Why am I jealous of one friend?

[Isit2021yetplease]

I don’t think I’m a particularly jealous person, but there is one particular friend who I have a really weird intense reaction to and I really can’t work out why.

We used to be very good friends, but I had to start distancing myself cos I was getting myself really worked up taking everything she said personally and getting upset and offended. Even now when I see things she’s posted on social media like being on holiday or getting a new car etc I get an intense pant of jealously and end up feeling rubbish and comparing what I have for the rest of the day. It’s so weird as I don’t get this with anyone else at all, but I imagine her sitting there feeling sorry that my life isn’t as good as hers, and I can’t bear it. I’ve unfollowed her on all social media for my own mental health but sometimes a photo with her in will show up on someone else’s.

has anyone had this? I’m wondering if I can work out where and why it stems from, I might be able to get over it and move on without this weird obsession and comparison.

I understand feeling jealous of people , I,e wanting what they have got . But to be jealous of a ‘friend’ is really sad. You should be happy for your friends and want to see them grow . If your not, then they are not your friend. It’s obviously a different if someone is bragging about what they have , that’s just annoying . I purchased my dream car a couple of years ago and I posted it on social media, it wasn’t for attention or likes but I was so proud how hard I had worked to get that . It was an achievement and as far as I’m concerned my friends should be happy for me as I would be for them!

@Winelover13 i totally understand what you’re saying - and that was partly my question, as for all my other friends I’m nothing but happy for them, but it’s a subconscious physical reaction I have to this one person where I can’t seem to feel happy for them - and I really wanted to understand why so I can basically get over myself and stop being so immature! I hate that she makes me feel this way, and I hate the way I automatically compare to her rather than just seeing we took different paths in life - I don’t want to do this! I say “friend” as that’s what we were but honestly we’re not at all anymore because of me - because I don’t want to treat my friends like that so it’s better we’re just not friends. I wasn’t able to be a good friend to her.

I’ve genuinely considered going to therapy - which sounds very dramatic, but we have a lot of mutual friends and I hate the way she makes me feel about my own life and I want to not feel like this whenever I see her.

The only way I can describe it is almost like if you saw your ex and everything they had and you can’t (well maybe all you perfect people can!) be 100% happy for them.

I have this one person too, but I'm not jealous of her - she seems jealous of ME. She has copied everything from schools to where to live, and I find it weird and a bit creepy and don't understand it.

I am not richer than her and on paper she probably ticks several boxes I don't. I just know she has a slightly weird obsession with me that DH and I cannot understand but find quite funny.

She never likes my social media posts which is odd as I've never done anything to her, but she seems determined to copy me so it all feels a bit weird.

Just wanted to say you are not alone OP!

@Isit2021yetplease Didn't you say this friend has upset and offended you?

@Perfectlystill It's a compliment if someone is copying you really. It's happened to me but more with my appearance- hair and style and yeah it's a bit wierd I guess. I don't let it go to my head because when I wake up in the morning I look an absolute mess.

If you're reasonably well adjusted and not prone to jealousy, then I think it was the intention of the friend to make you feel that way when they posted something.
I always like to think that you are how you make other people feel and she's probably quite an insecure and jealous person.

You can’t seriously think she posts images of whatever on her social media with the sole targeted intent of making the op jealous? I’m fairly sure the op, as they aren’t friends any more is the last thing on her mind.

You can’t seriously think she posts images of whatever on her social media with the sole targeted intent of making the op jealous? I’m fairly sure the op, as they aren’t friends any more is the last thing on her mind.
i meant everyone who sees the posts on social media, unless the op is her only friend/ follower.
Note my use of reasonably well adjusted and not paranoid lunatic.

The overwhelming majority of her friends probably don’t react like the op

@Lolly65743 there were some incidents around the time we both had babies where I was really struggling with a hard baby and ptsd and husband away travelling a lot, and she had a v easy baby and husband who was on gardening leave and I heard her make comments to friends in my presence about people who find babies hard are people who are not used to working hard. Now (having had a second very easy baby) I realise that is complete bollocks but at the time it really made everything worse for me about why I was failing so much.

in fact maybe I have just answered my own question - from that dark time of comparing myself and always coming up short thinking it was my actions. And ever since I’ve felt like she was sitting smugly thinking if anyone had less than her it just be because they don’t work hard.

who needs therapy when you have mumsnet eh?!

I’m fairly sure nothing she does is for my benefit at all 🤣 and yes I would hope the majority of her friends don’t react like this, much like I don’t react like this to the majority of my friends!
which is the crux of my question why is it JUST her which makes me feel like this and no one else! If I was jealous of everyone it would be a lot easier to understand!

I don't get the whole 'posting on social media is braggy' thing. I mean, sure, but that's the whole point. Showing people a snapshot of your life. I don't post anything these days but I used to use Snapchat. No likes there. Posting is an easier way to update people on your life and vice versa.

I've never posted a car. But why shouldn't someone post their new car if they like it? We all get jealous but that's not other people's problem. Mute notifications, use it less.

The overwhelming majority of her friends probably don’t react like the op
Do you know them to ask ?

Op I think you just don’t like each other, that was a very bitchy comment she made, I don’t think you like her either which is why you resent seeing her with things you want and don’t have. From thr baby to the car to the holidays, you just don’t like her and the feeling is mutual. No one makes that baby comment to someone they like.

@Isit2021yetplease she doesn't sound like a nice person. Glad you've had a light bulb moment. Sounds super smug and full of herself which is my biggest dislike in a person.
That must of been traumatic for you and you need supportive friends. My sister can be the same so I avoid her like the plague, kind of makes you feel not good enough and belittled. No time for it

You'd probably find if you subtly mentioned it to other friends that they find her equally as annoying. No one's going to openly state it, presumably for the same reasons you haven't.
Some people want others to feel jealous of them, job done in her case.
Just a different angle if you can't understand why she's making you feel that way.

My DH has this with just one relative, he has no idea why anything the person does bothers him so much.

Gosh. Do you think so?
I clicked on this thread because I have someone like this and I don't even see her that often any more and logically I see unhappiness etc but
...
Christ the injustice of her good fortune compared to mine makes me green with envy

I have this with a colleague.. I know for a fact that I earn more than her, but she feels the need to tell everyone at work how much her husband earns and how she doesn't need to work she only does it to pay for her clothes and makeup!! She also talks all the time about how other people are jealous of her, and I know she probably thinks all of us at work are too! The thing is I honestly don't think I'm jealous of her but everything she does and says gets to me more than anyone else!! I have friends who have bigger houses nicer cars etc and I am only ever happy for them! This one however when she changes car or brags about a holiday it really gets to me!! Like really and I wish I didn't care but for some reason I do..

@baxtersm I totally get it. It's hard to ignore people like that when they are constantly in your face bragging shouting look at me!. It's just not an attractive trait really- I'm gay but not that it matters, only for the fact I am actually repulsed by women like that.

Nope, don't feel this way. Any actual friends I'm genuinely happy for them (although sometimes may wish I had x,y,z too). Any acquaintance I have on social I enjoy seeing positive updates of as I once was friends/liked them and am happy for them even if we drifted and anyone I don't like I don't have on social. I think maybe this stems less from purely being jealous and more because you just don't like this person for whatever reason.

This site I’ve realised has changed my behaviour. I love seeing new things my friends have got or things they are doing, and they send pics through, and I feel happy for them, but now I hesitate to reciprocate, as I wonder if I could be perceived as showing off, or boasting and upsetting someone. It never occured to me before coming on here, and I absolutely don’t ever have that reaction, but I do now second guess myself and think gosh am I boasting,

I would hope none of my friends would be like that, or I’d see it in them, and to be honest not be their friend, but I’d also hate to be perceived as smug or boasting or showing off.

I honestly don’t know if the issue is with the folks taking issue or the folks showing stuff, likely it’s a mix of both, but it’s very unpleasant.

the one thing that stands out though is the jealous people are absolutely not friends with the people they are jealous of. So maybe that’s the difference

Did you have some kind of a life plan with ideas for yourself and different ideas for her ? And she's done better than you expected?

@Beercrispsandnuts I think it's different sharing good news with friends in private or even on facebook from time to time. I think it's people who are really obnoxious about it and just don't shut up. I once had a friend(more like an acquaitance) post her new car on facebook that her boyfriend bought her and actually wrote 'my boyfriend is better than yours.' And this same person is constantly bragging and has even taken credit once for her daughters achievements on fb.
It's that kind of thing that winds me up and it's not jealousy, it's just like a massive eye roll response really.