Advice needed please. Is this safeguarding issue ?

[Burrsur]

My 12 year old dd made quite a few friends at the start of year 7 but was then frozen out of her group of friends. As a result she is now spending all her break and lunches alone, in the toilets.

I have had numerous exchanges with the school and told them the situation and asked for help. They have been very unhelpful & just say she should join lunchtime clubs.

DD has just messaged me to say there are no clubs today & there’s nowhere for her to go and I can tell she is very upset.

She mentioned at the weekend there are : pieces of work that need to be presented as a group in lessons but she’s on her own. Apparently the two teachers said it’s fine for DD to present on her own but surely they’re missing the obvious - a 12 year old who is so isolated she is the only person in her class presenting a group presentation in her own.

Is it a safeguarding issue that the school know she is spending all her breaks in the toilets on her own? Surely they have a duty of care to DD?

There is no school library, they’re not allowed to sit in their form room, not allowed in the computing room at lunch & DD feels unable to sit alone in the canteen.

Im so worried about DD and need to ring the school but what can I say?

This is bullying by exclusion. I suffered it as a teenager and it was awful - it still upsets me now when I think about it. I moved schools at 13 and got away from it and made a fabulous new group of friends.

In my case it did sort of get resolved by the school but I left anyway. It was my form group that had turned on me (because I'd had the audacity not to give the popular girl my Club biscuit from my lunch when she asked for it) and my form tutor basically took the whole class aside, gave them a right bollocking and told them they were all bullies and were going to be reported to their parents. This was back in the 90s and that was enough of a threat to break them out of it. I never looked at any of the same afterwards so moving schools was the best thing for me.

Good luck OP

Is it really beyond a school to provide a safe space at lunch time for socially challenged kids ? A safe space in a classroom or corner of a library with maybe board games or books would not just benefit children like the OPs daughter but also children with additional needs like asd etc

Thankyou for messages. I’ve never been in this position before so no clue what to do. DD did make a good group of friends at the start of the year but they have formed a tight group which DD has been excluded from. We had a long chat last night and I have told DD to try and make friends with the smaller groups of girls in her form. She mentioned 2 girls who are always together and I suggested she try and spend time with them.

She was worried about what to say to them about why she now has no friends and I said just be honest & say you did have friends but now you’re in a position where they have gone off and you’re trying to find new friends. DD is an August baby so still quite young compared to some of the others in her form.

Of course I accept the school can’t make DD have friends & I don’t expect a personal escort to their non existent clubs (DD went to the ones I was told about & she said no one was there) hence the sitting in the toilets. I do expect them to have some small shred of compassion & to not let a 12 year old spend all her breaks alone in a toilet. Even a teacher asking her how she is goes a long way for a child to think someone actually cares about her.

The issue is there is nowhere in the school for DD to go, no library, not allowed in form room or computer room, no study space, no quiet room, nothing.

@GreenLeavesRustling Not everyone feels brave enough to walk to a lunch time club by themselves. This child has be ostracised by her so called friends. She is feeling rejected and vulnerable. A teacher could meet her and just escort her a few times to make her feel comfortable. I don't think it is too much to ask especially knowing that the alternative is that she is sat in the toilets. Pastoral care at my children's school would have done this.

@Burrsur ring the faith school now, see if there are any spaces for September and if there are pull her out of this school today.

I agree that this is an intolerable situation for your dd. I was the kid in year 7 in a huge school with not a single friend. It was frightening and humiliating. I used to leave school at lunchtime and cycle around so no-one knew I had no friends, so it was very brave of your dd to tell you what is going on.
There is a lot the school can do. No of course they can't force friendships, but they can create safe spaces and encourage isolated kids to group up with similar children.
Moving school would be a priority.

You could make a formal complaint to the school then escalate to governors if necessary, but honestly they sound shit and I’d just be trying to organize a move if I were you.

The school are right in one way, they can’t physically force her out of the toilets and they can’t force friendships where kids are unwilling, but the fact that they are being so dismissive is unacceptable.