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Original poster

Screaming tantrum from DH!!

43 replies

TheViscountessBridgerton · 19/06/2022 17:47

Will start by saying his ADHD meds went up their final increment today, so he's on quite a high dose and I don't think he needs them that high.... BUT!

Our front door handle got broken today by a kid knocking for our teen DS It was already partially broken and a new one is on the way. But today it broke off completely. Irritating and obvious security risk. DH grumbled and moaned and got his toolbox out.

The door handle cannot be "fixed" in any way so we will have to come up with a solution until the other handle arrives (stupid door, special handle, not a B&Q job.) My reaction was "oh no, could have done without that, how are we going to sort that?"

His was to scream, repeatedly swear, throw things, shout, storm off, bang tools around and generally react off the scale. Such as I'd expect a billionaire to react if a crash had wiped out quarter of his worth in the stock market. He put headphones on and some sort of loud music to drown out the sound of me cooking in the kitchen and our son playing so that he could concentrate, but the main effect was that he couldn't hear me telling him to stop screaming and swearing.

Eventually he took his headphones off to tell me that he hates the kid who ultimately knocked the handle off, and that he is to be banned from
the premises forthwith. Came to the doorway, angrily glared into the room and very loudly said "I HATE that kid!!" Our young DS looked upset and said "do you mean me?" I explained that no, he didn't mean him and went out into the hallway to speak to DH.

I told him that there's no way the kid would ever have thought the handle would fall off if he touched it, and DH could to either step away from it or calm down because it was not okay to react like a teen having a tantrum when our little boy was in the next room quite confused and alarmed at it. I was as well! He clenched his fists (with his back to me) and then stormed off upstairs, leaving all his tools scattered through the hallway. Our teenagers are utterly bewildered and stunned by his behaviour. He is not normally like this.

I'm angry, worried, disgusted by his lack of concern for how frightening he was..... is it the medication?? Or has he suddenly morphed into an absolute wanker?

OP posts:
JamesBlond · 19/06/2022 17:49

Is this honestly the first time he’s been like this?

Irrationallyanxious · 19/06/2022 17:52

Hi OP

It could be the come down from the meds if he was nearing the end of when effective?

We ars trying to get the right dose for my young DS at the moment - he moved to a higher dose this week. Amazing at school but getting terrible rages for 30 - 1 hour after school. He is on a slow release dose so I’m assuming it’s the come down when they can get a horrible bounce back. Definitely worth your DH exploring this with his doctor.

Toughtimesagain · 19/06/2022 17:52

If this is totally out of character then it sounds like it could be the meds. Is it though? Sounds horrible.

Original poster
TheViscountessBridgerton · 19/06/2022 17:58

Yeah, it really is the first time he's been like this just like a snap rage. Enough for us all to be stunned. He's had sort of meltdowns a few times due to his adhd and overwhelm, but nothing like to this extent! He definitely wouldn't storm around swearing and yelling about hating children, and double definitely not in front of our little boy. It would be more like him taking himself off in a sulk or having a little rant to me about what was annoying him (which is almost always a total non issue to me, but I'm NT and I don't necessarily get it)

OP posts:
Original poster
TheViscountessBridgerton · 19/06/2022 18:02

Irrationallyanxious · 19/06/2022 17:52

Hi OP

It could be the come down from the meds if he was nearing the end of when effective?

We ars trying to get the right dose for my young DS at the moment - he moved to a higher dose this week. Amazing at school but getting terrible rages for 30 - 1 hour after school. He is on a slow release dose so I’m assuming it’s the come down when they can get a horrible bounce back. Definitely worth your DH exploring this with his doctor.

Thanks, I'm wondering if it's this. He's on concerta XL and just moved from 36mg to 54mg today. I imagine the crash is pretty hard- I personally don't think he needed to go up from 36, but his Dr is doing a med trial on him to find the most effective dose. I imagine he would have been at the tail end of effectiveness. I think he should probably stick at 36 or have 36 in the morning and an 18 in the afternoon to top up.

I can't be dealing with an almost 40 year old man having an actual tantrum

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 19/06/2022 18:15

Try and be kind. I have occasional tantrums / meltdowns and I'm not even on amphetamines. There is a definite coming down stage. It's not nice. But emotional regulation can be tricky with adhd anyway.

SquirrelSoShiny · 19/06/2022 18:16

And he needs to let his psych know because dose sounds too high.

Cocowatermelon · 19/06/2022 18:24

When he’s had a chance to calm down (leave it a day or two) tell him the shouting, screaming and throwing things just can’t happen. The storming off I think you need to live with. If he feels like that again, which might happen especially if it’s the meds throwing off his moods, he needs to just storm off and come back when he’s calm.

JamesBlond · 19/06/2022 18:27

@SquirrelSoShiny Kind? No. Why doesn’t HE get his act together and behave better. Apparently he’s managed to up until now.

Original poster
TheViscountessBridgerton · 19/06/2022 18:38

JamesBlond · 19/06/2022 18:27

@SquirrelSoShiny Kind? No. Why doesn’t HE get his act together and behave better. Apparently he’s managed to up until now.

Well, I do agree with @SquirrelSoShiny - he's only been on amphetamines two weeks and he's not a guy who has ever taken anything like it in his life, so there's that. He's managed up until now because he hasn't been trialling stimulants to help him manage his ADHD.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheViscountessBridgerton · 19/06/2022 18:42

SquirrelSoShiny · 19/06/2022 18:15

Try and be kind. I have occasional tantrums / meltdowns and I'm not even on amphetamines. There is a definite coming down stage. It's not nice. But emotional regulation can be tricky with adhd anyway.

Thank you, it's helpful to hear from people with the same condition. I have been with him over a decade and I wouldn't ever have managed even six months if this sort of tantrum was a regular thing, so anyone concerned that he's like this routinely is very wrong. He's had some meltdowns as I said, but nothing that involves screaming and throwing things. The only older people I've ever seen do this is teenagers- when they feel ready to make all their own decisions and call the shots but their parents are still in charge. I've never seen a fully grown adult do it over something so trivial in the grand scheme. Not even him when unmedicated! And he's not been medicated to control rage or anything, it's to be able to focus and control impulsiveness.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 19/06/2022 18:46

If you have a meltdown its usually possible to take yourself off and go rage in private (unless you're in public). When he's calm and stable it would be worth asking him to learn to do that.

HairyKitty · 19/06/2022 18:48

He’s unlikely to be able to have a second dose of Concerta in the afternoon as they affect the body for 10-12 hours after taking so he wouldn’t be able to sleep.
You and he will prob need to put up with this for a week to 10 days to see if things settle at this dose.
The more usual option is to give a small dose of immediate release to preempt the tail off symptoms.

HairyKitty · 19/06/2022 18:54

Also if this particular medication doesn’t seem to work out overall there are quite a few others. Even meds with the same active ingredient but different brand can have different effects.

legaltigger · 19/06/2022 18:58

Honestly when my dh started adhd meds he went off the rails, I thought we were going to get divorced. He was furious all the time and exhausted and stalked around the house ignoring everyone. I actually went to my mums for a bit.

Not much help as dh decided he couldn't do it anymore because it made him feel awful and While I didn't tell him, I couldn't live with him being like that anymore.

He doesn't take meds now but manages in other ways.

Does he have someone to speak to about his dosage and the effect on him?

SquirrelSoShiny · 19/06/2022 19:01

JamesBlond · 19/06/2022 18:27

@SquirrelSoShiny Kind? No. Why doesn’t HE get his act together and behave better. Apparently he’s managed to up until now.

He's on a trial dose of amphetamines. They're a controlled drug for a reason. Which bit are you not getting?!

Basilbrushgotfat · 19/06/2022 19:03

It does sound like it could be the meds. When he's calm again have a gentle chat and find put what he thinks...Does he recognise the overreaction? How did he feel at the time? Did he have any control over his temper?

I've had to take high dose steroids long term before and really suffered with sudden mood swings- usually anger. It was really horrible to experience for me as well as others, so as much sympathy I have for you and your children I also have a lot for him.

Medication induced mood swings feel absolutely dreadful and he may well be struggling with feelings of guilt vs residual emotion from the outburst vs confusion and shock and shame at what happened.

I know its hard for you, but try and keep your response calm, compassionate and measured and ensure he reaches out to his doctor about it.

Original poster
TheViscountessBridgerton · 19/06/2022 19:03

legaltigger · 19/06/2022 18:58

Honestly when my dh started adhd meds he went off the rails, I thought we were going to get divorced. He was furious all the time and exhausted and stalked around the house ignoring everyone. I actually went to my mums for a bit.

Not much help as dh decided he couldn't do it anymore because it made him feel awful and While I didn't tell him, I couldn't live with him being like that anymore.

He doesn't take meds now but manages in other ways.

Does he have someone to speak to about his dosage and the effect on him?

Yes, he has a psychiatrist who prescribed the medication so he can email in to them, but I don't want to even be suggesting to him right now that his medication is making him behave like an absolute brat and telling him it's scary to see that. I'm scared it wouldn't do anything except make him kick off again. I'm not at all used to this with him so I don't know what to do. I grew up with an incredibly volatile father and the knot in my stomach right now is so familiar. I know that is not down to DH so much as it is past trauma, but I'm still tiptoeing around and I don't want to be.

I will speak to him in the morning.

OP posts:
Basilbrushgotfat · 19/06/2022 19:04

JamesBlond · 19/06/2022 18:27

@SquirrelSoShiny Kind? No. Why doesn’t HE get his act together and behave better. Apparently he’s managed to up until now.

Further to the other responses to your post, I'll add that medication induced mood swings like this can be genuinely terrifying for the person experiencing it.

BadNomad · 19/06/2022 19:09

I would speak to a doctor to find out how long these initial side effects should last. If it goes beyond that then the dose or type needs to change. I wouldn't try to confront him while he's like this.

legaltigger · 19/06/2022 19:33

Yes I also had a volatile father so I know the feeling well. I felt similar. I did go to my mums with dd at the time because it was horrible living with him. He came to his senses, spoke to the psychiatrist and said he wasn't going to continue because he felt they were sending him mad, they helped him come off them. I didn't want to confront him either for fear of setting him off, but I did tell him I was going to my mums for some space because I couldn't cope with living in a house like it. Is it possible for you to do the same somehow?

Franklyfrost · 19/06/2022 19:58

Do what you need to stay safe and feel respected. What would be helpful is if you keep a diary of these meltdowns and other behaviours that are out of the norm. It will help the psychiatrist determine the next move. When it feels okay to do so please do talk to him about it, it’s difficult to judge how crazy you’re being when drugged.

Original poster
TheViscountessBridgerton · 19/06/2022 20:02

He just asked me if I knew what the side effects for the medication were, so he must be thinking about it. He came down, quietly did his best with the door handle, tidied away his stuff and the things he threw about and then even more quietly went to bed.

It's bizarre

OP posts:
HairyKitty · 19/06/2022 20:04

Look through the leaflet and tell him the side effects off it that you have noticed and that he needs to look out for

Soontobe60 · 19/06/2022 20:11

TheViscountessBridgerton · 19/06/2022 20:02

He just asked me if I knew what the side effects for the medication were, so he must be thinking about it. He came down, quietly did his best with the door handle, tidied away his stuff and the things he threw about and then even more quietly went to bed.

It's bizarre

I hope he also apologised to everyone.
if he thinks it cold be his meds causing this behaviour, he needs to stay elsewhere whilst he gets them sorted. Your children should not have to witness this sort of behaviour, ever.