again.

You have two months. Suggest:

A brutal decluttering, at least one bag a week of anything you hate/does not fit/does not work/is broken.

Then do one room at a time as messy = not having repairman in, even when you can eventually afford it.

After junk gone (could someone take stuff to skip for you?) look for any help available for cooker or boiler

www.turn2us.org.uk/

www.gingerbread.org.uk/what-we-do/

Ask your son to help you, put on some music and tackle it together? (The spiders at least). 20 mins on, 5 min break, 20 mins on, 5 min break

Remove distractions e.g. Switch off internet, put your phone away
Have a treat ready for each thing done.

The cause is more likely depression/exhaustion/trauma/shame spiral so a GP appointment might help get you there in terms of vitamin D, anti depressants but atm it is all chicken-egg.

I think there is a fly lady type thread on MN if shiny sink first mantras help you. Or you could start a cleaning thread and ask others to join you.
Hugs x

Thank you @Noglassjustthebottleandastraw that's a really good idea. A list will help me organise myself more and I can see my progress. Hopefully it helps with motivation. I do feel really overwhelmed, you're right...I can't get started and even basics now like washing up after dinner is becoming one more thing that I can't take! But I do want to change the situation, I can't just dwell on it and stare at the mess forever.

Appreciate the suggestions @Cakeandcoffee93 thank you. As it happens I have probably 2-3 days coming up soon in about a week, off work and my ds is going on a school trip so won't be at home. I had planned to rest, but using some time to make a bit of progress on the flat would be sensible...wouldn't it be nice for ds to come back to a decluttered flat at least. I'll use that as some motivation! I'll get some music on as well

I'm quite a private person @Lessofallthisunpleasantness so not sure about a TV show....although that would be fab, to go and return to a totally refreshed flat! But yes, life just goes on and then you stop and realise what a mess you're in. Honestly lights not working I've just got used to, we wander around barely able to see in the evenings. Ds makes jokes about these things but it's not fair to him at all..once I declutter I will get the electrician in to sort that it should be easy/not too expensive. Ds is always happy to help with things, so can ask him to muck in at some point.

I will get a list together tomorrow....

Thanks @OverwheImedtoo (glad it's not just me!). I do think a more agressive tackling of things is my best bet, dragging it out will just probably mean my energy and motivation gets lost along the way....then I'll be back here in a year asking you all the same question

Skip is tricky but I could probably ask my mum to help with transporting stuff to the dump etc. I can't order a normal skip either as flat is not easy to do these things/nowhere for the skip to be if you see what I mean.

I can do it room by room yes, my ds would definitely help and I can try and make a good start when he's on his trip in about a week, in terms of decluttering. He will be a support with spiders until they actually appear 😂but just him being there will mean I have a buddy and I'll be slightly less terrified

And yes I think I may be depressed, exhausted, dealing with trauma...any one of those things really....but getting my home sorted will definitely help my mental health. I need to do it, it's worth doing. I'm getting back pain from my camp bed and I work hard, so feel like I should treat myself better. Why I've let this carry on, I don't know.

Glad I could be of help @val17 for the decluttering part might I suggest one room a week or month. Think small and manageable rather than boom or bust. Please try not to worry about things or over stress about it all.

Even if you bin two things a day or do the dishes in a day that's still progress and if you start to feel bad. Then just say fuck it... tomorrow is a new day!

You could sort out things to take to the tip
Things to sell on Ebay, vinted, Facebook.

Things to donate to the charity shop

Pinterest and Google are fab for low cost easy decorations ideas.

Give yourself a time limit on each task so it doesn't take you say 1 hour to declutter 1 drawer.

Declutter first then clean.

Clean from the top first to the bottom.

Don't overspend on cleaning products as all you really need is a few things.

Also Facebook market place is brilliant for second hand items and don't be shy to barter on prices.

Getting the house decluttered and tidy first before doing work is a great plan, OP.

Have a look at 'Dana K White decluttering' on YouTube whilst you're resting - her videos are great on how to tackle decluttering if you're overwhelmed.

Flylady is also good, particularly for sorting out a simple cleaning routine. She advocates setting a timer for 15 mins (or less, if that's too much), and then doing one task such as picking up rubbish until the timer goes off.

Also just to say, be kind to yourself. You've been doing the best you can, and it's great you now want to do more. Good luck!

1 bag of rubbish at a time, at least 1 a day.
good luck

I would start making your bedroom a nice place to sleep. Tidy and clean and declutter it. Then sleep in it! Your little boy is eleven and will need his own space soon. Sleeping in a camp bed can't be very restful for you. Can you start making that transition first? And then once you have some good sleep behind you, you may have more energy for the rest. Good luck

watch sort your house out on iplayer for some inspiration. It sounds like you need a major de clutter. You need things out fast so I wouldn’t bother with selling. Bin and charity.

I know the feeling, currently doing a big clean out myself after letting things overwhelm me.

I’d definitely start with your bedroom, get that nice and clean & tidy so you can sleep in there. When I did mine a few weeks ago I bought some new sheets, it was the best feeling sliding into fresh sheets in a tidy room! I wiped everything down with a vanilla spray too so it smelt lovely.

I always try and work from the back of the house to the front, so I do main bedroom/ensuite first, then main bathroom, kids rooms, then kitchen then living area.

First thing is get rid of any rubbish in each room. Music is a must!

The kitchen and living area get neglected for a few days but by sorting the bedrooms out first, it’s much easier to then get in there and put away things that have been left lying about in the lounge room, and put away the piles of clean laundry sitting in baskets everywhere 🤪

Try and get a big chunk done while your DS is away, do as much as you can in the day and then enjoy a nice relaxing night each night, maybe get a take away or something to celebrate what you got done.

DS can help you finish the rest when he gets back, and then you could do a special movie night or something together to enjoy your fresh tidy space.

Good luck 💐

I've been where you are OP and completely recognise the overwhelmed feeling, it sucks. You've had good advice on how to tackle it already so I won't overload you but it can definitely be done, my house was pretty bad (30 black bags of rubbish out of one room at one point ) and although it's still not perfect it's a million times better than it was.

One thing I did want to mention is peppermint oil, spiders hate it! A few drops in water in a spray bottle and spritz round your bedroom before you start clearing should mean the spiders scarper and you can crack on without worrying about them. And if there are any other obstacles preventing you from getting started now is the time to identify them and figure out how to remove them, we can help if you need us to. You can 100% sort this though and it will be like a weight has lifted, you don't realise how much 'stuff' weighs you down until you get rid of it (for your lovely new bedroom when it's finished )

I would try and get control of kitchen including laundry, clothes and bedding and towel storage. Once those two things are sorted you are half way there. Good luck x

Please look at the declutterhub podcast and website. It has really helped me declutter and focus on one thing at a time. It must be so hard and you sound overwhelmed but one thing at a time.

Also look into pomodoro timer app. It gives you 25 minute to work then 5 min break and it made me do more cos i knew i had the break to sit and rest for 5 min.

Oh OP, you do sound very overwhelmed.

Is there anyone in your life who is trustworthy and non-judgemental who might be willing to help you out?

When your son is away on his trip would be a great time to have a massive declutter but I think you've got a better chance of making real progress if you have someone with you to keep you accountable and help you make decisions about stuff.

Once you've got rid of a ton of stuff you'll be able to see much more clearly what repairs need doing, and make a plan.

Where abouts do you live OP? I have a home organisation business if you needed any help.

Thanks for all the replies on this, you've all been so helpful Sorry for my slow reply but work has been mad and i spent yesterday and this morning getting a really big list together. It's mammoth but at least I know where I am and can keep track over the next few weeks/months.

@Noglassjustthebottleandastraw Im going to take your advice and do it room by room.

My plan is to kick off with the bathroom tomorrow morning, as that room is a relatively quick win - there are no major repairs needed and it's generally OK as it's the bathroom/prioritised for cleaning. It's probably the nicest room in the house, maybe I should just sleep in there! 🙂it should be motivating and then I will tackle the hallway....because until that's clear I can't even get into my bedroom to declutter it!

I plan to get up and do an hour first thing as a minimum effort...depending on my energy and other things happening I can do more, but feel as though setting some kind of minimum a day will get me in a bit of a routine and flow. Setting a timer is a fab idea @Speedweed thank you and @mrsjackrussell for the pomodoro suggestion!

@Blusteryday101i would love to be in my room and you're right the camp bed I uncomfortable and it's all a bit ridiculous to be honest 😳i need to do the hallway though as right now I can't even access the door to the bedroom. But it's definitely high up on the list!

Good point about the laundry @MrsDrSpencerReid ...at the moment my own clothes are in piles heaps around the living room, because the bedrooms are completely bonkers. I need to create space to get in and use the actual storage 😅I'm hoping to get a decent amount done over the weekend and then a lots of action the following long weekend when ds is away. I'm setting myself a goal to make sure ds smiles at the place when he returns. Clearly it won't all be done and lots of repairs, but if it's decluttered and looking clearer..that would be wonderful!

@babyjellyfish I don't think I could ask anyone
I'm really embarrassed. I have a real fear of needing to call an ambulance or something and them coming in and being disgusted by the mess. The grocery delivery guy gets held at bay every few weeks, I lug it all in myself and panic if he tries to hold open my front door for me. 😂I'm foing to be ruthless because I just want it all out of the flat. If I could hoover it all up and out, I would do it!

That tip about peppermint oil could be life-changing @Renniesfixeverything ! Thank you so much, I'm going to give that a try at the weekend. Quick spray, wait 30mins and then crack on! Hopefully it works. Ds has offered to help me this weekend too, so should be able to make decent headway.

@Quicknamechangefortoday thanks so much, Im in North London, but as above I'm probably too embarrassed! If I decide I need help I will reach out though, appreciate the offer

sorry if I've missed anyone in terms of reply but thanks again everyone that's popped on with a tip or quick message of encouragement! I've been really stressed, not sleeping over it and overwhelmed. But now I have a list, I realise many on this thread say they've gone through the same....so I'm sure I can fix this! I feel a lot more positive already.

So what I'm going to do is post here with my progress every few days to keep myself on track....a few mention decluttering they are doing now so feel free to post too. Maybe we can keep each other going!

I might even be brave enough to post a few pics...

Keep us updated, use the updates to help motivate you.

Thank you @Weenurse