How to help 8 year old with no friends

[Nevillethefathamster]

Hi everyone, thanks in advance for any advice or guidance. My DS is 8 and in Year 3. He is currently going through the autism diagnosis process and his main issue is social communication. He has never really had a friend- he plays alone at school and doesn't seem to know how to join in games or conversations. It's starting to bother him now although he doesn't easily open up about it. From what we can gather, he's not particularly popular. He doesn't play football which seems to be a big thing...he doesn't like contact sport and wouldn't ever join a game anyway. And other children seem to do a lot of the "you're not allowed to play with us" kind of thing. I fear this casual but constant peer rejection is eating away his (already non existent) confidence . His class teacher has expressed concern that he is left out a lot and they manage what they can in the classroom- obviously they don't have much control over what goes on in the playground though. We've tried clubs/beavers and cubs/ but he doesn't seem to be able to make a connection with anyone. We have tried to talk to him about friendships, how to give/take/hold conversations etc but he's not very responsive and doesn't seem to follow up on anything when at school.
It's breaking my heart to think of my child having no friends.

Has anyone got experience of children who seem to be rejected by their peers but who somehow (even when older) overcome this and find even 1-2 people who are on their level and they can form a healthy friendship with? Thanks in advance.

HI, I have no experience of a child with SEN and the friendships issues. However I disagree with this obviously they don't have much control over what goes on in the playground though - the teachers absolutely do have control if it veers into bullying and they need to be actively supporting your son, for example at my DS's school their were lunch clubs for those who found it hard to make friends.

Send an email, tell school there are issues and you fear it is getting more serious and ask the school what they can do to sort it.

Also my question is do you think your son minds because he wants to be friends, or if he was e.g. sat in a cosy corner reading would he not mind? Not everyone can or wants to join in, but everyone should be able to find a way to be OK.

their there

There was another thread knocking about. Talking about this. The consensus is that they find their Nerd Herd but it tends to be later. For DD it was around 10. For others it's secondary school.

However, activities outside school can help. Especially non-sport. D&D or something.

There's also managing the hurt. Many children are OK alone. My brother ASD was but my mum spent a lot of time guilting me and shaming him about a lack of friends.

Thank you so much both of you. @carefullycourageous you are so right...I need to be more direct with the school about being proactive on what is going on in the playground. They don't seem to have much in the way of lunchtime clubs/quiet places to go so I need to investigate this further with them. You make a good point about what he wants- he does want friends but doesn't seem to know how and I fear he sees this social rejection as the norm now.
@MrsTerryPratchett thank you...I'll try to find that thread. Nerd herd sounds exactly what he needs! I think part of it is him just needing to find 'his people' which I guess easier as you go up through school. I try not to make a big deal of it as I don't want to project my anxieties about his lack of friends onto him, although I am probably not doing a great job of this.
Thanks again

The school should be helping your son. Even back when I was in school the teachers and TA’s monitoring the playground would start games and encourage children who were on their own to join in (if they want to). There are a few children with autism in my family and their schools have been fantastic at helping them develop peer relationships.

you say it’s getting your son down? That suggests to me that he wants to have these relationships with his school mates. You know him better than anyone, do you think if his teacher subtly paired him up with one of the kinder children he might come out of his shell a bit? I think these options are worth exploring with his class teacher and the SENCo if the school has one.

I think being forced to keep trying is the harmful bit. If you took the kid who was most unable to make friends, and sent them on a country walk with their kindly grandparent, they'd come back OK.

Those kids are potentially not people he should even bother trying with.

It's very hard that your son doesn't have friends, but I'm with the school on the playground issue.

The only thing they can realistically do is to go to another child or group of children and tell them, 'Play with x.' As you say yourself, groups of boys often play football, and your son doesn't want to join in.

Telling children to play with a certain person might work with children up to the age of 5 or 6, but is less likely to be effective with 8 year olds.

In the classroom it's easier to pair children up to work together. Could this be encouraged more?

Lunch clubs would be good if you can find out what provision there is for these, but you have said you don't think there are any.

Telling children to play with a certain person might work with children up to the age of 5 or 6, but is less likely to be effective with 8 year olds.

No one will do this, we live in a liberal democracy and that includes children playing! But that does not mean they can be nasty and others left to suck it up. The school must do more to keep the OP's child well supported.

I agree with pps that the school can absolutely do more to support an 8yo with making friends.

At home, inviting dc to play 1:1 with an enticing activity has worked for me in the past, and having an activity to do helps with social awkwardness.

It can be helpful for autistic dc to have a chance to make friends with other autistic dc - are there any support groups near you?

The OP isn't saying that the other children are being nasty. People are assuming bullying, which doesn't seem to be the case.

How exactly, in concrete terms, is the school expected to deal with it?

Thank you all for your advice, I appreciate it so much. @carefullycourageous thank you...yes, he's very happy with his face kindly grandfather 😊...the class has been together since reception which I think is partly it- they are all very much in their firm friendships. Being mixed up in year 4 thankfully.
Thank you @sqirrelfriends I have a meeting with the senco coming up and I will be discussing what could possibly be done at lunchtimes, even if it's them just keeping an ear out for unkind behaviour. Thank you @Snuffy28 ...I think you're right, it's a big school with big fields and playgrounds as well. I am just hoping that at the start of yr4 the teacher will do lots of ice breaker type stuff to encourage new (first!) friendships.
@Stompythedinosaur that's interesting you bring up local support groups. I have joined a local autism one and we're going to one of their social groups in a couple of weeks time. I see people on there posting about meet ups in the park for their children so I might go down this route.
Thing is, I think he's seen as somewhat of an 'oddball' now as his social communication issues can lead him to make strange noises and try to make a joke with an immature comment so think he's just been frozen out of the social groups in his class now.

Ostracising a child is a common form of bullying. So the OP needs the school to check whether this is what is happening.

Things the school can do are:
-Investigate what is happening
-identify possible alternative play mates
-set up organised games on the playground
-set up clubs
-provide a safe place for the OP's child to hide out
-give the OP's child some jobs at lunch times

What the school should not do is shrug their shoulders and pretend there is nothing they can do to help a lonely child. It is not 1982.

@Snuffy28 you're right, it's not necessarily bullying. It's mostly kids just simply not wanting to play with him and telling him so, which they're fully entitled to do. But it does veer into "everyone is allowed to play here apart from X" sometimes and he doesn't tell us even half of it (from the impression I get) so it's so hard to know. Regardless of the other kids' intentions though I remain worried about the effect it's having on him.

Thank you @carefullycourageous ...your list is incredibly helpful. If the school could do all that I would be so grateful. Giving him jobs at lunchtime would be great- he would love this.

My eldest DS is autistic and 21 now and my younger DS is NT and 10 and has an autistic boy is his class. I have always tried my best to get him to be kind to him and ask him to join in games ect and he plays with him happily online. He will say to me that he just doesnt enjoy the noisy full contact games at playtime but that in the classroom they all work together nicely and no one is unkind to him. He just doesnt want to join in. I always pushed my eldest DS to try and he will say to me now that he is happiest when he can do things on his own keep on the peripheral and join in when he is comfortable to do so. Could you approach the school to maybe find alternatives for him at lunch time. What does he enjoy is there any lunch clubs he could do he might enjoy maybe just removing him from having to try and fit in may help.

If you think you are being overprotective @Nevillethefathamster , IMO you are not.

Ostracising a child is a common form of bullying. So the OP needs the school to check whether this is what is happening.

Things the school can do are:
-Investigate what is happening
-identify possible alternative play mates
set up organised games on the playground
set up clubs
provide a safe place for the OP's child to hide out
-give the OP's child some jobs at lunch times

What the school should not do is shrug their shoulders and pretend there is nothing they can do to help a lonely child. It is not 1982.

Firstly, there is very little evidence that the OP's son is being ostracized. She said there is a lot of 'you're not allowed to play with us.'

That implies that the child has asked to join in something and been refused. I agree that this needs investigating if it is happening. But the OP suggests that her son doesn't want to join in.

Identify possible alternative playmates. As I said, this isn't likely to be effective.

Set up organized games in the playground. Teachers have enough to do already without setting up games at playtimes. Children play, it's part of social development and doesn't need organizing.

Provide a safe place for the child to hide out.

This isn't going to help him make friends.

Give the child some jobs at lunchtime.

What jobs? And why should teachers spend their own lunchtime organizing jobs for pupils? If they're lucky, they might get time to eat their own lunch, but in many cases, lunch is a hurried scramble before going back to lesson planning and marking. In any case, the child doing a job won't help him with his friendships.

As I said before, the best option is out of school activities, or invite children for playdates, organize fun activities for them and take it from there.

Oh Goodness OP, I was totally where you were when DS was 9

i’d sometimes walk past the school at break time to see him sit on the “friendship bench” on his own whilst the other boys played football

it hurts your heart.

I moved him to a school with more diverse children, and there were 3 boys with autism/asd in his year. He made friends with 2 of them

he also joined chess and board game clubs

it was just unlucky there was nobody he clicked with in the first school. In secondary school (big comp) he found his crowd very easily btw

i hope your son finds his tribe (even just a tribe of 2) soon. Can you take him to stuff outside school where he can meet like minded souls?

Thank you @tootiredtospeak ...that is so kind of you to encourage your youngest to do this. I hope your eldest is doing ok too.
I think with my DS, he likes to do things his way so 50% of the time he's ok just wandering about talking to himself and collecting stones/leaves/whatever but he also wants to join in to games he likes the look of e.g. a role play game or building a den (which they often do)...but then he seems to be at the whim of whether others want to include him or not (not unusual for 8 year olds I am sure). And because he has never had a group of friends around him I think he's an easy target for being left out, not picked for games etc.

It is hard I know it is. Is there any lunchtime responsibilities he could have or any groups he could join. Is there other children with SEN in the school. You could suggest a nurture groups with some different activities aimed at those children. How are they with him in the classroom and does he play online.

Thank you @carefullycourageous ...good to hear that I am not being ott to be worrying so much about this.
@Snuffy28 totally get where you're coming from. Teachers have so little time spare and I wouldn't expect them to give up lunchtimes to do any more. But I think I perhaps need to push to see if there are any other lunch arrangements that I'm not aware of e.g. in the library or something like that.
@givethatWolfAbanana thank you..this has lifted my heart! This is what I am hoping for...that soon he'll 'find his tribe'...& I guess at secondary that could be easier. He'd love a chess or boardgames club! Thank you so much for sharing.

@tootiredtospeak thank you...I'll investigate these options definitely. He plays some online games on a mini switch like Minecraft but I wouldn't have the first idea about how he could be (safely) sociable on them?

Is this is a totally ridiculous idea or do you think that some schools ever enlist year five/six pupils who want extra responsibility to organise games/ run a friendship corner etc for younger pupils...or am I being unrealistic?

You just need to be your sons advocate. If that is what you think he would enjoy then suggest it to school. They may not do it now but that doesnt mean they cant start. I have allowed my DS to go online with freinds at that age but it's in our living room and we can monitor his actions and it's time limited. My son who is ND was always very introverted and still is. Playtime and free time has always been an incredibly difficult things for him and he did struggle with it. A combination of letting him follow his own interests and be who he wanted to be alongside organised activities of stuff we thought he would enjoy is really all we could ever do. Best of luck

@Nevillethefathamster this is exactly what my dc's school does they have the year 6's organising games at playtime for anyone who wants to join in.

My DS found his tribe in secondary school, but in primary we focused on cubs and Warhammer. He isn't diagnosed but I suspect ASD, as are some of his friends, so the clubs will be helpful x