Payment references in friend's bank account

[OliveTheDog]

My friend's exH is the BIGGEST BIGGEST wanker one could ever meet. Seriously horrible and controlling. Her DC has SEN and, by court order, was forced to have contact/stay with the ex. I won't list the many terrible things DC has been put through by him because it would take too long. The DC hasn't seen the Dad for two years now - they reached breaking point mentally and probably physically.
The Dad has now told everyone (eg. school) that he no longer wants any part in DC's life and he is not ever to be contacted
Anyway, my friend mentioned to me today that, over the years, when the Ex makes his CMS payment he has used low level insults as the reference. He recently changed the reference to "Lazy Cunt". However, the most recent reference is "I hope you both die"
Are people allowed to put that as a reference? Can my friend do anything about it although I get she wouldn't want the aggro?
By the way, the ExH is a policeman

If you do decide to report, you need to do so to the police, not the bank - both references you've mentioned that he used fall under harassment designed to cause distress and the 'I hope you both die' could technically be considered a threat too.

Regardless, both definitely qualify as meeting the threshold of harassment, no question.

God he's an utter cunt isn't he.

This is so horrible for your friend but given his position and manipulative behaviour at least she has undeniable evidence of the type of man he is and he cannot even dispute it now it's in print.

I would suggest that she speaks to her solicitor who dealt with her divorce. There's a risk she speaks to a police officer who knows him etc. so will need guidance on how best to approach them, depending on how dangerous he is.

I would report to pice as a hate crime. He is doing it to harass her. I don't think he would want his colleagues to know.

To be honest I don't think he'd care if any of his colleagues knew. A few years ago, he was up on an assault charge (he attacked my friend). The only witness was the DC and, for whatever reason(?), the DC's account wasn't admissible. Therefore it was my friend's word against his (the Ex) and he got off.
He just tells everyone my friend is mentally unwell. And she really isn't
I absolutely cannot understand how this "man" keeps his job

I would go to the police with this!

Can your friend apply for a non-molestation order, using this as supporting evidence of threat? Plus any other evidence? Is a non-mol still possible?

I would have thought that counted as 'malicious communication' or something similar, agree with go to the police.

I've put jokey things as the reference when I ping money to a friend, usually an in joke but that is just grim.

If the recipient is distressed in any way by this, a crime has been committed.

so hes already been up for assault and he still kept his job

i despair

You take it to the police and follow through with the complaints procedure if they fail to take action.

Basically make it clear you aren't going to go away.

I know. Really really bad isn't it

Really hard to understand why victims of male violence don't trust the police

Your friend may want to take this to the appropriate independent police conduct complaints body for your area as well:

www.ombudsman.org.uk/making-complaint/if-we-cant-help/police

Seeing as he has been such a weapons grade arsehole to her in the past and got away with it, I might be less inclined to leave it in the hands of his own force only.

My ex puts shit like 41gmeth, uwhore, dieslagdie and 4thesex, he also once put in my new postcode to let me know he'd found my new address which i reported to police but they couldn't do anything back then, I hoped it would be malicious communication nowadays, nothing can be done from the banks end, I don't know who else you could complain to but it is really unsettling

it's not unique abusive arses definitely use bank references to continue the abuse

These men laugh about this shit with each other, being coppers won't change that.

We used to jokingly use dodgy references and Woolwich/Barclays let us know such profanity wouldn’t be tolerated (this was the account nickname). I’m sure if his employer were notified it’d be a blackmark - and surely a regular payment wouldn’t need a new reference anyway so he is changing it to be petty

if he has a new partner I can’t imagine they’d be impressed unless it’s her doing it !

Go via CMS & that way the money goes to them first before friend receives it. Saves having to see any references 🙂

Unfortunately, it's not a surprise he kept his job

www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/mar/17/80-percent-of-uk-police-accused-of-domestic-abuse-kept-jobs-figures-show

This just isnt helpful.

CMS open a case, do a calculation and tell both parties what needs to be paid and by whom. Payment starts out as direct pay. He would pay directly the the woman, as he does now. They will only move to collect and pay if he misses a payment, and ignores their wanring letters ans gets into arrears. It is a long process to get CMS to collect the money for you. And then they only do it for a while and then the man will get another chance on direct pay.

Moving to collect and pay costs the paying parent more, something like 20% extra to cover the fee. The OP's friend would also lose 4% for her share of the fee. Since they charge the paying parent so much more for collect and pay, it is a last resort and they get lots of chances to pay it directly themselves.

Even in cases of domestic abuse, the paying parent can still pay directly.

I don't think my friend will do anything about it to be honest. Reason being is that he would probably get a kick out of knowing he's got to her
Control control control
He has a partner. She either doesn't know or probably doesn't care. She probably believes his accusations of mental health problems (Munchausens by Proxy being one of them). I mean, I'm amazed my friend hasn't gone insane with his shenanigans but that's by the by!

I had something very similar. I had post addressed to “Auschwitz”, “Bergen-Belsen” etc. It was incredibly distressing, and I was concerned for my postman, too. It was almost impossible to stop.

^^ this

😮

This is one of those times I actually wish the journalists would take a thread from this site and publish it like they do so many other threads in order to shine a light on this type of harassment

Oh my god yes

Funny how they don't take these kind of threads and go for other boring/futile ones hmmmm