Advice needed please. Is this safeguarding issue ?

[Burrsur]

My 12 year old dd made quite a few friends at the start of year 7 but was then frozen out of her group of friends. As a result she is now spending all her break and lunches alone, in the toilets.

I have had numerous exchanges with the school and told them the situation and asked for help. They have been very unhelpful & just say she should join lunchtime clubs.

DD has just messaged me to say there are no clubs today & there’s nowhere for her to go and I can tell she is very upset.

She mentioned at the weekend there are : pieces of work that need to be presented as a group in lessons but she’s on her own. Apparently the two teachers said it’s fine for DD to present on her own but surely they’re missing the obvious - a 12 year old who is so isolated she is the only person in her class presenting a group presentation in her own.

Is it a safeguarding issue that the school know she is spending all her breaks in the toilets on her own? Surely they have a duty of care to DD?

There is no school library, they’re not allowed to sit in their form room, not allowed in the computing room at lunch & DD feels unable to sit alone in the canteen.

Im so worried about DD and need to ring the school but what can I say?

This does sound poor from the school. My DD has been through isolating friendship issues but has been able to sit in the library at lunchtime (where she has met other kids).

Do they know she’s spending the time in the toilets? At my DD’s school the staff spend half their time chasing vapers out of the toilets & you’re unable to linger in there!

Yes they know she is in the toilets, not eating and crying before and after school but don’t seem to care.

It might not be safeguarding. But it is bullying and school aren't addressing it - at high school it's very tricky to steer friendships. They should be looking at givi g your dd sone pass / arrangement where there is a safe space she can go to, as well as offering support for how she feels, what pastoral care is there in school?

My dc have had tricky times and I used to send them in with a book, so if on their own at least they looked engaged rather than conscious they were just sat on their own, it does not solve things but it was an armour % costume of sorts that while on their own they could look engaged in some way.

You need to email school so you have proof of raising this, detail what is happening and what are school going to do to support your dd?

There’s obviously a bit to unpick here - but what jumps out is there us nowhere for a child to go during lunch break - no library, sports area, etc. so sad to see. Every school should have some organised lunchtime activity so that the many children who are between friends can go along and not feel miserable or like a spare part every day.

It isn't safeguarding but it is absolutely a shocking failure of duty of care on the part of the school. Please follow it up. It's HoY, head of Pastoral, or HT in that order. I'm deputy Safeguarding lead and as a mother I'd be at all 3 of them.

I met with the assistant head, pastoral care and year 7 learning leader told them exactly how it was - crying, not eating, nowhere to go, no friends etc. they made a lot of soothing noises, went on and on about joining school clubs, said they’d “keep an eye on her” and nothing has changed.

Still
no contact from school

I would consider a school move to a more sympathetic school.

When you met the HoY, pastoral and asst head did you send any emails as part of this / these meetings?

If so email them all again so you gave a trail saying matters have not only failed to improve but getting worse, you want an urgent meeting as your dd mental health is suffering.

If they fail to act in this you have proof to then take it further.

If there is another school you would consider, get in touch and ask if they would consider a managed move - the new school liaises with the existing school to arrange it, your dd would still ge a pupil on the books at the existing school but gets up to poss 12 weeks to attend the new school to decide then if she would like to move permanently.

jane Thankyou for the advice about a managed move. There is a school nearby where lots of DDs friends went including her 2 best friends. From what I’ve heard it’s a very kind and caring school. The reason we didn’t send DD there is it’s a faith school & I didn’t think we’d fit the criteria & obviously all the children who practice that faith get priority which is fair enough.

I might ring them tomorrow. That’s a really good idea & I had no idea we could do this.

The school did ring me back but just kept going on and on about lunchtime clubs! DD has tried to go to some but she said they don’t always run, as she’s turned up and no one there.

I said about her sitting in the toilets and they said “we can’t treat her like she’s 5 years old and get her out of the toilets”. They then said they have over 200 year 7 pupils and can only do so much. They did say friendship issues common in year 7 & they get a lot of calls about it!

There are emails from me to the school and their replies where the school go on and on about clubs, and how they can only offer help if DD takes it.

TBH I’m exhausted with the whole thing.

I’m really hoping I could get some more advice. The school did ring me and they were quite hostile. Said they can’t make DD leave the toilets, went on and on about joining clubs, said DD needs to “help herself”.

No one in pastoral support spoke to DD. DD was crying again yesterday and had spent all breaks in the toilet.

I want to take the schools lack of care further but emailing the head, pastoral support and form tutor has done nothing. Who should I contact?

Honestly? I would take my DD out of school, no way would I force her to go into such a shitty, damaging environment every day. She must be an emotional wreck poor girl. The school won't sort it, that's clear. Look for somewhere else and in the mean time let her stay at home.

Board of governors might be worth a try. Tbh, I would go full tiger mother and cause a real stink about this. The lack of care is appalling.

I would phone the other school as a matter of urgency and ask if she could start in September. If they say yes then I would just pull my daughter out of school immediately. That sounds a really horrible place to be.

And if you do pull her out, then I would write to the headteacher to explain why and I would copy in OFSTED.

What would you like them to do? It's a serious question, you can ask them to help this way or that way. They don't have a magic wand so can't make your dd socialise- do they have a nurture club or similar, that's where my dd went at breaks (she's autistic). I suspect they are meant to be in the playground, that's where we had to go when I was at school and the same for my non autistic dd, only in very wet weather could you stay in classrooms. The school can help but you need to indicate to them what your dd thinks will help

Agree with this -
action time

I don’t know - I can see the schools side here too. I think you have posted several times before and seemed to be expecting an escort for her to the clubs as she didn’t want to go by herself. I tend to agree with the school that in part she does need to make an effort herself and she certainly isn’t likely to make friends hiding in the toilets.
have you worked with her on her social skills? How to make friends etc? For example my DC changed school and didn’t have anyone to sit with, and we suggested he look out for other children on their own at break and lunch and gave him some ways to start a conversation. Has she tried that?

It sounds like an awful place. What 1000+ (or any) Secondary school doesn’t have a school library?

Arrange for her to go to a new school, she should not have to go through this every day. Make an official complaint to the current one and contact Ofsted.

This school should not get away with this behaviour. They have failed in their duty of care and they should have a proper procedure to deal with bullying and take it seriously.

I would also spend time trying to help your kid build up her confidence over the summer and trying to work out what started the bullying. She might benefit from some counselling and there are charities that support young people who are bullied.

''@GreenLeavesRustling
I don’t know - I can see the schools side here too''

No.

They are failing to act and do something concrete to support this kid. If they can't cope with the OP's daughter's needs they should be at least honest about it and help her find a new school. Suggesting there is nothing they can do and just putting the blame and responsibility back on the kid is inappropriate.

From previous threads the school have tried several things to support her. For example they have suggested suitable clubs at lunchtimes that she could go to, but OP has said she doesn’t want to go on her own so won’t attend.

To each their own, but if this was my child I would be helping them develop their social skills, not blaming the school for failing to engineer a 12 year old’s friendships.

Don’t consider the managed move option mentioned earlier - that isn’t for a situation like this and school will laugh if you suggest it.

What would be different in a new school - are there places where DD knows people already or would she be starting from scratch?

What is she doing to help herself right now? It sounds like this is becoming a learnt behaviour which in itself it’s wrong but it’s important she can also see there are other options available to her as well.

Just wanted to say you sound like a lovely mum. I was like this at school until y10. We weren't allowed inside the school so I would just do laps of the playground on my own. Never had anyone to sit next to in class (it's so much better now with allocated seating). Everything was better with GCSEs and meeting other children from different forms, and I ended up with a great friendship group.

I would move her school but get the new school to really manage it and encourage a group of girls to welcome her in, maybe give them special things to do for a term etc to help the bond.