How to help 8 year old with no friends

[Nevillethefathamster]

Hi everyone, thanks in advance for any advice or guidance. My DS is 8 and in Year 3. He is currently going through the autism diagnosis process and his main issue is social communication. He has never really had a friend- he plays alone at school and doesn't seem to know how to join in games or conversations. It's starting to bother him now although he doesn't easily open up about it. From what we can gather, he's not particularly popular. He doesn't play football which seems to be a big thing...he doesn't like contact sport and wouldn't ever join a game anyway. And other children seem to do a lot of the "you're not allowed to play with us" kind of thing. I fear this casual but constant peer rejection is eating away his (already non existent) confidence . His class teacher has expressed concern that he is left out a lot and they manage what they can in the classroom- obviously they don't have much control over what goes on in the playground though. We've tried clubs/beavers and cubs/ but he doesn't seem to be able to make a connection with anyone. We have tried to talk to him about friendships, how to give/take/hold conversations etc but he's not very responsive and doesn't seem to follow up on anything when at school.
It's breaking my heart to think of my child having no friends.

Has anyone got experience of children who seem to be rejected by their peers but who somehow (even when older) overcome this and find even 1-2 people who are on their level and they can form a healthy friendship with? Thanks in advance.

Can only give a bit of practical advice. Football here seems to be what all the boys play, so the ones that don’t find it harder to fit in.
However, I have noticed that pokemon cards are still really popular and a way for the kids to bond. There are a couple of boys who don’t play football but have been able to form friendships through the cards.

I don’t know if these are popular at school, I know some schools ban these types of things.

Also, encourage friendships not just with boys but with girls too.

My daughter had the same problems, but thankfully she found a lovely group in secondary school . Maybe the school could have a known area where children go to find people to play with as your son will not be the only one feeling this way . I used to challenge my daughter to try & speak to one new child a day , this was hard for her as she was shy but gave her a boost when she did . The real change was when she started kick boxing as her confidence just grew . I felt so helpless that I even thought about getting a job at the school on the playground. X

No, the best option is for school to tackle the in school problem.

I am not any more but was a teacher. So many schools are doing great work on this. Why would you not want anything done - how does it benefit you for this situation to continue? I am always very suspicious of a person who is in favour of a child being lonely and unhappy in school

No, the best option is for school to tackle the in school problem.

I am not any more but was a teacher. So many schools are doing great work on this. Why would you not want anything done - how does it benefit you for this situation to continue? I am always very suspicious of a person who is in favour of a child being lonely and unhappy in school

So, you can't come up with any practical things a school can do, just a generic "school should tackle the problem," with no ideas of exactly how they are going to do it.

I didn't say I was in favour of a child being lonely and unhappy, nor did I infer it. All I did was point out the difficulties and refute a couple of the impractical suggestions.

Could you say what great work schools are doing in this situation? I know some have a buddy system, but if a child doesn't want to engage then I can't see a solution.

Hi OP,
My 8 year old is also autistic, but she's a girl. The school culture doesn't sound great here. My dd has some similarities to your DS, immature jokes and she often isn't flexible with play ideas, however her classmates on the whole understand she has a difference and are quite protective of her and nuturing towards her. Obviously there is some unpleasantness at times but genuinely as a whole she is supported by the children.
Shes an extrovert which possibly helps.
Does your son have particular interests? My daughters main way of connecting with others is having conversations about her interests.
Can you facilitate some play dates doing something your son enjoys to help him build bonds. Also what SEN groups are about in your area? My daughter couldn't manage lots of the provision around us, but she goes to a wonderful art group with 6 children to 3 adults which is for children with disabilities. She thrives there and has made some new friends.
Sending love, and best wishes for him to find great mates in year 4 xx

About organised games during play time,. My year 6 is a play leader and does this. They have to apply for the role too. You can suggest the school to organise this and ask their year 5 to apply for the next school year. The year 6s picked gets a rota and lead playtime with the younger classes in groups of 2 and 3s.

Thank you all so so much. I really appreciate all the suggestions. It's given me lots to think about and some really good ideas. Am going to ask about yr6 play leaders etc as I am sure my son can't be the only who'd benefit from this.
In the meantime we do need to work on behaviours of his which might be 'alienating' other children like the silly noises and practicing two way conversations.
Thank you all. The suggestions of SEN groups/speaking to a person a day/and many other ideas has really inspired me to keep going to try to sort this out for him! Thank you for sharing your experiences too. X

What a weird post! I wrote a list upthread, which you quoted and replied to, of practical solutions. They are things many others schools will be doing today.

Given you can't even remember your own posts or the posts you quoted, I'm not sure how to respond to you further.

In the meantime we do need to work on behaviours of his which might be 'alienating' other children like the silly noises and practicing two way conversations. This is not always possible. The other kids should be educated about differences. Our school does assemblies on disabilities, SEN, tics etc. rather than try to make children feel uncomfortable about themselves.

Afraid I can't help with school because I was the same, as was my brother. We are both awaiting ND diagnoses. We both found true and lasting friends in our late teens & twenties. I would have liked my ND picked up in childhood and for the school to have done more regardless of a diagnosis, but this was the 90s. I have similarly aged DC now and would be expecting a lot more from their school should difficulties arise. I hope your son's school do a bit more. You sound like you're doing what you can

Basically what I am trying to say @Nevillethefathamster is be careful you don't make your own child unhappier by trying to help them 'fit in' rather than supporting them to be themselves. The diagnosis is not here yet, if you get a diagnosis you should be able to access specialist advice.

I think the idea of year 6 children organising games for the younger ones is exactly what goes on in lots of schools, mine included.
We also have lots of lunchtime clubs which are great for children who struggle out on the yard. Things like Lego club, drawing club, puzzle club...basically a safe space where they can come and have a little company.

My 9YO DS is similar. He is diagnosed autistic.

I do think he prefers to play and be by himself most of the time anyway. But I think he would like some friends too. There are kids who live in our street that he does sometimes play with and they're in the same school, but apparently he refuses to play with them at school.

We spoke to the school and they have put him into special sessions focusing on building social skills. They are not specific to ND children.

From my own experience, don't wait for the diagnosis to take action for your DC. Have conversations with the school and ask them for support beforehand.

Our children were at a small primary school. Two of the three of them had lots of friends. One didn’t have anyone in his class he clicked with. When he moved up to secondary school, I asked for him not to be with anyone from his primary school in his tutor group. There is no one from primary who would call him their friend & birthday party invites dried up once people stopped doing whole class one. He was ok because the school was small enough that no one got the opportunity to actively bully him and the adults cared for him and support him. His speech delay and processing issues which left him very young for his age have matured with time and our now less of a hindrance to him making connections. It’s been ok mostly because it appears to bother me more than him and he’s happy playing on his own. I have asked for an enhanced transition to secondary School with a focus on helping him find and Integrate with groups of kids more like him. It is really hard. I feel for you. Our son was lucky as he got on well with his siblings but it is really hard when they don’t have friends of their own. I can’t wait for the day he says he’s going something with his friend.

This is the most awful thing and doesn’t help at all but unfortunately sometimes children are just unlucky and end up in a class that isn’t for them. My son was in a lovely class where everyone just fit together and all looked out for each other, boys and girls, but my other son is in a class that is sporty and ‘other’ and they’re in little cliques etc. my son who is hilarious and jerky and so lovely was quickly out of his depth and we used to nearly cry as every day he’d say he just walked around the playground and when he asked to play he generally got a no. We spoke to his teacher and she put him sitting with some nice kids and he does play etc a bit more and chats more in school etc but I’ll be honest I think if we offered to move him he wouldn’t mind moving. I’d echo what others say about talking to someone but being careful to not properly force it though, I definitely know of children who are played with because of being forced to and it doesn’t help anyone. Best of luck op and try to remember the hardest thing in life is finding your people. He sounds like a little gem though

By the way I meant quirky not jerky!!!!!

Hi @Nevillethefathamster this is sadly my current specialist subject!

I have an 8 year old girl in year 3 who has not made friends a term into a new school. She is part way through her autism assessment.

She had friends at the last school but I think a combination of having been there since aged 3 so bond's were formed at that very playful non judgemental age and also we lived v near the school so I put it a huge amount of work getting her playdates with neighbouring families.

It is so so painful to watch your child's confidence eroded. I belive like you thst to go friendless each day is just going to wear away at their confidence

I have to say the new school we are in have been a lot more pro active than you are describing in your school.

They have the library open every lunchtime for drawing and reading. Quiet shy nervous children can all go. This means no child wanders alone and friendless.

Rhe only downside to this is I'm worried my child is now using this as a way to hide from the sad and scary playground.

They have also really tried with some organised games etc in the playground

I think at primary age it is not good enough for a school yo say they can't control the playground

I think one to one playdates are huge in this type of situation. Can you befriend some other mums ? Or has thus even tried

Is it worth looming at changing schools? 3 years left and it seems little to lose ?

Totally agree with everything @carefullycourageous has said it is absolutely schools responsibility to make sure he isn't lonely and outcast all the way through the school day.
I feel sorry for him too op it must be heartbreaking. I hope things look up and he clicks with someone very soon x

Nevillethefathamster your DS sounds very like mine. His classmates seem to have outgrown him, they're all obsessed with football, which he hates. The party invitations have dried up and playdates are rare.

What has helped is I asked him if there were any other boys on their own at break times and - with a LOT of encouragment - he eventually approached a couple of other boys who were on their own and they now play really happily together.

I am also very proactive with the school, if he reports unkind behaviour, I message his class teacher. We are awaiting ASD assessment too but school are making adjustments for him now.

My heart breaks for my DS but in the main he is happy on his own or with family.

I think the school should as standard have

a) a place like the libary with quiet activities for those having a bad / difficult time in the playground - this should be supervised by a TA etc, this would also be a chance for adults to see if children are regularly hiding from playtime

b) there should be a keen eye kept on children like this who are struggling and ACTUAL EFFORT made to introduce them to other like minded children - perhaps not in their year group! My own child is one of the younger ones and often plays better with younger children - I have asked the school to help her connect with more like minded children

Schools have a lot on and the class teacher who knows your child best is unfortunately not going to be there at playtime - but be that pushy parent - it's just not good enough for him to handle this unsupported

I am so grateful for all the replies. Some of them have brought a tear to my eye and thank you for all the understanding that has been shown. So many of your experiences have resonated with me- that I shouldn't push him to feel he needs to fit in with others, that there are some practical things the school might be able to do, and that perhaps he just needs to 'find his tribe'. Being with the same class since reception definitely hasn't help (they normally change them regularly, but Covid...). @Vodika @dormouses @waterrat sounds like we are dealing with very similar circumstances. I am hopeful he'll find his people but I just fear that he might be internalising this constant daily low level rejection and the effect that this might have on his self esteem. He has a younger sibling who loves to play with him at home so that's good and we try to show him as much love as we can and build up his confidence at home- but all your very kind comments and suggestions have emboldened me to speak to the school again about any practical measures that can be taken at their end. Thank you again everyone - I am truly grateful x