Why am I jealous of one friend?

[Isit2021yetplease]

I don’t think I’m a particularly jealous person, but there is one particular friend who I have a really weird intense reaction to and I really can’t work out why.

We used to be very good friends, but I had to start distancing myself cos I was getting myself really worked up taking everything she said personally and getting upset and offended. Even now when I see things she’s posted on social media like being on holiday or getting a new car etc I get an intense pant of jealously and end up feeling rubbish and comparing what I have for the rest of the day. It’s so weird as I don’t get this with anyone else at all, but I imagine her sitting there feeling sorry that my life isn’t as good as hers, and I can’t bear it. I’ve unfollowed her on all social media for my own mental health but sometimes a photo with her in will show up on someone else’s.

has anyone had this? I’m wondering if I can work out where and why it stems from, I might be able to get over it and move on without this weird obsession and comparison.

I have this with a work colleague she is unbearably smug and even though people always say those who brag are insecure she’s really not . I have unfollowed her and if I’m in the office with her try to keep conversation to a minimum but she just seems to have one thing after another handed to her on a plate .

@UWhatNow yes I think that’s it - this one friend is very smug and I feel like what she’s thinking is “poor you didn’t make good choices like I did”. Lots of my friends have done very well, much better than her even, but I genuinely feel nothing but happy for them!
i hate the way I end up questioning the choices I made in life whenever I interact with her, generally I’m really happy with my lot, so it irks me that she make me wobble.

I have this with one person too, and it’s very hard to take. She has everything I want, and I know realistically I can’t have. It annoys me that I can’t just be happy with what I’ve got and know it doesn’t make me a good person. It’s really horrible.

We all have that one person…and also you need to remember that you are most probably THAT person for someone too. She most probably doesn’t mean to make you feel that way.

Yes, I have someone like this.
She is very money orientated, I enjoy money and nice things but don't really care.
She always has flash cars, beauty stuff, expensive trips away. She is nice but she has ways of saying things that grate on me,

She has done a similar course to what I will be doing this year but has somehow blagged her way onto it despite not meeting criteria , and will finish ahead of me and has already secured a steady high paying job in advance as she has the gift of the gab. I don't have that. It's plain simple jealousy as I feel I should be doing better than I am

posting a new car on social media?? She's insecure. Sad really.

Reminds me of mum who, when we were told to bring packed lunch in plastic bag for school trip (years ago), made sure her child had one from Harrods. Lots of laughs but made me very sorry and sad for her.

I know what you mean OP. I'm not a fan of anyone who has to constantly one up you, basically show boaters saying my life is better than yours!! I don't get jealous but people who gloat, I actively avoid them because they aren't my type of people and it does massively show insecurity. My sister is a bit like this but I know a few. I just like normal down to earth people, what posessions you have or what holidays you go on is irrelevant, it's people who boast and brag that's what gets on my tits.

Ok this has definitely made me feel a bit less crazy - I honestly thought I was going a bit mad that one person could make me feel so jealous when I don’t care about most other people at all! I tjink like other people have said, we were on a v similar path previously and I think it’s the reminder of how things may have gone had I made different decisions. Most of the time I’m perfectly happy with decisions I made as they were right at the time, but the creeping “what if” really throws me off balance when I see her!

@Isit2021yetplease
I understand exactly what you mean but try not to let it get under your skin. If people like that were really that happy they wouldn't need to rub their good fortune in everyones face to make themselves feel better.

Oh, I had one of those friends once.

Def not alone!!

I think it stems from genuinely not liking a person. There are two people I get this weird, intense, jealousy/comparison from and it's because I just do not like who they are as people.

One is my SIL. She's unbearable. Acts snooty, posh, like she's better than everyone. Has lots of money and spends it just as much & has this really overbearing need to be liked whilst making sure everyone knows how great she is at everything.

The other is just a very mean person. Derogatory, smug, just not a nice person.

You'd think because these people aren't nice I wouldn't care about them but it does create this really weird dynamic sometimes!

I have this person too, however I’m not actually jealous of her - I just find her incredibly annoying. She def has an issue with me which my partner and a couple of my friends have picked up on - she makes very odd comments to take me down, or at least this is how I interpret them! I would love to know how to ‘let it go’ as I really can’t be dealing with the negativity but it’s so bloody hard!

I have decided to spend less time on social media for this reason as I feel like I'm more triggered seeing boastful posts than seeing it in person. I'm not jealous of any person in particular but I do find I compare myself to other people e.g. I can't wait to get married and have a child but my partner wants to wait a bit longer even though we are already 30 and 31 now. I am jealous of women whose partner is really keen to marry them with a big surprise down-on-one-knee proposal and have a family. My partner is very laid back as a person and doesn't get excited by these things - certainly can't imagine him proposing on his knee to me!

The older I get, the more people my age are marrying/having children and I can't feel happy for them as it's what I want :( but also I am very grateful for what I do have: we have a fantastic strong relationship, never argue, have our own house and a lovely dog with good jobs and enjoy nice meals out so perhaps my life looks perfect to others and people already with children probably sometimes miss the freedom of "just the two of us"

@UWhatNow 'good fortune and sharp elbows '?! Jealous much? Bitterness and envy are ugly. Everyone on this thread sound horrible. It's normal to sometimes feel envious, but the word 'friend' doesn't belong anywhere in this thread.

@CuppaTeaAndSammich I get the whole boastful post thing, but seriously these people posting their engagement rings and fancy shit on social media are not people who are content. They are so preoccupied with getting likes and validation.
30 and 31 is still young so you have loads of time yet. I'm 32 and still unmarried and been with my partner for 10 years. We have nothing to prove to others. As long as you're happy that's what matters

Sorry but you sound like the kind of person who posts said boastful updates & makes sure everyone knows how great your life is 😬 #blessed

@GayParis I'm with you on that one

I have a couple of these friends. I can’t pinpoint just why as I have other friends that are equal standing but it’s just these two that I feel that way about.

@Lolly65743 that's very true :)

@Lolly65743 couldn’t have said it better myself!

This isn’t common as people are making out. I can honestly say I do not have this. Of course many people are jealous of what others have, but it doesn’t mean that’s what everyone is like.

my take on it is jealousy is a reaction as someone has something you want. And you don’t really like the person either. I don’t understand why you’d think she obsessed about you like you obsess about her, sitting thinking poor you. That’s highly unlikely.

I know a friend feels this way about me. It’s horrible and I’ve stepped right back from spending anytime with her.

her daughter - unsurprisingly - does exactly the same thing. Constant comparisons where she comes up short.

be careful