My 3 &1/2 year old just got in my bed and peed

[Helpmeihavea3yearold]

After a tough week of tantrums and meltdowns and pushed to the limit of tiredness, he got in my bed and just said 'I've just weed in your bed mummy'
Not just a little wee but a full bladder wee. Think the duvet has to be binned as it won't fit in the washing machine.

I'm furious and upset. He doesn't have accidents he's done it on purpose because he wanted to apparently.
It's made me have a complete meltdown, I'm probably overreacting but I need some advice, what would you do? Say?

I feel totally out of control as he's so hyper at the moment and I feel like I'm failing at being the mum I wanted to be.

A complete meltdown?

you’re the adult here, what do you mean by meltdown?

disinterested disappointment, making him help with boring cleaning tasks then a proportionate punishment this morning ie not going to park as planned would’ve done it

it’s pretty grim but he’s clearly looking for a reaction for some reason

Sorry meant ds having the meltdowns.

He's a baby. A dog would do it more often and smell worse.

I thought you were going to say, ' He weed in my bed and has gone back to his own.'

Do? Clean the bed, get a new duvet. Tell him seriously and quietly that if it happens again he won't be able to come into your bed. Have a stock of towels ready to throw over any wet patches in emergencies, and get some mattress protectors, so it's not such a big deal.

You'll get over it. Don't make it such a big thing that it's a traumatic experience in his life.

What is setting him off? It sounds a bit more than typical toddler tantrums. Does he go to nursery? Have they raised any concerns?

I say this as a mother who made a lot of dramas out of non-events, and who made many, many mistakes. The less you make of it, the better. x

You said 'It's made me have a complete meltdown'. What did you do? No judgement here , I have covid and I've shouted at my 2 and 4 year olds plenty this week.
This does seem extreme toddler behaviour if it wasn't an accident. Can you have an hour to yourself today?

He isn't a baby he's 3 years old. He did it deliberately and there need to be sanctions.

A child who is 4 is not a baby and it's remarkably daft to say he is.

4 next birthday

It's made me have a complete meltdown,

What happened?

What sanctions is a three year old going to understand, honestly?

Tell him it was very naughty and he can’t watch cartoons this morning, or whatever his usual treat is, because you are all going to the laundrette to use their big washing machine (and do that - laundrettes have massive washing machines that will easily fit a king size duvet). Sit there watching it wash all morning, with no phone or distractions. That should bore him enough not to do it again.

Take the duvet to your local laundrette your don’t need to bin it! They’ll have a machine big enough or they’ll service wash it for you.
goodness my DD has vomited on ours lots of times I wouldn’t have binned it after each time.

Did he just come through and deliberately pee in your bed? Was there a stressful situation while he was there and he did it? Is he ok, as in not a urine infection?

Launderettes have machines big enough to fit duvets in - I'd take it there.

I would be furious if a 3.5-year-old did this though. Why on Earth would he do such a thing? Does he have SEN? I can't fathom any circumstances where either of my kids would've deliberately peed on my bed. It's just such a spiteful and unreasonable thing to do. I'd have lost my shit too!

Wash the duvet in the bath?

He's had lots of meltdowns all week following our family holiday, guessing it's tiredness or over excitement or bored. I just don't know anymore. He's been super manic all week which usually means tired.

I told him off, shouted then cried. I feel I've failed him.

I know it's a small thing in the scheme of things but it's so frustrating. He said he just wanted to do it so I don't know what to think.

@Helpmeihavea3yearold

Little sod!

Hard to know why he's been a trying little bugger this week (tired/heat/because he can) but he's 3, it's kind of their 'thing'

You Don't need to throw the duvet away, just find a laundrette & shove it in one of their big machines, or maybe even a friend or neighbour with a bigger machine than yours. A bit of wee isn't really a big deal if washed.

As for DS, as much as you probably do NOT feel so inclined right now, can you spend the weekend love bombing him? It's surprisingly effective (even when you'd rather rehome them!!). Go to the park, get some fresh air & an ice cream, play Lego/cars/superhero's. Go swimming? Have an easy lunch & picnic tea. Snuggle up with his favourite programs/books. Just focus on him, leaving all non essentials.

it'll probably do you both hood this weekend!

when they're looking for a reaction, underreact. Don't feed the tantrum monster!!

@JuneJubilee This is very helpful and really good advice. I will do that, thank you. Hope it works!

You haven't failed him. You've shown him you are human,you have emotions and feelings too and that when he makes wrong choices people will get upset and that there are consequences for his actions.

This morning he needs to help strip the bed, spend some boring time watching the duvet being washed and dried at the laundrette and then help to make the bed again. If any plans get cancelled because of that... oh well.

When he says he wanted to, you have to remember he's saying this with his 3 yr old head, he's not thinking of inconvenience, grossness or cot. I find disinterested/little reaction works best (not easy obviously) and if you feel it was deliberate and not due to anxiety/incontinence etc a consequence today would be appropriate.

Yep, what @JuneJubilee said.

And spell out why.
"I can see you're all wound up and fretful (whatever words you use at home for 'past it'!). We'll have a special weekend where we help each other calm down and get comfy again. We'll make a sofa fort, have ice lollies, read stories and blah blah blah."

Mine used to say disapprovingly 'someone's overtired!'.
There are nicer ways to teach your child how to regulate their emotions when everything's out of whack!

My superking duvet fits in my machine if I cram it in. Otherwise go to the laundrette today with it.

Again like PP deal with it in a bored mummy is busy kind of way so when he asks to play etc just state calmly oh we can't do that because I have this bed to sort. Repeat a few times.
The go about your day.

Later on i would ask him what happened to your bed, then linking to who and why?

This will give you a chance to calmly state that is not acceptable behaviour.

You could act a bit disingenious saying if he needed a wee and it was an accident it should have been toilet time because you are sure it wasn't deliberate
because that would be unacceptable and mean he can't get in your bed ever in case that happens again

Totally agree.
and not allowed in your bed for a long time.

He’s not a baby.

Some really good advice here, thanks so much for making me feel a bit more human. I've felt like a bit of a failure all week as I'm not used to all these tantrums.

He does go to nursery twice a week but only been once a week recently because of holidays/sickness/inset days etc. I think he's definitely needing more nursery time.

Is he running a temperature if he’s out of sorts? My DS sometimes used to wet the bed if they had a fever long after they were potty trained. Sometime it was the first indication they were coming down with something. Maybe he just wanted into your bed for comfort and didn’t do it intentionally.